George Lucas is Still Raping Childhoods

By: The Superficial / August 31, 2011

“Rape will keep the local systems in line. Also, neck pouches.”

If you haven’t heard the sound of millions of Internet voices suddenly crying out in terror and were suddenly silenced, George Lucas has altered the original Star Wars trilogy again for next month’s Blu-ray release, according to Badass Digest’s Drew Faraci who has confirmed the following changes:

1. Darth Vader yells, “No, noooo!” while The Emperor is electrocuting Luke.
2. Obi-Wan Kenobi’s Krayt Dragon yell now sounds like a pedophile getting his dick caught in a screen door. (Thanks to reader Elvis for that one.)
3. The Ewoks blink now.

Lucas also made changes to the prequels, but no one gives a shit about those, so I don’t know why even mentioned it. But once you see how ridiculously gratuitous the new Obi-Wan edit is, you can’t help but think Lucas is literally fucking with us. At this point, I almost want to see these just to watch how many ridiculous changes he made because he can. I’m talking Han Solo’s a ham sandwich with sideburns and, fuck it, let’s make Luke Skywalker Jar Jar Binks now.

I just gave him more ideas, didn’t I? Shit shit shit shit… *searches for Delete button*

NOTE: While the video is from the DVDs, Badass Digest has confirmed this is the new audio from the Blu-rays in all their rape-tacular goodness.

Obi-Wan Kenobi Hits Puberty, Hilarity Ensues


Darth Vader Gets All Emotional and Shit


And Something To Take The Edge Off

Photos: Getty, WENN