The ‘Spring Breakers’ Reviews Are In

March 15th, 2013 // 35 Comments
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Spring Breakers premiered at SXSW this week, and since apparently the opinion of a weiner humorist/breast pictorologist isn’t good enough to get invited, I still haven’t seen it. And probably won’t judging by the reviews I’ve cobbled together in case everyone wasn’t sure the entire year we’ve spent looking at bikini photos from the set wasn’t a way sexier and cheaper use of our time. So below are a couple of critics I won’t insult by calling colleagues because they use big words like “enervating” and “labial mounds,” whatever that last one means. Or you can just bail right now and stare at pics of Vanessa Hudgens doing Pilates in booty shorts. This is a happy place.


The main obsession mined in Spring Breakers is frat culture, rap culture, and coed pseudo porn. The movie opens with slow-motion fake tits getting shot with beer and water, leading into a shot of four buff frat dudes holding beer cans as their dicks, “pissing” beer onto eager, arch-backed topless women sitting in front of them in the prone. As Korine turns his eye to his stars, he never tries to disguise the lingering close-ups of their labial mounds, faintly visible beneath their ribbon-thin layer of neoprene, making expressly clear what so much faux-chaste youth programming denies but so obviously fetishizes. That those stars are former Disney Channel babes and a beard brigade of Bieber and Efron exes is just Smirnoff icing on the jizz cake. Read More >

The A.V. Club

The sensual overload of Korine’s Day-Glo images of bodies in motion, underlined by the sonic assault of Skrillex’s score, makes Spring Breakers seem transcendent in five-minute bursts. But the overall effect is enervating, like a party that grinds on after most of the attendees have either left or passed out. Read More >

Los Angeles Times

Is any of it sexy? Not especially. Is it violent? Plenty of TV shows are worse. Is it truthful? Well, yes and no. Korine does manage the nifty respiratory trick of breathing in the intoxicating perfume of debauchery while exhaling a self-satisfied soullessness about it all. In the end, it’s the strip club leer that hardens into a catatonic stare, which in its way is commentary enough for a pop-exploitation riff like “Spring Breakers.” Read More >


I just dub-stepped in a big pile of sh#t by seeing “Spring Breakers.” Read More >

Photo: INFdaily, Splash News, WENN


  1. Richard Richard

    Interesting fact that although America considers jailbait girls to be hysterically illegal to even be in the same room with, they apparently will eagerly pay money to see jailbait girls in bikinis on the big screen.

  2. Unless one of these girls was giving you a blowjob during the movie, who the fuck would actually waste their time going to see this crap, much less review it?

  3. Was anybody expecting this game to be “Citizen Kane”?

  4. Visible Ink

    Well, maybe not an Oscar but at least a Golden Globe is in sight. Or whatever they call awards at the AVN.

  5. The couldve saved A LOT of money and just showed 2 hours of the girls having a train of guys giving them facials. Like 300 of them.

  6. Rachel Korine Wardrobe Malfunction Nipple Spring Breakers Premiere LA
    Commented on this photo:

    Mickey “Hey Donald, let’s make a porno.”
    Donald “Okay, but I don’t think Minnie and Daisy are gonna like it.”
    “F*cj that. I’m gonna cash in on these litlle tramps before they lose it like Britney and Miley.”
    Goofy “Yup, yup, yup.”

  7. Fresco

    Selena sure is the odd one out in this picture.

  8. anonym

    The thought of having a 5-some with these bitches and getting all their pussy juices on my cock is making me hard.

    Can’t resist that barely-jailbait look.

  9. John

    they LOOK like children, thats what is slimey about it…my 14 year old daughter looks older than these women I think this isjust going to fuel more pedophiles out there to do more horrid crimes (look up Michael Briere, Holly Jones murder..he was looking a child porn before he went out a killed this poor girl). Yeah so innocent. Its sick/

  10. anonymous

    Vanessa Hudgens always looks like the one chick who’ll get piss drunk at party and end up trained by a line of dudes in a back room.

  11. Adolph Shitler

    I think you mean Natalie Portman in ‘The Professional’. My hand and dick were arrested after that one.

  12. Zac Efron

    Vanessa used to give it to me in the ass so hard with her big black 12″ strap-on

  13. Justin Bieber

    OMG Zac! And I totally miss Selena fisting my asshole! Lets get together soon for a fisting party! Call me!

  14. Mrs. Butterworth's Syrup

    Lets face it, the is Miss Vanessa’s zenith as an actress. From here, it’s to late night Cinemax, a special Playboy cover, and then 3 years of porn with hairy dudes before she ends up being totally forgotten

  15. tlmck

    At least we know how the ugly girl got into the film. She is the director’s wife.

  16. kery

    Those girls aren’t going to win an oscar for this movie but they explore the only talent they have: their youth and body nothing else ;D

  17. imfistingyourwifeasiwritethis

    ah, kery, but there is so much more to explore with these whores with a short ride in my rape van

  18. Having not seen the movie, I can only surmise that making it socially relevant would have taken no more than three or four 5-minute nude scenes. Per girl.

  19. Another vote here for the fact that Selena Gomez looks like a ten year old, and anyone who can sexualize that is worth putting on a watchlist.

  20. I have been posting long time poster on The Superficial. WTF? This really came from the left field period! Didn’t read any but 1st sentence creeped me out . Please get help.

  21. Jimbo Jones

    This was actually a very good movie – one of my favourites of the year so far…

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