So Kim Kardashian is a ‘Musician’ Now

January 3rd, 2011 // 78 Comments

2011 isn’t three days old yet, but that hasn’t stopped Kim Kardashian and her people from launching a media blitzkrieg to convince you she’s suddenly a pop star. Because between diet pill promotions, reality show tapings and cellulite shock treatments, she somehow found the time to become a musician and record a new single which she debuted in Vegas on New Year’s Eve (after the jump). And by debut I mean made a DJ play an auto-tuned copy over the house speakers because Kim never strays from the Paris Playbook, and the Paris Playbook explicitly says, “No touring or live performances lest the poor deduce you’re some cunt with a sex tape who thinks she can sing now.” (Its words, not mine.)

That said, I love how this thing is so unoriginal it doesn’t even have a name yet. I’ll be amazed if they focus-group it and the title doesn’t come back, “Vanilla.” Not that it matters considering anyone who thinks her reality show is a true story already pre-ordered enough copies to knit a quilt out of which is exactly why I was against letting the retarded have debit cards. “But they need to do things on their own,” everyone said. Well, those “things” should stop at bagging my groceries, not funding an Armenian cabal hell-bent on birthing their own NBA team. Those mongoloids deserve better than that, the poor, dim-witted bastards. They can only have sex by hiring hookers, you know? Sure, it sounds fun and glamorous and why I talked with a stutter all last year, but that shit still costs money. Kim.

Photos: WireImage, WENN

superficial

  1. she’s a musician. she plays the skin flute

  2. Fool

    There is such a thing as a volume control people, use it wisely.

  3. Govt. Cheese

    Yes she is skanky, but lets be honest…this woman is Beautiful!

  4. ClassyDirtyChick

    wow. GREAT boobs

  5. Kim Kardashian
    first
    Commented on this photo:

    no comments yet?

  6. Kim Kardashian
    mimi
    Commented on this photo:

    Orange Christmas Balls.

  7. Kim Kardashian
    mimi
    Commented on this photo:

    What an elegant woman.

  8. Kim Kardashian
    mimi
    Commented on this photo:

    we just are speechless.
    Looking at this kk thing, it looks like 2011 will be sooo different than 2010.

  9. Lovemypussyhairthick

    Didn’t thisall start with a guy taking a piss on her? This is how talent is discovered? Wow!

  10. coolio

    omg this disgusting faek ho just needs to stop.

  11. kk

    this ho really has no self respect and dignity. she is now a singer? kim, is there anything u won’t do for $? you obviously can’t sing, and Dream is a damn fool for even working with you.

  12. Kim Kardashian
    mimi
    Commented on this photo:

    Somehow, something in that picture tells me that Kim Kardashian message is that in 2011 she still will be ready.
    ready for your…appreciation.

  13. mike

    wow she really needs to stop with all the plastic surgery. her face looks like it doesn’t even move anymore.

  14. wim

    let’s be honest:
    …………………….THIS WOMAN IS MY NO. 1 IN “HOLLYWOOD”, folks!!

  15. Kim Kardashian
    Mark
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks very intelligent.

  16. Kim Kardashian
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like she fucked with her face some more. It looks so full of filler & Botox that the skin is about to burst.
    Keep it up Kim. After all being “beautiful” is the most important accomplishment in her small mind. She doesn’t care about scarring & nerve damage. That happens to other people.
    I will pull up a world wide web chair & continue to watch her stupid self-destruction.

  17. fish merkin

    She needs to take a car ride with Chris Brown.STAT.

  18. Ruffian

    Why does everyone sound like Ke$ha now.

  19. Nikki

    You make it sound as though she hasn’t paid her dues for fame. She was pissed on! ‘Nuff said.

  20. icu

    They autotune big hairy vaginas now…we ARE in the end times.

  21. Kim Kardashian
    Commented on this photo:

    I didnt know screeching and moaning counted as music. You sure that wasnt the soundtrack from her sex tape?

  22. Jess

    they’re literally just playing the track. So imagine shes lipsyncing? shocking. Also true to the Kesha comment, and it is because of the autotune shit that will i am calls ‘the future’

  23. Kim Kardashian
    hueys
    Commented on this photo:

    She is perfect – I would hit it all night long

  24. Kim Kardashian
    Codot
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d say she looks like a blow-up doll here, but her stare is a little too vacant.

  25. Commando Keri

    Shes still just a tootsie roll troll. Blech.

  26. BigDaddy

    Fuck this no-talent fat bitch.

  27. bitingontinfoil

    “So Kim Kardashian is a musician now”…

    …yup, she’s a master of the skin flute.

    • anonymous

      have u seen her video? she’s not a master at the skinflute–that’s for sure. she’s one of them lazy bj bitches

      • harry satchel

        anonymous is right, and hey biting whatever, you may want to glance at the comments before excitedly posting what you think to be something so funny and original it must be done *now*!!! That joke was the very first comment.

      • Brooke

        Ahaha. You made Tinfoil cry.

  28. ray

    I’d like to see her try to dance half as good as britney back in the height of her career.

  29. mimsy

    Where did all this golden shower business start? I’ve seen that video and there was no urine involved.

    • Lady Blah Blah

      mimsy, according to an unnamed “source” cited on several gossip sites, Vivid Entertainment, who released the movie commercially, edited out the golden shower scene. Ray J says in an interview (easily found on YouTube) that he did not leak the tape, and that KK told him that she “lost” it, and that she has no idea how it got leaked (this was before she made a deal with Vivid to market it). No one who has seen the commercially released tape has seen the golden shower scene that is supposedly in the original.

      Let’s say that the scene never happened and it’s nothing but a rumor. The fact that so many are inclined to believe it speaks volumes about how many of us have an extremely low opinion of KK.

  30. ts

    I managed to make it a whole 58 seconds. Horrible.

  31. FYI

    11:51 – In the version that was realeased commericially, I believe through Vivid, they cut the golden-shower scene out. Probably to avoid the video from being legally deemed obscene.

  32. chesty

    good lord she looks like she’s made of plastic in this pic

  33. DM

    So monotone and sounds like her nose is stuffed, terrible…

  34. The crowd was louder then SHE was, and from what little I could hear from it, she sounded like that fat white chic from Real Housewives of Atlanta, and so did the beat to the song…

  35. Lady Blah Blah

    To the ancient Roman poet Ovid, at death, the great Caesars and artists of Rome literally became stars in the sky. Today stardom and celebrity is determined by purveyors of gossip (like our friend the Fish). Today (as Warhol predicted), anyone can become a star or celebrity.

    There are of course stars or celebrities who attained stardom or celebrity status because they worked their asses off cultivating a talent, craft, or skill. But it’s not necessary (Scorcese’s comedic, prescient 1982 movie The King of Comedy, which stars De Niro and Sandra Bernhard, illustrates how this works).

    It’s easy to understand who someone might admire a celebrity or star who “earned” their celebrity status or stardom through hard work and talent, but why do so many people seem to admire “celebrities” whose efforts – if they’ve made any at all – have all been directed toward self-promotion rather than cultivation of talent, craft, or skill, etc.? It’s like admiring some Joe Sixpack or Soccer Mom Sally who happened to get lucky and win the lottery. Kim Kardashian and her sisters, “Octomom,” the Gosselins, Paris Hilton… Shit, even “Perez Hilton” has attained a kind of celebrity status.

  36. I hear Ray J is her producer.

  37. look

    i really wish this talentless wh*re would go away.

  38. suck it

    Wow this sing is lame. Stick to the tabloid whoring.

  39. tally

    the fuck is wrong with this armenian. she plastic head to toe. too many black diq vitrolized this armenian

    • mcfeely smackup

      I agree completely.

      I’m agreeing with all the people who read the above post and said “I have no fucking idea what that meant”.

  40. anonym

    her only assets are her tits and ass.

    she’d better milk it, because no one will care about her in 5 years.
    and especially not when she’s 40 years old.

  41. nicole

    i bet everyone of you will be watching their next show! watch the ratings climb!

    • Brooke

      Proud to say I’ve never seen a Kardashian episode in my life. I don’t even know what channel it airs on.

  42. Alexandra

    Whats with all the “jokes” about cabal and rituals lately? Is that what you’ve been up to over the holiday break, writer?

  43. Karina

    Oh look its Armenian Barbie pretending to sing……how nice! Talent just pours out the ass….literally

  44. mcfeely smackup

    Kin just did an interview with Katie Couric and said she was proud of her playboy appearance, that it was about being independent and shedding her good girl image. Apparently the hardcore pornography wasn’t sufficient for that.

  45. Kim Kardashian
    Ram
    Commented on this photo:

    Su estatua de cera se ve mas natural que ella

  46. Anya

    this hairy botoxed freak really needs to drown in a tub of urine.

  47. The closest Kim Kardashian comes to making music is when she rips a wicked fart while sitting on a wooden chair.

  48. Kim Kardashian
    Miskita
    Commented on this photo:

    girl is HOOKED on dermal fillers & botox !!! WTF is going on with her FACE!? she looks so odd… just like her mother. yuck!

  49. friday jones

    Fish, you used “its” correctly in the post. *swoon* Want a blow job?

  50. Ms Urine on me

    Is this idiot rapping in Armenian?
    My farts sounds better.

Leave A Comment