Something About Rosie O’Donnell’s Sex Life EWWW!

You bring the Oops! All Berries Captain Crunch and I’ll bring the juice- this is some feisty breakfast gossip. We’ve got Scott Schiff, an NYC investment banker who can probably buy your parents, in the middle of messy custody battle with his ex-wife, Dana Caruso Schiff, claiming he doesn’t want his kids exposed to the Koosh-slinging lesbotron that is Rosie O’Donnell. According to a PageSix, Scott thinks Rosie and his ex have been touching each other’s vaginas for six months… Scott might also be a douche…

Scott became suspicious of Dana’s friendship with Rosie last year. “Dana’s late-night escapades became so frequent that even their [Upper East Side] building’s doormen began to suspect that she was having an affair,” RadarOnline reported. “[Dana] stopped wearing dresses, and cut her hair short. I think she was trying to look different because of her new relationship with Rosie.”

Really, Scott? Did she find a new obsession with Indigo Girls as well? Leave it to a Wall Street monopoly guy like this to blow the lesbian whistle on his ex-wife who got a haircut.

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In his defense, the reason he doesn’t want his kids around Rosie is because Rosie allegedly threatened her own daughter, Chelsea, that she would “cut a bitch” with a wine bottle a while back… fair enough.

While public divorce is never fun for any parties involved, what’s most striking about this story is the mental image of Rosie O’Donnell consoling this ex-Broadway actress over a glass of chardonnay when suddenly their hands accidentally touch while Rosie is reaching for an entire hunk of brie cheese… Rosie then leans in close, eyes locked to Dana’s. In the dim of the candlelight she takes a deep breath of the lavender-incensed air and says, “This feels so righ-” UGH! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!! *sprints to the bathroom and starts rubbing hand soap all over body*