♫ Here Comes The Spider-Man… ♫

February 4th, 2011 // 77 Comments

Or maybe just that guy.

In case you’ve been literally nowhere on the Internet this morning, the new Spider-Man movie has officially crossed the line from unnecessary reboot to the most intricate gay porn since Top Gun. On that note, that noise you just heard was every single exec at Sony realizing they’ve financed a movie where Spider-Man gets downward dogged in a parking lot. Which, let’s be honest, is going to move a shit-ton of action figures. To you, not me.

*Googles pre-orders*

Aw, sweet. This one shoots web-goo.

Photos: Splash News, WENN

superficial

  1. nads

    first!

  2. ick-abod

    his spidey sense isn’t the only thing tingling.

  3. Anna

    Nice! This is what I come to this site for! Keep up the great work!

  4. jumpin_j

    Seriously, do we need a “reboot” when the last Spiderman movie came out three years ago? It’s like saying “Let’s reboot Knight And Day”.

    • yallmorons

      Yes! we do need a reboot because the first time they tried they sucked and ruined the comics! I’m sorry did anyone see Spiderman 3? If you thought that was good you should be shot.

  5. Spider-Man
    lanegra
    Commented on this photo:

    blow job!, blow job!, blow job!, blow job!, blow job!, blow job!, blow job!,

  6. Alex

    I’ve never understood the superhero coolness factor. No one would realistically think a guy in a latex suit is like that is cool, especially if he was shooting out spiderwebs from his wrists and stuff – that’s just fucking gross.

  7. The Pope of Cleveland

    Did he bang Kid Rock in the comics or is that just something new for the movie?

  8. alex

    Okay, please dont call me a geek but what did they do to the costume? Hate it.

    And did you notice he now has buttons for his web shooters? (Like in the comics!) How long before he runs out of web fluid?

  9. Mortimer Duke

    From what im seeing it appears that they angry fucking. Throwing him on the hood of a car n shit.

  10. Spider-Man
    Commented on this photo:

    “Where did the fluffer go?”

  11. jojo

    Spideys’ red Paddington Bear galoshes are to die for.

  12. ♫ Spins a web any size
    Catches thieves with his fly.. ♫

  13. Sam

    They look so happy together!

  14. Spider-Man
    nefilim
    Commented on this photo:

    is it just me or is that another spiderman inside the black car?

  15. Spider-Man
    nads
    Commented on this photo:

    AWE YEAH

  16. Spider-Man
    Dr Sanchez
    Commented on this photo:

    I still think it looks dipper. The face grab adds to the inner turmoil of spideys trousers. This film is already a win.

  17. Ralph “the Karate kid”Macchico is not gonna be happy with this.

  18. Spider-Man
    Sam
    Commented on this photo:

    It must be embarrassing to walk around with spider sized junk.

  19. taco flavored kisses

    Frikkin’ hilarious post!

  20. Spider-Man
    Throjo
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s about time Scott Stapp payed for his crimes against humanity…in the gayest way possible.

  21. Johnny Cage

    So he has Kama Sutra powers in this movie too?

  22. Spider-Man Ass Butt
    Commented on this photo:

    This shot explains why we never see superheroes junk or asses. Thank you comic industry.

  23. anonym

    ahahahahha

    that sure does look like a Spiderman porn parody

  24. Rico

    The new suit looks like total shit. And what is with the big holes on each wrist? Don’t tell me they are trying to address how the web gets through his suit. I think that is one of those movie problems you can just let go, suspend disbelief a little.

    Also it always made more sense that one of Spiderman’s powers was that he actually had the ability to produce web on his own. The web shooters peter parker created never made sense. Why would Spiderman get every spider ability except for the ability to make webbing?

  25. Go Spidy manchowder shooter!

  26. Spider-Man
    kkat
    Commented on this photo:

    nice ripped costume spiderman

  27. Spider-Man
    kkat
    Commented on this photo:

    great way to hide an erection

  28. ordinary asshole

    To be fair, just before this shot, Spiderman and the criminal are slowly molding clay while listening to the Righteous Brothers’ “Unchained Melody.” So…you know…at least it’s classy butt sex.

  29. Everything he shoots out is white and sticky.

  30. manatida madacai

    wow, Dominatrix spiderman can sure take a pounding, I guess he has to work for his money, if you keep looking at the pictures, you can see that Kid rock fucks the shit out of him, rips his suit, fucks him so hard he makes the lenses of the mask pop out, Then peacefully gets in his car and looks at spiderman from the drivers seat like the cheap whore he is,

    This pictures totally look like a prostitution gay movie

  31. sexyman48

    Good to see Puck from the real world getting work.

  32. Spider-Man
    tchde
    Commented on this photo:

    Gay Spiderman beats up lead singer from Nickleback…or is it Stephen Baldwin? I can never tell those two apart.

  33. You complained that the original “Spiderman” was unrealistic so they equipped him with “Spinnerette Blast”.

  34. Spider-Man
    Commented on this photo:

    Those are definitely vinegar strokes.

  35. Spider-Man
    Commented on this photo:

    I hear the reboot will be more true to the comics. Which series portrayed Spider-man as a Power-bottom?

  36. Spider-Man
    Commented on this photo:

    Way to hide the post “thug-wrestling-boner”, spidey.

  37. Spider-Man
    Commented on this photo:

    Newest viral video, “Two boys and a flop”.

  38. Spider-Man Ass Butt
    Commented on this photo:

    Well, they airbrushed him an ass.

  39. Spider-Man Ass Butt
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m assuming they are going to CGI the hell out of that suit.

  40. Spider-Man
    JCKW
    Commented on this photo:

    Here comes the Spiderman… all over your face

  41. pixel

    That first shot looks like he’s about to be fisted.

    Also how do I shot web?

  42. Feely McSmackup

    As if the Gay wasn’t already enough all over this, they go and airbrush Spidey’s ASS?!! Way ta fuck up a perfectly fine trilogy – couldn’t have been any worse of Lucas hasn’t bent Stan Lee and corned him personally.

  43. Spenny Bones

    “Holy goddamn fuck! Is that chick over there the one and only Chad Kroeger, head of the evil Nickeldouche Syndicate? It IS! Sorry M.J., I have a moral obligation to mankind to go double-face-kick the fuck outta that bitch. You’ll have to owe me the rest of this blowie.”

  44. Spider-Man
    Ouddy
    Commented on this photo:

    Hopefully it wont be like the Batman and Robin thing. This costume and the skinny Spiderman looks super gay (not if anything wrong with it) but it is just not cool for our beloved Spiderman.

  45. Spider-Man
    Jason
    Commented on this photo:

    My God the Spider-Man suit looks so horrible.

  46. Spider-Man
    still hit it
    Commented on this photo:

    i always pictured spidey a top.

  47. Spider-Man Ass Butt
    Daniboy
    Commented on this photo:

    Spiderman- “Soooo…. we should do this again sometime.”

  48. Spider-Man
    Daniboy
    Commented on this photo:

    The top is really enjoying that. Who knew Spiderman was so tight??

  49. wtf bruh

    As any Spidey enthusiast knows, he’s just pulling a throw move called a “hurricanrana”. Lets not get too excited and blast this new Spidey without even seeing it yet. But yeah its the internet, everyone has something to say (to try to snag attention).

Leave A Comment