I’ll Have The Aborted Baby Jesus Latte With Satan Drizzle

If you remember the 27 million words I wrote about Sarah Palin’s bullshit Christmas book, you’re unfortunately aware that nothing gets me harder during the holidays than watching Christians go absolutely ballistic over the “War On Christmas” as they grasp whatever straws they can to prove we’re one step away from having a Muslim Santa Claus who puts gay weddings in our kids’ stockings. Which brings us to Starbucks, this year’s first holiday victim after it had the audacity to make its annual #RedCups – wait for it – RED. Fire up the prayer chain, Martha! You see, in previous years, the #RedCups had snowflakes or a snowman, but nothing ever overtly “Christian” on it. Except this year, Starbucks decided to go with a simple, clean design, but still in traditional holiday colors, and the Christian Internet lost its shit. Going by these idiots’ reactions, you’d think these cups had goddamn pentagrams on them. So here’s the Snopes link I posted to Facebook over the weekend if you’re in the mood for some sweet Christian butthurt with your Mark of The Beast Macchiato:

Two things:

1. Here's the money shot for your friends and family falling for this shit and making the case for an…

Posted by The Superficial on Saturday, November 7, 2015

 

I especially enjoyed how many commenters just barreled in without even reading the two seconds of Googling it took Snopes to debunk this horseshit as they swear up and down that Starbucks is one step away from setting Nativity scenes on fire. Jesus Christ, one woman actually shared the Snopes link as proof that Starbucks’ holiday cups are a diabolical anti-Christian plot:

Nice way to polish the apple Starbucks. For this reason I will no longer be patronizing any of your stores. Since greed is of utmost importance to the powers that be, your coffee is not as important to me as my Christianity. Have the balls to say we are Americans and are Christian. We are happy to serve everyone even Non-Christians. But we will celebrate Christmas with our holiday cups and thank each customer and say Merry Christmas. Shame on whoever made this decision.

And right underneath those words: A link that contradicts everything Xena Christmas Warrior Princess just wrote, which she’d know if she actually read it instead of just clicking “Share” and going right into sermon mode or whatever the hell that was about. Something about balls and apples? Apparently Jesus is into testicles now. I can’t keep up with these people.

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Photo: Starbucks