Did Someone Say New ‘Star Wars’ Movies?

Despite half the Internet still being underwater yesterday, Disney decided it’d be a great time to announce they purchased Lucasfilm from George Lucas for a whopping $4.05 billion*looks at closet stuffed full of action figures, blames self* – and dropped an even bigger bomb that Star Wars: Episode 7 is coming in 2015 because they’re probably going to want to make that $4.05 billion back as quickly as possible. – *makes room in closet for more action figures* – Granted, the prequels were like watching something dear and sweet from my childhood like my grandmother get raped by Hayden Christensen and should’ve left us all soured to the thought of more of these movies, they did produce the surprisingly awesome rape-baby known as The Clone Wars cartoon because when God gives you a gift, he doesn’t just wrap it, he forces it out of your uterus after nine months of living with the thought of how this thing got in here, forever and ever amen. And if you’re wondering what the hell the point of all that was, it’s that Star Wars can be great when George Lucas’ presumably neck-bearded hands are kept the fuck off of it which is exactly what’s happening with this new trilogy. Via Deadline:

“It’s now time for me to pass Star Wars on to a new generation of filmmakers. I’ve always believed that Star Wars could live beyond me, and I thought it was important to set up the transition during my lifetime. I’m confident that with Lucasfilm under the leadership of Kathleen Kennedy, and having a new home within the Disney organization, Star Wars will certainly live on and flourish for many generations to come.”

Not only is George Lucas not directing the new movies, he’s not even writing the screenplays and is simply handing over his loose treatment for the stories which is how the original trilogy worked. And if Disney has any sort of decency, it will hand over Episode 7 to Pixar director Andrew Stanton after epically butt-screwing the pooch on the marketing of John Carter and letting everyone say it was a piece of shit even though it was awesome and the visuals literally mouthed my penis. (Put that quote on the Special Edition Blu-ray.) Also, if you need more proof why George Lucas not being allowed to make these things in his couch-bubble in front of a green screen, scope out the Red Letter Media reviews of the prequels, all of them. (Seriously, it’ll only take four and a half hours and you’re reading this far into this post, so it’s not like you don’t have the time.)

And because I know at least half of you are sexless dorks like myself, here are the latest developments on the comics, TV shows and chances you’ll be watching The Thrawn Trilogy because I want to hear the sound of thousands of vaginas all suddenly crying out then closing themselves at once:

- Timothy Zahn’s Thrawn Trilogy will not be Episodes 7, 8, and 9. [E! News]

- In fact, here’s what to expect because George Lucas has absolutely no qualms running roughshod all over the Expanded Universe. [io9]

- Dark Horse still thinks it’s going to hold onto the comic book rights, but probably has a feeling George Lucas is Lando to Disney’s Vader, oh god, I’m so lonely… [CBR]

- Expect a fast-tracked two-hour block of ABC television featuring Joss Whedon’s S.H.I.E.L.D leading into Star Wars: Maybe Something About Boba Fett. [HuffPost]

Shoot it to me straight: What is sex really like? Because I refuse to believe Chris Klein and his baked goods comparison even though that’s all I’ve had to go on since 1998. *looks down at completely ruined cinnamon babka* That was like that when I bought it. I go to a shitty bakery.

Photo: Getty