South Park – Scientology Episode

March 20th, 2006 // 106 Comments

This is the entire Scientology episode of South Park that Tom Cruise tried to force off the air and made Isaac Hayes quit as Chef.

NOTE: Make sure you stick around for the credits.


  1. Tom Pierce

    Good work. I applaud you for putting this on. FIRST POST!!!!

  2. Yes!!! Finally.

    Shit tacos fly out of Tom Cruise’s ass!

  3. KMD

    I love how more people will end up seeing this episode than normally would have as a result of his efforts.

  4. Chef didn’t quit, he had a stroke and is still in the hospital.


  5. the_snitch

    Chef got a stroke? It must be the build up of evil thetans in his body, placed there by the evil lord Xenu [HU HU HA]

  6. Binky

    If the result of Tom’s Religious Journey is ” Love one another ” and/or “Due to your yourself as those will do unto you” – I don’t care where he found it – In a volcano or up his ass.
    (But… if it’s just ‘Blow Me Binky’ – I’m ready to review the show.)

  7. Binky

    Try Do* works as well

  8. Supermodelmom1

    That was hilarious (and pretty darn clever)…now WHO said South Park sucked lately? I must disagree!

  9. Binky

    # 8
    World Police Sucked. South Park is on probation.

  10. DrDanny

    I’d really like to score a copy of this as a savable file, just in case the LRons manage to browbeat in to hiding it.

    And thanks, Auntie Clown!


  11. BarbadoSlim

    There’s one thing you cant’t deny about Mr. Cruise, he really does love the cock, he thinks its cooooooooool…

  12. You can download it off (search for s09 e11).

  13. Cira

    Why are all the credits at the end of “John Smith”?

  14. Zapp Brannigan

    Try downloading it through

    Also, check and other bittorrent sites for the episode. Look for Season 9, episode 12.

    Chef, the character, returns to South Park on a new episode this Wednesday. Should be interesting…

  15. Trey Parker and Matt Stone have captured my heart.

  16. antispace

    South Park = brilliant.

  17. Grphdesi23

    Tom Cruise is about as straight as Big Gay Al.

    And by the way…that episode was pure genius.

  18. Binky

    It’s ‘genius’ – but they still blew up any one opposed to the Iraq war in ‘World Police’.
    As Gore Vidal says in ‘Why We Fight’ – America has no memory…
    (Blame me on George Clooney movies)

  19. NoraBalora

    hahahahhahahaha…r kelly singing about the closet…

  20. jonDoe

    All the names were changed to John and Jane smith to imply the possibility that they were going to be sued by the church of scientology. Lol.

  21. Oh Superficial, you are the great provider. If I got down on one knee, would you say yes? Or would you just smash a bottle over my head?

  22. Italian Stallion

    That shit was hilarious!!!!! Wonder why he didn’t want that to air? They forgot to show R.Kelly pissing on them in the closet that nasty kid fucker….HATERS WANTA HATE, LOVERS WANT TO LOVE, I DON’T EVEN WANT NONE OF THEE ABOVE, I WANT TO PISS ON YOU….CHAPPELLE IS A FUNNY BITCH

  23. gammanormids

    How is that the cheff was in a Hospital? I thought Scientology was against that. If he actually suffered a stroke, they wouldn’t allow doctors to operate but give him some vitamins.
    And how was exhausted? What happen with th eexercise and tha vitamins, eh?

  24. playahater101

    That was great. Listening to that description of what they actually believe reaffirms my belief that Tom Cruise is a nutjob.

  25. rori

    i heart you, superfish. thank you for the south park goodies.

  26. Jewbacca

    I think when they made fun of mormons was much funnier but I like this episode because it pissed of Thong Cruise. Anyone ever see Orgasmo? They really let mormons have it in that one.

  27. TaiTai

    I love the way it says “This is what Scientologists actually believe,” since no one in their right minds would think it is possibly anything other than a joke.

  28. Lynette Carrington

    Yes, I have read stuff from ex-Scientologists. They actually believe this. And Tom Cruise probably believes that enough exercise and vitamins make him not gay. L. Ron Hubbard is the “Screwing You For Money” genius of all time! You know what my Thetan is telling me? Sizzzler.

  29. Binky

    # 27 ‘No one in their right minds…’
    ‘The Tower of Babel’ ?
    ‘The Virgin birth ‘?
    ‘Eve’s snake ?’
    ‘Adam’s ribbing’? (I guess that’s you chicks)
    Most religions have a bit of ‘reality baggage’
    Well, ok, we can’t prove the Bible was written by science-fiction writers like Tom’s. But. There are a couple of ???????????????….

  30. nikki

    r kellys brother tells all on miss jones!!! lmao… funny stuff!!!

    now we know why r kelly is in this episode of south park. :rolls:

    hilarious stuff!!!!

  31. In regards to Tom Cruise, the episode had more to do with him NOT coming out of the closet, than Scientology.

    Maybe Mr. Cruise has something to hide.

    Sam Kinison talked about how when they people were accusing Tom Selleck of being gay, he got all riled up and mad, and threatened to suit people.

    He said, “No one actually thought he was gay, until he was so upset, people were like, ‘wait a sec, why is he so upset?’ If he was totally f—ing straight he’d a just laughed it off, but he was like, ‘Hey..hey! hey! hey! I’ve never sucked a dick! I’m Magnum P.I. damnit!’”

  32. totsie

    #23…you’re mixing up Scientology with Christian Science. They’re not the same thing. The former is a religion based on a bunch of science fiction books and have something to do with volcanoes and aliens (I haven’t read this crap–why would I? Altho really, it’s the perfect 80s/90s religion–to get the best “seat” in “heaven” you PAY for it!!) In Christian Science they maintain that the body is “material” and that the self is “spiritual”…so you don’t need medical care because the material is not real. In any case, the Scientologists clearly have the right idea…come up with some exclusive club concept that keeps those lowly NON-SUPERSTAR types out and make everyone pay zillions of dollars to achieve salvation and screw that Jesus peasant guy. If he’d been for real, he’d have cashed in on the whole God thing. What a loser, huh?

  33. Fawlty

    What’s the big deal, didn’t this episode air several months ago?

  34. TaiTai

    #29 Yeah Binky you’re right, it is exactly the same thing. My bad.

  35. canadianeh-me

    for those who want to download the episode, here’s a link:

  36. mrschickee

    That was some funny shit.

  37. Binky

    Well TaiTai #34 – I’m with you.
    I’m glad they had that in – and I thought – ” Wow – this might be weirder than the stuff we’re supposed to ‘go with’.”
    ( I mean, let’s face it. There’s a chance Mary was fooling around a bit on Joe and this ‘virgin birth’ thing was a way of explaining a bit of a bender. But JC was obviously a good shit – one way or another)
    (Don’t let the Danes cartoon this)

  38. lstar28

    Wow I never bothered to look up what scientology was. Is the really it? Are you kidding me? I thought Christianity was far fetched but, damn, this take’s the cake…
    If they hadn’t put that insert that said that this is what they actually believed I would’ve thought SP was just being overdramitic again.

    Tom Cruise and the rest of them must be insane.

  39. TaiTai

    Gee, y’think?

  40. I can’t honestly believe Scientologist believe this. I wanna know how they brain wash people.

  41. DMM

    I don’t understand why he tried to get this episode pulled off the air now. I’ve seen this episode on comedy central like 2 or 3 times in the past month or so. Why didn’t he try to get it pulled off the air before it was ever played on tv?

  42. technis

    #13- The reason why everyone is credited as “John Smith” during the credits is that the creators are taking a jab at the Mormon religion. John Smith was the founder, and wrote the Book of Mormon, much like L-RON did with Dianetics. South Park did an episode paryoding the origins of the Mormon church a few years back, so I think that they were trying to make a relation between Scientology and the Mormon Church. Magic seeing stones, anyone?

  43. hafaball

    Yeah it’s funny, but is it really that much weirder then A naked man and woman being told not to eat a poisoned apple from a snake? Or a man talking to a burning bush that says it’s god? Or that the Earth is actually on top of a fucking turtle? It’s not just Scientology that’s dumb, it’s all those dumbass religions. (Woman made from Adam’s rib? what the hell were they smoking back that….)

  44. JBM...

    #42 – The founder of Mormonism was Joseph Smith. Everyone credited as John or Jane Smith is a jab at the fact that the Church of Scientology is sue-happy.

  45. luv_bug1211

    I think thats the first time ive actually laughted out loud at a south park episode… “daad! Tom Cruise wont come out of the closet!… Gold! Pure Gold!

  46. Baroness

    #43 – That is so true. Any belief that says there’s an invisible man in the sky ruling over all of us is pretty damn funny, in my opinion. It’s just that we’re so used to the concept that it doesn’t strike us as odd and ridiculous anymore.

    That said, I think Scientology has the right idea; they’ve taken an idea and turned it into something outrageously silly, which is what all religions should strive for – instead of doing it half-assedly.

  47. SoupaSarah

    lol that was so funny! Agreed with #45…

    Tom cruise is obv using the scientology content of this episode as a cover up for him not coming out of the closet lol. he tried to get it pulled blatently cos it says hes gay! But by him making such a fuss it makes more people want to see it!

    Scientology is a load if crap, Tom Cruise is just a arrogant sexist freak.

  48. CheekyChops


    Tom, suck this……

  49. Mr. Fritz

    I saw this episode when it first aired. It reminds me of their “Mormon” episode and just as funny. What happened to the first ammendment? What makes that douchebag Cruise think he can censor television? He should come out of the closet and move to Fire Island with Travolta.

  50. gsprescueguy

    Incredibly hilarious! I hope they keep it up. I’m going to start watching.

    It’s funny to me that every other religion has endured hundreds and thousands of years of criticism, wars and persecution, but one ilttle cartoon could offend one person of influence so much that he has to use that influence to get it off the air.

    I think that Tom is just a big fish in a small (and insane) pond. I mean if he was a member of any other religion who would care or know. Because he is a celebrity in an obscure religion (cult, or whatever), he is important to the group to promote there cause.

    Gay or not, insane or not, he needs to be taught a lesson, and I think that the guys from South Park are going to do it. I can’t wait to watch.

    Sorry that you are inconvenienced by that freedom of speech and expression thing Tom.

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