St. Michael Lohan offers advice to the Spears

December 28th, 2007 // 42 Comments

Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael Lohan offers some of his recently acquired spiritual advice to the Spears family as they cope with Jamie Lynn’s teenage pregnancy. Michael knows what it’s like to get caught up in the “whirlwind” that comes from having celebrity children. Here’s what he told the Spears, as reported by Extra:

“Stand together,” he insisted. “Stand by each other and don’t let anyone come between you.”

Michael added, “Even if you have to get really like insanely close to your daughter’s unfathomably large breasts for her age, just keep standing by each other. Don’t let anything come between you. Especially pants: The devil’s most sinister form. I rebuke you, pants!”

NOTE: I added some pictures of Lindsay Lohan in black tights just for the hell of it.

Photos: Splash News
superficial

  1. coke

    first?

  2. coke

    Are those apron strings with that turtleneck?

  3. coke

    go to hell!

  4. DrPhowstus

    “Stand by each other and don’t let anyone come between you.”

    Isn’t that what Joe Simpson says to his daughter’s legs?

  5. Sheva

    From some pictures I’ve seen of little Spears, I don’t want anything between her breasts and me. But is she legal in NYC?

    That’s what Mr. Lohan is really thinking.

  6. Auntie Kryst

    Seer, shaman, sage? It’s so hard to describe this man other than he is a fountain of wisdom. Thank you Mr. Lohan for your wonderful advice. Despite being a convict you are the paradigm of good sense and virtue. Saint Michael indeed!

    In a related topic, Fish, when are we going to get to see the porn pics that douchebag snowboarder took of Lindsey?

  7. minniememe

    somebody should throw some purple paint on that rabbit coat, you know, to match those ugly purple boots

  8. kkfun

    His doughter is a cute babe…She was said to have a personal account on a millionaire&celebs online service “meetrich.com” with her hot pictures and blogs there. Quite a few fans and hot guys are found in her circle there.

  9. notfirst

    Old news is…. OLD NEWS…

    … which means there is NO NEWS here.

    Fishdude you are a thief!

    Go get some new news!

  10. Anonymous

    For #9 kkfun:

    Hi there, I’m a loser with no life. I’m paid $3.50 per hour to post idiotic drivel, directing you to some lame dating website that takes your money and gives you nothing in return. I have no job, so I sit around all day and post this garbage on as many websites as I can under many different aliases. I don’t have any friends, so I must rely on these moronic posts to make myself feel better about myself. My mother hates me and dropped me on my head as a child. You can find me at I’mAnIdiotTrollWithNoLifeAndShouldBeKilled.com
    I heard Jamie Lynn Spears met her older man, I mean match, at this site.

  11. Conscience Found

    oh good one fish. you have now insinuated that micheal is incestuously involved with lindsay. its not enough that they suffer from her addiction. all your evil gossip mongering minions should enjoy that.

    atheist you are a dime a dozen. im sure you enjoy the hateful atheist sites that offer similar filth. you are so unique so cool and so edgy. karma will catch up to you and all the trolls here.

  12. veggi

    12- how do you know people call this the fish? Linger much?

  13. adeliza

    I wish someone would shoot this stupid cunt. I don’t understand what the big fucking deal is about her.

  14. RichPort

    #12 – So, Father Conscience, what’s it like to fuck an altar boy? I hear they stop screaming when you offer them candy or tell them screamers only go to hell, but that they’re tighter than a size 2 on Kim Kardasian. I have no interest in the priesthood and am therefore no pedophile, I just like to know what motivates the wackos.

  15. Bob

    #12,
    You make incest sound bad. Mother told me it was a good thing that she taught me about sex, first hand. A Mother is a son’s best friend.

  16. Shallow Val

    Y’know, I don’t hold anything against him. She’s his oldest daughter; they’re always the favorite. I give him kudos for staying “clean” (no one REALLY knows if he’s truly clean anyway), and trying to help out this ridiculously pathetic slut who had an equally pathetic whore mother showing her the ropes.

    We don’t hear from Dina these days because, and mark my words, you can guarantee she’s molding Ali Lohan to be the next actress/slut/whore/junkie/ single mom. She’s got a lot of competition with the Spears’ fiasco.

  17. dummy

    13 – linger longerrrrrrrrrr (O & A)

  18. minniememe

    who’s lingering instead of lurking? jeez

  19. Auntie Kryst

    @12 For shame for shame for shame! Conscience, you are a traitor of the one true God. How dare you believe in “karma”, a religious precept of the pagan Hindus! God will smite you, and after the smiting your smited ass will be smote fo sho! I do have to thank you for not using all caps this time. It is, however acceptable to capitalize the first letter at the beginning of a sentence.

  20. RichPort

    Oh shit! I never realized Lindsey’s dad was Mike Huckabee.

  21. Conscience Found

    yOU dONT kNOW wHAT tHY aRE tALKING aBOUT aUNTIE

  22. ConscienceFoundIsLindsayLohansDad

    This man is like a bowel movement. No matter how hard you try you can’t the shit from coming out.

  23. Auntie Kryst

    @22 Lame!

  24. Put that advice of yours in your daughter’s ASS and go back to jail, WILL YE!!

  25. CJ

    I’m a firm believer in people being capable of change…but in this case….hahahahaaaa!!! Let LL go belly up and not have money to buy a latte’ and it’s buh-bye…

  26. India74

    Is it just me, or does she look like Janice from the muppets?

  27. Anonymous

    “We don’t hear from Dina these days because, and mark my words, you can guarantee she’s molding Ali Lohan to be the next actress/slut/whore/junkie/ single mom. She’s got a lot of competition with the Spears’ fiasco.”

    You are SO correct. You can bet Dina was very pissed off about JLS getting pregnant……..she’s going to have to move Ali’s pregnancy to the front burner now. After the boob job, of course.

  28. its better to fixed his prob first before advising others in their fault…

  29. Shallow Val

    28 – Yeah because Ali’s chest is as flat as Jessica Simpsons ass.

  30. louise56563

    I don’t know whether you have watched his recent video? If you have, you will understand why so many people scold him at http://sugarlandy.blogspot.com.

  31. ellen

    there is something that parents should do to prevent that teenage
    pregnancy

  32. i signed in http://www.interracialloving.com and there were always many men and women talking about him… you know it is a site where diversely ethnic singles meet new friends, make great dates, and build lasting interracial relationships.

  33. AssBigot

    #12

    you fucking hypocrite

  34. Worry about your own whore daughter pal!

  35. Yep, take care your daughter first, man!

    Happy New Year for all!

  36. Here is the complete, formal message St. Lohan sent to the Spears family:

    Come Bathe In The Healing Light Of My Cock
    http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33430

    “Are you all alone in this world, with nowhere to turn? Are you one of the billions of wounded souls who have suffered a deep and unnameable anguish? Well, there is someone out there who understands. Or, to be more precise, something that understands. Something far bigger than you can possibly imagine.

    You need to know that no matter how low you are feeling, you have a friend right now. A friend named My Cock.

    My Cock will be there for you always, and My Cock does not judge. It just loves. Can you imagine being loved more than you ever thought possible? And more frequently? That is a joy you can know today, simply by inviting My Cock into your heart and various other parts of yourself.

    Does it feel like the whole world has turned against you? My Cock would never turn against you. My Cock is loving and gentle. It will ease your pain and bathe you in Its healing glory, because My Cock understands, and It wants to love you as much as you want to be loved.

    I know you are going through some hard times right now. But as hard as these times are, you must understand that there is something out there that is even harder. Let My Cock show you that you can know joy once again. You can know a deep and long-lasting joy. A deep, deep, deep and long-lasting joy. All night long, I would imagine…

    …But as important as it is to start and nurture a personal relationship with My Cock, you need to know that you have an enemy, as well. An enemy who pretends to have your best interests in mind but is really just out to use and destroy you. That enemy is called Jerry Smidlap’s Cock. And it will lead you down a path to destruction.

    My Cock does not discriminate. My Cock does not care whether you are rich, poor, young, old, black, white, red, yellow, or plaid. There is room for everyone-with the possible exception of fatties-in the Kingdom of My Cock. And there is nothing you can do that would make My Cock turn Its back on you. And not merely because it has no back. For even if It had a back, My Cock would never turn it on you because of something you did, no matter how bad the deed was…”

    Or you could just stay drunk and assault people like St. Lohan himself.

  37. Your mom

    How much is Lindsay paying her dad to keep her gossipy relevant without calling the paparazzi herself?

  38. Did anybody else hear the rumor that this guy fucked himself in the ass with a DVD copy of Juno?

  39. Mary K

    sorry but he would be the last person I would take advise from. That whole family is fucked up. All the mother wants to do is party like she was the star and her daughter DOES party like a rock star and the father is just plain crazy. So tell me agian why I should listen to him????

  40. evan

    lindsay is so attractive, young blonde and cute actress of the young hot hollywood.

  41. Maryellen

    An impressive share! I’ve just forwarded this onto a coworker who was conducting a little research on this. And he in fact ordered me breakfast due to the fact that I discovered it for him… lol. So allow me to reword this…. Thanks for the meal!! But yeah, thanks for spending time to discuss this issue here on your site.

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