‘So A Lot of You Have Seen My Vagina Recently. Pretty Cool, Right?’

“Thank you, LA House of Blues. You’re too beautiful tonight. As y’all might know my new album comes out tomorrow which is why you’ve seen a lot of my ‘Downtown Miley Brown’ area latey. Don’t worry, it’s all coordinated marketing and we even got a major news outlet to declare that shit perfectly legal. (Love ya, dad!) But I’m still the same Miley with an audience comprised exclusively of middle-school girls.

*simulates fellating a drummer*

I mean, I just want young girls to know it’s okay to be themselves and not conform to like whatever’s all the ‘norm’ for whatever situation they’re in.

*Frenches a chick dancer*

Life’s all about freedom, y’all.

*vagina diddle*

And being true to thine own self, 1st Jesusolonians 5:19.

*downward dogs a roadie*

So buy my new album ‘Can’t Be Tamed’ because America’s like your friend at the mall that you sometimes like until she keeps staring at your boyfriend so now you have to let him have sex without a condom tonight. (Bitch.) Alright, boys, hit it.

*squeezes boobs together*

My loneliness is killing me,
I must confess I still believe…”

Photos: Pacific Coast News, Splash News