Spencer Pratt comes out of the closet

September 30th, 2009 // 62 Comments

In an interview with PopWrap, Spencer Pratt confirms what anybody who’s ever seen his douchebeard has already known: He’s not banging Heidi:

PW: So it sounds like we shouldn’t expect Speidi babies any time soon.
Spencer: I’m not even kidding, my wife — OK, I’m gonna get crass here — but we’re barely having sex because I’m scared that she’s gonna have a baby. That’s the level our marriage is on right now. I’m not even kidding — my wife has me debating cutting off my nuts.
PW: Do you think she’d trick you into having a baby by saying she was on birth control or something?
Spencer: She’s not the kind of person who would lie — she would just walk away and not answer the question. So yes, I’m very concerned. Our sex life has dramatically changed recently.

I highly doubt their sex life has “dramatically changed recently.” In fact, I’m pretty sure Spencer couldn’t pick his own wife’s vagina out of a line-up.

SPENCER: Uh, is it that one?
COP: Sir, that’s a half eaten donut.
SPENCER: Are you sure about that?
COP: It has sprinkles.
SPENCER: Riiight.

superficial

  1. first. and she’s a bitch, bitches

  2. Oliver Chester The Molester Lester

    I’m sure he has seen pu**y before. He just needs to look in the mirror.

  3. …or between is legs.

    Why are we wasting bandwith looking at this shit?

    Can we see some more pussy flashes or nipple slips please?

  4. JADE

    Dang could it be that Spencer is the smart one?????

  5. I wonder what type of life these people REALLY lead. You cannot take anything they say as truth – and, honestly, why would you want to? He’s probably a closeted homosexual that got married for his career.

  6. D

    Stroke King, what “career” would that be?

    Are we saying that have advanced his career by marrying that…thing…?

  7. havoc

    Why isn’t he looking at a Playboy in these photos. There’s pussy in there…

    .

  8. I think he fears that the baby would have an Easter Island head like hers.

  9. lauren conrad

    Is that one? No spencer, that’s a horse face!

  10. stupidppl

    Why would a guy admit that in an interview?????? I am so sick of hearing about these two!! That is just too much info for me.

  11. NH

    I say off with his balls. I’m with the horse faced one.

  12. GLT

    I’d hand him the knife.

  13. Anne

    Spencer’s Christian education apparently failed to inform him that there is a thing called “birth control” that permits sex without risk of pregnancy.

  14. Harold^Sick

    I propose, since his name is too long and douchey to pronounce fully (and I’m lazy), that we just call him Prancer, in the future.

  15. nADA

    I CAN NOT STOP LAUGHING, YOU ROCK MAN

    I have always thought Pratt was too intense on selling his g/f / wife’s hot body. Somebody who was seriously banging her would be too busy to do all those fake photoshoots.

    She is his beard, no question about that in my mind, but seriously, the way you put it…

    I bow down before you, oh greatness, your sword pen swings

  16. Randal

    This revelation by Mr. Pratt is more important than anything. It makes my tight little bum quiver. Spencer call me.

    Randal

  17. NH

    @14 I second Prancer. That name rocks!

  18. JustWondering

    Where do you think he goes when Heidi breaks out the toys and says nothing is going to happen that he’s interested in.

  19. Bruce Bromley

    Not since Katie Holmes has there been such a horny woman, this explains so much. Little girls past the age of 16 will find a way to get laid. Any of us could tap that (her not him) just by knocking on her door. No wonder shes crazy, she needs her ashes hauled, so to speak.

  20. Maya

    @13: It seems like your sex ed class failed you. Birth control is NOT 100% effective. My sister got pregnant while on the pill. There is a very small risk of pregnancy, but there is still a risk. The only way to prevent pregnancy 100% is abstinence.

  21. Gaydar

    I knew he was gay! Why did he come out of the closet? Poor Heidi, sucks to be her! hahahahah.

  22. drugsorjjesus

    check out spencers new rap video, WEARING A COWBOY HAT, hanging out with a bunch of BIG BLACK GUYS, FILMING THEM WORK OUT, POSING WITH GUNS, and bad freestyle rapping!!!

    http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhBql2YxY9dk7qX27o

    comedy gold

  23. Randal(l)

    thats one step closer to me finally getting that Skin-toned Merkin I’ve been waiting for.

    Randal(l)

  24. Max Planck

    Her dildo would give a more interested in interview. Obviously.

  25. cc

    Didn’t he say about two weeks ago that their private life was like a porn movie?

    Oh and plus 100 on the ‘Prancer’ name. But what do we call Montag?

  26. Me

    Heidi can be Rocky Dennis.

  27. PunkA

    Apparently, the fraud that is their marriage is one step closer to an annulment, just as they planned from the beginning. This unholy union was never real, and is totally fabricated just to make money. It worked, but only because all the newsprograms and websites need daily fodder, which they provide. They probably even got paid to fake it by MTV. Expect that to come out soon too. They are just working off of their script, and are heading for annulment now rather than divorce. I give it 10 weeks, just in time for The Hills season to end.

  28. No Maya

    … seems like the dude who knocked up your sister didn’t use a condom, or didn’t know how to use it properly. Yeah, there are actually directions on how to use one, you just don’t slap it on. You also have to take the pill regulary, not just when you watch Dancing with the Stars finale. “Oh yeah, I forgot to take my pill a couple of times. But it’s still the pill’s fault that I got pregnant, not mine.”

  29. it's me

    so sick of these cunts

  30. it's me

    so sick of these cunts

  31. boo

    at #8, hahahaha, her head DOES look like one of those statues, good call!

  32. Amy

    #19, yeah, because when I was a “little girl past the age of 16″ (wtfever that means), I just went around fucking everyone because I was so horny and needed it. WTF have you been smoking? Where is this imaginary mario world where young women fuck you for just answering the door? A brothel?

  33. Something wrong with that dude…i’d be hitting that all the time

  34. Please Focus

    Now now children quit bickering. We are here to celebrate the news that Spencer was a virgin at birth, remains a virgin and will die a virgin while knowing his beautiful wife takes the edge off with sex toys.

  35. DeviousJinx

    Typically I hate Speidi posts, but this is GOOD FUCKEN NEWS that should be spread around the world. Well at least the part that says there will be no evil spawn coming from these viruses. Not sure how I’d feel about the “confirmation” if I were a gay man.

  36. the only opinion that matters

    I thought I told you, no more of these two wastes of space. Who cares. Now I have to boycott you again. Way to go. How will I kill time at work now!?

  37. Dingus

    DITB – can’t knock up a turd :D

  38. tc

    I cannot imagine what possible other use this woman could be put to other than fucking.

    It is like buying a computer, then not surfing porn, or having a massage without the happy ending, or having ginger children and not beating them.

  39. IKE

    ‘He doesn’t want to knock her up.’ I’d knock her up and I don’t even like her. Spence, send her over her, I’ll to the seed donating thing (100% natural, of course) and you two can continue to discuss purses….or whatever.

  40. Heroiny

    #26 Perfection…

    Well done, sir/madam, well done.

  41. guestgirl1

    i feel her pain….my hub’s doing the same thing right now.

  42. Darth

    It must be shock to Spencer Pratt knowing now that the babies don’t come from the cauliflower.

  43. Gando

    #42
    Didn’t he know that babies jump out of rabbit holes!?

  44. Gilbert Grape

    LMAO ” I’m not even kidding — my wife has me debating cutting off my nuts.” – How much repulsion is a Gay Man supposed to withstand before he goes and does something drastic?

  45. vito

    Ahhh, Christ! Not only is he a piece of shit, but he’s a STUPID piece of shit. What the hell, dude, you’ve already got her, she ain’t THAT bad, so you might as well go ahead and fuck her. Or do her in the ass…or the mouth…or in the ass, THEN in the mouth. .

    If you don’t want to…well, hell. I suppose I could sacrifice myself to do the deed for you. And I’ve already been sterilized, so no live baby-batter.

    Is it true that Hugh Hefner is going to be prosecuted for having her pose (almost) naked in Playboy? I’m not sure, but I believe enticing retards to remove their clothes for prurient purposes is illegal. “Spence” would be a co-defendant except, being a mental/emotional/social misfit himself, he’d be immune from prosecution for that particular charge.

  46. Miss Becky

    @45

    YOU NEVER GO ASS TO MOUTH.

  47. Jamie Lynn's Uterus

    He’s never seen her twat.

  48. TimofArizona

    How did too of the most annoying people on the world. meet each other. That is like 2 gay albinos meeting each other on chance.

    Two Voices and Two Guys

  49. dang

    @48

    Thank kristin cavallari for that

  50. Huh?

    @46: This is Prancer and Rocky we’re talking about. It should be ENCOURAGED.

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