George Lucas is Still Raping Childhoods

August 31st, 2011 // 87 Comments

“Rape will keep the local systems in line. Also, neck pouches.”

If you haven’t heard the sound of millions of Internet voices suddenly crying out in terror and were suddenly silenced, George Lucas has altered the original Star Wars trilogy again for next month’s Blu-ray release, according to Badass Digest‘s Drew Faraci who has confirmed the following changes:

1. Darth Vader yells, “No, noooo!” while The Emperor is electrocuting Luke.
2. Obi-Wan Kenobi’s Krayt Dragon yell now sounds like a pedophile getting his dick caught in a screen door. (Thanks to reader Elvis for that one.)
3. The Ewoks blink now.

Lucas also made changes to the prequels, but no one gives a shit about those, so I don’t know why even mentioned it. But once you see how ridiculously gratuitous the new Obi-Wan edit is, you can’t help but think Lucas is literally fucking with us. At this point, I almost want to see these just to watch how many ridiculous changes he made because he can. I’m talking Han Solo’s a ham sandwich with sideburns and, fuck it, let’s make Luke Skywalker Jar Jar Binks now.

I just gave him more ideas, didn’t I? Shit shit shit shit… *searches for Delete button*

NOTE: While the video is from the DVDs, Badass Digest has confirmed this is the new audio from the Blu-rays in all their rape-tacular goodness.

Obi-Wan Kenobi Hits Puberty, Hilarity Ensues

Darth Vader Gets All Emotional and Shit

And Something To Take The Edge Off

Photos: Getty, WENN

superficial

  1. obie won

    george ur not fooling anyone with that beard chin line.
    take some of ur star wars $$$ and get urself a neck lift.

    • Fester

      Show some respect, that’s no way to talk about the Emperor Chin!

    • itch

      I have an itch to like slap that chin around and fondle it. Not in a sexual way of course but in like a stress ball squeeze type of way. I’m sensory.

  2. mentok

    For fuck’s sake…

    I’m going to seriously have to dust off the old THX tapes and let my son only watch those. This is gone too far…

    • I am with you. I have the old original untouched trilogy on VHS….just no VCR. Do they even sell those things anymore?

      • rm

        only in combination with a dvd player, and there is (literally) only one factory in the world still producing spare parts for vcr’s.

      • juaquin ingles

        Everything from the fake as fuck looking CGI to greedo shooting first to pussifying vadar… etc etc… Lucas has destroyed these movies. And drew you’re an asshole.

    • Drew

      Or you could get a life and stop pretending that some continuity changes (that you only notice because of nostalgia), will actually negatively affect a new viewers perception on the characters and story.

      • Well…I perceive you to be a street walking cock sucker that holds the world record for shoving 9 Jar-Jar figurines up inside your corn-hole.

      • peanut eminem

        Like when he replaced stormtrooper’s guns with walkie-talkies? That doesn’t affect a viewers perception of the characters? He turned them into mall cops.
        And, you need to stfu.

      • Deacon Jones

        @ Nunyo

        LMAO

      • kimmykimkim

        I agree with all of you. Drew IS a total asshole.

      • obie juan

        Drew = George Lucas clone # 143.

      • duder

        @Drew And the old viewers, the ones who saw the original and correct version? We don’t count for anything? Walt Whitman wrote Leaves of Grass into the ground over decades until it was a bloated mess. Henry James revised some of his books much like Lucas is going back to his movies: he robbed them of their youth and beauty as a result. It’s not new, but it’s still not right. Even if it works with the story telling continuity, it does not work with the spirit of continuity. Lucas is taking a young man’s spirited movie and injecting sections of old man chunkiness and cynicism, disguised with cool toys and a shallow, cynical “hope.” Once you publish your masterpiece, you leave it the hell alone. To do otherwise is to disrespect the viewers who made you who you are based on those very movies.

    • mupp

      Agreed 100%…this shit is taking classics and raping them behind the local swimming pool.

    • Serficus

      I have rips of the THX laserdiscs on DVD. Those are the best quality transfers of the “real” films. (Except for those gray boxes around the ships in space.)

    • Wait

      you guys ARE aware that the big bad evil meany George Lucas has released the untouched, theatrical editions of the original trilogy on DVD, right? … Right ?

      I mean, okay, if your opinion is that revising films is not acceptable, that’s all well and good, but George hasn’t stopped you watching the unaltered editions, and he isn’t raping your childhood or torturing your teddy bear or murdering your innocence or misappropriating your allowance or any other stupidly outlandish metaphor you can come up with.

  3. Pippy Longcockings

    This is what Elvis would look like now if he’d lived.

  4. Dan

    OOOOOOOOH MY GOD.

    Lucas STOP FUCKING WITH IT. Seriously, you cannot make in any better. It is done. It is what it is. Stop it.

    Just stop.

    http://www.slashfilm.com/lol-george-lucas-and-steven-spielberg-rape-indiana-jones-on-south-park/

  5. Rough the closer

    It’s his shit, he does what he pleases. Similar to a certain website.

  6. The Sheen

    Someone throw Fat Lucas into the abyss before it’s too late.

  7. Savalas

    Cut the guy some slack. These pictures show that at least he’s not succumbed to growing a neckbeard to hide the fact he’s put a few too many Chewies into his Sarlacc Pit over the years.

    Fight the good fight, George!

  8. May

    George Lucas really needs a new hobby.

    Plus, Don Cheadle is a true idol.

  9. fooey

    No…nooooo!

  10. Fight!

    Star Wars wasn’t even that dope.
    If it came out now you’d be all, “that shit is weak.”

  11. Deacon Jones

    Wow, and I thought Lucas was a money-grubbing fuck BEFORE this.

    What’s more pathetic is the self-titled “die hards” will go buy this shit. Again.

    If he’s going to make blatant attempts to cash in on Star Wars, do something fun man, like reissue all the actiuon figures again, carbon copy. Don’t touch a fucking thing. Hell, I’d go start buying them again, even though they’re in my attic.

    • Sheridan

      If he reissued them I would sell my house and rent my mom’s basement and buy them all and you would never see me again except for the hookers dressed as Princess Leia coming and going.

  12. LuciferRising

    Seriously WTF. He keeps ruining childhood memories. He’s a no talent hack that keeps riding the gravy train of his former success.

    Come up with a fresh new idea for films instead of f@@king with the old ones. He will just ruin them more once they are released in 3D in the theaters. You know he’s going to CGI more sh#$ into the films!

    BLASPHEMY BLASPHEMY BLASPHEMY! You are a blasphemer George Lucas. May God have mercy on your soul for ruining your only successful franchise.

    • OK

      Indiana Jones was pretty successful too. Until he shit out the fourth one. But that was just a dream right? He-he, it never really happened. Right? Of course it didn’t. Hey look, its raining.

  13. George Lucas Star Wars Blu Ray
    Commented on this photo:

    “May the fat be with you.”

  14. I hate to break it to you guys but he has been doing re-dos on the Star Wars movies for years. the one that got me was having Jabba the Hutt in episode 4.
    also having episode 4 :A New Hope in the prologue instead of just star Wars.

    what he should do is have a seperate DVD/Blu-Ray of the original broadcasts to make everyone happy.

  15. George Lucas Star Wars Blu Ray
    Commented on this photo:

    he can do whatever the fuck he wants…they are his movies

  16. TheListener

    The man is a perfectionist. He wanted to fine tune a few details. It’s not a big deal. It’s not like he changed the outcome of any episode. Cut him some slack.

    • Don’t give him any ideas. Next we will find out that Luke doesn’t lose a hand, Vader is not his father and no Bothans died to sneak out the Death Star plans.

    • Dr Ha-Ha

      If he wants to ‘fine-tune’ details, how about replacing Jar Jar Binks with a topless naked chick with huge tatas (he can explain it away by saying she was a genetic freak member of JJB’s species).

  17. “May the fat be with you.”

  18. Tommy

    I’m convinced Lucas is the world’s greatest troll at this point. Er, sorry, I mean Gamorrean Guard.

  19. George Lucas Star Wars Blu Ray
    Dave Mustaine
    Commented on this photo:

    Is this a pic of the blinking Ewok?

  20. Erica

    “Literally” fucking with us huh?

  21. TomFrank

    For those of you who haven’t reached that level of nerd where you can instantly replay in your mind the sound Obi-Wan Kenobi originally made to scare off the Sand People, here is a link to the original version:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUKKnD02eeE#t=01m45s

  22. George Lucas Star Wars Blu Ray
    Codot
    Commented on this photo:

    If there was ONE PERSON in the ENTIRE WORLD who needs a neck beard, it would be this man.

  23. Oogidyboogidy

    Well if it’s any consolation…if the continued existence of the “Star Wars Holiday Special” has taught us anything, even Lord Meatbeard cannot fully extinguish the originals.

    He can continue pumping out this shit every 3 years with more “tweaks” and it won’t ever change that the original was better. Better yet, the original cuts will be floating around the internet forEVER and there’s not a thing Meatbeard can do about it.

  24. Richard McBeef

    The ewoks blink now?

    *inserts gun in mouth*

  25. Did they overdub Obi-Wan with Andy Dick’s mating call?

  26. TetterkeT

    What a fucking asshole.

  27. Cher X

    With the last rape they got rid of the Ewok song at the end and part of my childhood died a little.

  28. George Lucas Star Wars Blu Ray
    Double D
    Commented on this photo:

    $4 billion doesn’t buy some lipo?

  29. diddleysquat

    Lucas should consider CGI-ing that quadruple chin

  30. He looks like he went through the Brundlefly machine with a bullfrog.

  31. kimmykimkim

    Him doing this is the equivalent of Beethoven redoing Für Elise or Dalí redoing The Persistence of Memory or Michael Jackson redoing the Thriller video. Those people are all dead, I know. Ok, then, it would be like Tori Amos redoing Little Earthquakes. (I’m a different type of nerd.)

  32. He turned Kwame into a tree? Why not Ma-Ti? Ma-Ti’s ring was garbage, he would have been happier as a tree.

  33. George Lucas Star Wars Blu Ray
    TomFrank
    Commented on this photo:

    “Now Darth Vader will bend over so I can shove this light saber up his ass. And then my journey towards the Dark Side will be complete.”

  34. In addition to blinking, he will also be making the Ewoks more realistic by giving them little red telescoping dog penises and adding a leg-humping sequence to the victory celebration in the forest of Endor.

  35. George Lucas Star Wars Blu Ray
    GuidotheRed
    Commented on this photo:

    needs neck gel

  36. George Lucas Star Wars Blu Ray
    TheAdmiral
    Commented on this photo:

    God damn, does he store nuts in there for the winter?

  37. The Everlasting Know-It-All

    I’m still hanging on to my Pioneer laserdisc player. The “original” trilogy is a big reason why. Solo shot first!

    It’s a great format. I’ve got a lot of the same movies on LD and DVD. Usually the laserdiscs look better. They’re analog but they’re not compressed. No artifacts.

    There’s a lot of laserdisc collections to be found on Ebay for pennies on the dollar too.

  38. Clown Shoes

    Its like his neck is trying to swallow his head.

  39. Raye

    The title of this article is horrible and offensive. George Lucas is not ‘raping’ anything. You haven’t been raped, and you cannot imagine what it’s like to be raped if you think changing a few small details from a stupid movie series is the equivalent to having your basic human rights violated.

  40. LadyPenny

    Seriously folks, he owns this shit, he’s gonna do what he wants to do with/to it no matter how long or hard or loud people bitch about it. And you know why? Because he CAN. Just get over it already and quit feeding the trolls.

  41. Dr Ha-Ha

    Looking at his face, I’m simply amazed he’s going to such stylistic lengths to hide his obvious baldness, yet the chin – which is clealry inspiring Kirsten Dunst to greater heights – he obviously thinks is well compensated for by his beard. No wonder he doesn’t realise he’s fucking up his movies, his perceptual capabilities of what works are non-existent.

  42. The fuck is wrong with that man.

  43. beast

    The goiter grows as the ego grows. Get this man some iodine!

  44. hugitout

    I was expecting a lot of Jabba jokes….I’m pleasantly surprised

  45. Elf

    >
    > Lucas also made changes to the prequels
    >

    Prequels? What prequels? THERE ARE NO STAR WARS PREQUELS! Don’t tell me: You are also one of those who claim that Matrix was a trilogy!

    • Dr Ha-Ha

      haha. The 2 turds tacked onto The Matrix were the purest money grabs I’ve ever had the displeasure to witness.

  46. Mark

    Some claim after watching the premier of The Phantom Menace they heard Lucas say “I am become death, the destroyer of Star Wars” Then he shrugged and continued: So, Blu-ray you say?

  47. nick

    Name another director who changes their movie after it’s been released.

    • sobrietyisacrutch

      Hmmm…
      Ridley Scott – “Blade Runner”
      Francis Ford Coppola – “Apocolypse Now”, “The Godfather” (1 and 2)
      All those dumb-ass “Final Destinations” where you choose the ending.
      ANY DVD release that includes “Alternate Endings”.
      ANYONE who colorizes their black-n-white classics.

      I could go on but my soup is getting cold.

      • CPR

        However, since Ridley Scott is a competent director/editor, Blade Runner has only gotten better with each successive version. Also director’s cuts and alternate endings and the like are just re-edits of existing material, not a mad dash to insert as much CGI as possible in an attempt to alter every frame of original footage. For example, director’s cuts of Blade Runner remove the godawful narration, restore the originally intended ending, and fiddle with the pacing. They don’t make the blade runner in the opening scene shoot first or add 200 more air cars to the LA skyline.

  48. iloveabigbone

    “neck pouch”……….SCORE!!!! LOL!

  49. redbullgivesuwind

    so im intrequed what would you guys change in star wars to bring it to what you want. and no saying killing george lucas doesnt count. Where do you think its okay to make changes. How would you have done the prequels?

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