Stephen Hawking Says Human Race Will Survive Another 1,000 Years

“How many times do I have to say it? Do not invite me to these things unless there is a stripper firing ping pong balls into a Hadron Collider. I hate all of you.”

In light of recent events, I thought we could all use some optimism. So here’s world renowned physicist, and Interstellar Lord Magistrate of Doing It, Stephen Hawking with a surprisingly generous estimation of how long mankind has to live provided we get the hell off of the rock we’re currently buttholing to death. Via Esquire:

Stephen Hawking doesn’t have much of a reputation as an optimist, but maybe he deserves one. During a talk at Oxford University this week, Business Insider reports, the legendary astrophysicist gave the human species 1,000 more years on Earth before going extinct — assuming we don’t find a new planet to destroy. This, based on recent events, seems generous.
“We must also continue to go into space for the future of humanity,” Hawking said. “I don’t think we will survive another 1,000 years without escaping beyond our fragile planet.”

However, I should probably point out that Stephen Hawking was missing a vital piece of information, which as you’re about to hear, severely impacted his calculations.

Go ahead and change 1,000 years to tomorrow. Humanity has until tomorrow. Maybe Sunday.

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