Did Someone Say New ‘Star Wars’ Movies?

October 31st, 2012 // 37 Comments
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Despite half the Internet still being underwater yesterday, Disney decided it’d be a great time to announce they purchased Lucasfilm from George Lucas for a whopping $4.05 billion*looks at closet stuffed full of action figures, blames self* – and dropped an even bigger bomb that Star Wars: Episode 7 is coming in 2015 because they’re probably going to want to make that $4.05 billion back as quickly as possible. – *makes room in closet for more action figures* – Granted, the prequels were like watching something dear and sweet from my childhood like my grandmother get raped by Hayden Christensen and should’ve left us all soured to the thought of more of these movies, they did produce the surprisingly awesome rape-baby known as The Clone Wars cartoon because when God gives you a gift, he doesn’t just wrap it, he forces it out of your uterus after nine months of living with the thought of how this thing got in here, forever and ever amen. And if you’re wondering what the hell the point of all that was, it’s that Star Wars can be great when George Lucas’ presumably neck-bearded hands are kept the fuck off of it which is exactly what’s happening with this new trilogy. Via Deadline:

“It’s now time for me to pass Star Wars on to a new generation of filmmakers. I’ve always believed that Star Wars could live beyond me, and I thought it was important to set up the transition during my lifetime. I’m confident that with Lucasfilm under the leadership of Kathleen Kennedy, and having a new home within the Disney organization, Star Wars will certainly live on and flourish for many generations to come.”

Not only is George Lucas not directing the new movies, he’s not even writing the screenplays and is simply handing over his loose treatment for the stories which is how the original trilogy worked. And if Disney has any sort of decency, it will hand over Episode 7 to Pixar director Andrew Stanton after epically butt-screwing the pooch on the marketing of John Carter and letting everyone say it was a piece of shit even though it was awesome and the visuals literally mouthed my penis. (Put that quote on the Special Edition Blu-ray.) Also, if you need more proof why George Lucas not being allowed to make these things in his couch-bubble in front of a green screen, scope out the Red Letter Media reviews of the prequels, all of them. (Seriously, it’ll only take four and a half hours and you’re reading this far into this post, so it’s not like you don’t have the time.)

And because I know at least half of you are sexless dorks like myself, here are the latest developments on the comics, TV shows and chances you’ll be watching The Thrawn Trilogy because I want to hear the sound of thousands of vaginas all suddenly crying out then closing themselves at once:

- Timothy Zahn’s Thrawn Trilogy will not be Episodes 7, 8, and 9. [E! News]

- In fact, here’s what to expect because George Lucas has absolutely no qualms running roughshod all over the Expanded Universe. [io9]

- Dark Horse still thinks it’s going to hold onto the comic book rights, but probably has a feeling George Lucas is Lando to Disney’s Vader, oh god, I’m so lonely… [CBR]

- Expect a fast-tracked two-hour block of ABC television featuring Joss Whedon’s S.H.I.E.L.D leading into Star Wars: Maybe Something About Boba Fett. [HuffPost]

Shoot it to me straight: What is sex really like? Because I refuse to believe Chris Klein and his baked goods comparison even though that’s all I’ve had to go on since 1998. *looks down at completely ruined cinnamon babka* That was like that when I bought it. I go to a shitty bakery.

Photo: Getty

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  1. EricLr

    Overheard at the first production meeting: “Yes, I know it’s in a galaxy far-far-away, but there is still plenty of room for product placement.”

    • Shoebacca

      When You Wish Upon a Death Star? Lando and the Tramp? Snow White and the Seven Droids? The Princess Leia Diaries? The Fox and the Han Solo? Jabba the Pooh? Bambi Wan Kenobi? Chitty Chitty Death Star? That’s So Vader?

      • catapostrophe

        I challenge anyone to refrain from crying when C3PO is turned into a real boy at the end of Episode 15.

      • catapostrophe

        … or when the Millennium Falcon accidentally lands on Pluto.

      • James

        Dude, Where’s my landspeeder?

      • I am my Grandfather's Grandson

        Let’s not forget the many cross-marketing opportunities with all the Touchstone movies-also owned by Disney.: Pretty Wookie, 3 Men and a Jedi, 3 Men and a Little Jedi, Father of the Twi’Lek Bride, Starship Storm Troopers, Han and Lando’s High School Reunion, Who Framed R2D2, Good Morning, Mos Eisley; The Color of Republic Dacterian Credits, Forceless People (Ruthless People), Down and Out in Bespin, The TaunTaun Whisperer, Sweet Home Hoth, Under the Tatooine Sun.. I know I know. These are Stupid. But so is Disney buying Lucasfilms.

  2. SIN

    4 BILLION dollars? Hell yes he should have sold out.

    • Burt

      Does he have kids? Are they even interested in managing the company? Besides, they will still consult him, like they do with Stan Lee on the Marvel movie. Was the wisest decision he could make at this stage in his life. My uncle did the same thing when he sold his company to a large conglomerate. Got a huge chunk of change, and he remained on the payroll as president of one of their subsidiaries, padding his retirement fund until he finally retired this year.

  3. JC

    I’ve found that some rock musicians have hung on so far past their prime that their new crap starts to retroactively ruin the material from their best years. I wonder whether it will be 7, 8, or 9 that accomplishes that for Star Wars.

  4. Randal

    The biggest movie series has returned with a force, backed by a brand that has brought us the best names in the business! The return of Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher for a seventh installment will mark the beginning of a whole new adventure!

    Lots of money it will make.

    Randal

  5. It takes a lot to visibly embarrass a droid.

  6. $4.05 billion and that doesn’t even crack a smile from George Lucas?Really how much $ would satisfy him as creatively the 1st three(4,5,6) were his best. The rest is just horeshit? At least the Jew hating Disney characters are smiling all the way to the bank! Goofy Vader GTFO!

  7. kimmykimkim

    You can practically hear the softening of nerd boners everywhere.

  8. Cock Dr

    I no longer care about current and future doings of the Star Wars franchise.
    When the first big Disney product is released I will break out the “Empire Strikes Back” and remember the good old days.

  9. I’m fascinated by all the people talking about how George Lucas “raped” their childhood. When did the definition of rape expand to include re-editing a movie I liked when I was a kid or making new movies I didn’t like?

    Maybe until Geo. Lucas is revealed to have been a Catholic priest or a coach at Penn State, we could hold of on the rape comparisons just a bit?

  10. Satan

    Awesome..Love it!

  11. Right on the money, except for that Stanton idea (though, if the John Carter experience has taught him some humility… Yeah, the guy has talent). I was a young geek when the original SW came out (I’m old), and it was THE MOST FUCKING AWESOME thing in the history of humanity. So, yeah, Lucas’ ambition grew way beyond his talents, and the myth-making was a serious dud, but I’ll be forever grateful for that one movie. And I do believe that Disney – with both the money and the willingness to look for the right talents (see Avengers) – has a better chance of bringing it back to viable life.

    • Inner Retard

      The problem with Hollywood is that it is a very inbred industry. New talent has a very tough time getting in. The saying “It’s not what you know…” was probably coined by someone trying to make it there without connections. As long as new talent can’t get in the same old crap will flow out.

      • Yeah, but never before have we been at a point where I could say, “At this rate it’s only a matter of time before they remake ‘X’,” without my having to Google to make sure it hasn’t already been greenlighted by some studio.

        Fine, a “Facts of Life” movie. That might be pushing it.

      • I’m on board with a “Facts of Life” movie provided Blair is still hot, Tootie’s hit puberty, and half the cast doesn’t turn out to be raging fundamentalists. And preferably based on seasons 4-7, because no one remembers the girls from the early years (except Geri, of course), and the series jumped the shark when they left the school for that…proto-Hot Topic place. Oh, and a George Clooney cameo, naturally.

        Eh, I don’t really care about FOL. I’m just happy to be back online (not from home though).

      • It’s just that the world never seems to be living up to my dreams, TomFrank. And also I believe Alan Thicke controls my mind.

  12. catapostrophe

    The $0.05 Billion was tacked on when he agreed to pose for that photo.

  13. I think I’m most offended by Darth Goofius up there.

  14. anonymous

    Somewhere out there both Johnny Depp and Tim Burton are spit shining each other’s lightsabers waiting for the greenlight.

  15. mke

    I am not surprised…pretty sure Star Wars Kinect Dance Off was a prelude to the imbalance of the Force

  16. Colin

    Do you know why the prequel trilogy sucked? For the same reason that parts of the original were cringe-worthy. GEORGE LUCAS CAN’T WRITE DIALOGUE. That’s why Han Solo was the breakout star, because Harrison Ford looked at the script and said, “This is stupid, Imma say something funny instead.” HAving Lucas not be a part of it gives me hope… dare I say… A New Ho–*kills self*

  17. Brooke

    Red Letter Media is a fucking brilliant site, I’m glad they are getting recognition for their awesomeness.

  18. LA

    I’m not really a Star Wars guy, but I predict Disney is going to be a huge ass about its IP rights. That means stuff like Troops will be in the crosshairs.

  19. Yes I want MOAR of this god-awful, horribly acted and supremely overrated franchise.

  20. I fucking love you, man

  21. lerxt

    First release from Disney-Lucasfilm:

    Song of the Sith

  22. What would surprise me (but won’t happen) is if it’s as good as the new Marvel franchise is… after all, that’s Disney owned, too.

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