So That ‘Guardians of The Galaxy’ Review

August 3rd, 2014 // 17 Comments
Rocket Raccoon Groot

If you’ve been following the site for the past year, then you probably know I’ve been going nerdshit over Guardians of The Galaxy and all the raccoons with a machine gun within. (It even adjusts its little crotch!) So imagine how awesome it must’ve been for me to finally sit down in a theater only get to sick as all hell not even 10 minutes in, and then again 30 minutes after that, before spending the rest of the movie living in fear of shitting my pants and not just from the gun-toting woodland creature who apparently also gets drunk and does adorable little asshole things and, goddammit, we should be allowed to marry them. Anyway, needless to say, I didn’t pay near enough attention to the movie – but did like what I got to see/actually remember – so I’ll be catching it again shortly to jam out a review now that I spent the whole weekend lying on the couch reading comment threads about women whose boyfriends won’t let them fart. It’s good medicine. On a brighter note, we’re still on schedule for a normal week of celebrity tits and dick jokes starting with naked Christina Aguilera who should be hovering right above this post, so I don’t know what the hell you’re even doing down here. Do you like to read about my poop? Is that how you get your jollies, you sick bastard? WHO SENT YOU?!

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  1. Funny story: I woke up sick Saturday morning after going to the movies on Friday night and I’m pretty sure it had something to do with how a woman sitting near me in the theater was releasing gas like it was World War I.

  2. Your doctor sent me. He told me you need to eat more fiber.

  3. Swearin

    If it makes you feel any better, I had to go see X-Men: First Class two times because my friend convinced me that having two gin and tonics and then buying a 4-pack of little white wine bottles and drinking them all within the span of the first two acts of the film would be a good idea. By the end I was pretty sure Michael Fassbender was imaginary, Jennifer Lawrence was actually blue in real life, and the film really ended around the time January Jones did her final round of diamond-tits. Then we went back to my friend’s place and he goaded me into having a boxing match with him, with actual gloves. He always was kind of a dick.

  4. To this day I’ve still never seen Midnight Cowboy because some asshole (me) thought it would be a great idea to drink a bottle of gin before and during the film. Likewise, I’ve never seen Cool Hand Luke in its entirely, but that had to do with a beautiful girl, an Edsel station wagon, and a drive-in theater. True story…*sigh*

  5. P.T.S. Potential Trouble Source

    All I will say Fish, since you were feeling really crappy, next time you see the movie, stay until the very, very end of the credits

  6. JC

    I was at the doctor’s office last Thursday, and one of the morning talk shows was doing an “in depth” interview with Vin Diesel about Groot. A large portion of the interview was given over to the host asking Diesel how Groot would say various things. As you may know, everything translates to “I am Groot.” So it was a 5-minute interview highlighting the fact that Vin Diesel had 1 line the entire movie, and even that was beyond his acting range.

  7. why do you let him lick you like that…… yuck!

  8. JimBB

    It’s like my grandfather used to always say “Kid, you just can’t go wrong listening to a raccoon with a machine gun.”

    Did I mention he had dementia? I probably should have led with that.

  9. Slash

    This review kinda writes itself:

    “So good, you’ll shit your pants …”

  10. Russ

    God damnit! I waited all weekend to go see the movie, expecting your review to give me a go/no go.

    Hope you feel better. Then I want a fucking review.

  11. Deacon Jones

    Maybe you had irritable bowel syndrome, Fish, from the excitement.

    I watched “300- Rise of an EMpire” over vacation last week, and boy, did that fucking film suck!!

  12. DrJ Fever

    Not seeing your review over the weekend made me think ‘Oh shit, the movie is going to be a disaster and fuck up Marvel/Disney so bad that other movies will be screwed, all because Fish hated it so much he couldn’t stand the pain of reviewing it.’
    Such it the power of the Fish that he can make or break a movie based on whether or not he liked it.

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