Someone Find Mariah Carey’s Push-Cart, She’s Gotta Go

I get so much pleasure out of watching Mariah Carey being carried around on stage by her dancers. It kind of reminds me of construction workers moving a ladder that just keeps getting in the way. On top of that, most Mimi fans are so blinded by her album sales that they can’t admit that she’s becoming, well… an old woman. Not that that’s a bad thing, it’s a part of life, but Mariah isn’t going into her twilight without a fight. Since she is surrounded by bootlicking sycophants (her manslave/boyfriend is way too into her), I’ll happily take it upon myself to say it out loud… Mariah needs some bigger pants.

Don’t get it twisted, I’m not saying she should feel bad for being a couple sizes larger than she used to be, I say that when you need several people around you at all times to prop you up, walk you up stars, or carry you around on a chair like an Egyptian queen – you’re either extremely lazy or your circulation is being cut off. Just get comfy, lady.

On top of all this, she’s still complaining about her self-esteem issues, which is absurd because she’s a belugionaire with legions of hardcore fans… I’m talking carve her name into their arm hardcore fans… all over the world. The diva opened up to PageSix about how hard her life is…

At Madison Square Garden on Saturday, Carey exclusively told us, in an all-white room filled with Jo Malone candles, “I just feel like I am a regular human being and I deserve the same respect as anybody else. I have always had low self-esteem, and people do not recognize that.”

It’s my job as an internet pooh-pooh’er to call out someone who goes bowling in high heels as officially being “full of shit” when they say something like, “I’m just a normal person, nobody gets me…”

If you want to see normal people, Mariah, c’mon down to ole’ Randy’s house. We’ll wear our best one-piece Dickies jumpsuits and throw empty spray paint cans into a bonfire just to watch them explode. Then we’ll get so drunk that we end up making out in a Waffle House parking lot. The next day we’ll go buy you some pants that actually fit you and I’ll awkwardly try to not bring up the fact that you fart a lot in your sleep.