‘Game of Thrones’ Isn’t On Tonight, But That’s Okay, This Is All You’ll Need Anymore

May 25th, 2014 // 17 Comments
Seth Rogen Snoop Dogg
WATCH: Snoop & Seth Rogen Recap 'Game of Thrones'

Thanks to the holiday weekend, Game of Thrones isn’t on tonight, but fortunately here’s Seth Rogen and Snoop Dogg high as shit recapping last week’s episode which I would easily watch 800 hours of every Sunday just to hear Snoop Dogg say, “Peeetah,” in a British accent. (Pro tip: It’ll seem like the video ends after a minute, but don’t bail because you’ll miss the riveting discussion on how almost every black dude on the show has no dick.) In the meantime, if you’re thinking to yourself, “Wait, this is the event Fish decided to interrupt his weekend to post about?” My response to you is, Wedding? What wedding? I don’t know what you’re talking about. *points* Holy shit, boobs! *ducks back into Memorial Day hole*

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  1. Nice of them to forget all about Salladhor Saan, the black pirate we just saw in a bathhouse with two whores—who he introduced to Ser Davos by poking each of them under the water with his waist from about a foot away. And then there’s Daenerys’ translator, Missandei. (There was also S̶a̶r̶a̶s̶o̶t̶a̶ ̶D̶u̶c̶k̶ ̶S̶a̶u̶c̶e̶ Xaro Xhoan Daxos, but he’s presumably dead now.) And I’m pretty sure the Unsullied are merely castrated; it’s Varys who’s completely dickless (but only in the literal sense, not the figurative).

    But, yeah, not a lot of black people on Game of Thrones. Unless George R. R. Martin includes the Summer Isles in the upcoming books. Maybe we’ll see their fertility goddess—the one with 16 teats. (Holy crap, GoT gets me nerdy.)

    • LOL, Sarasota Duck Sauce. Yes, I’m drunk right now.

      The Unsullied are only castrated – which I call bullshit on. Since they’re supposedly gelded as children there’s no way they could attain the musculoskeletal development needed to become warriors – that could only be derived from increased testosterone gotten during puberty. Yet Varys, who really is dickless, has all the effeminate or androgynous eunuch features and body development that would fit with being docked pre-puberty – but he somehow doesn’t have the higher, fluty voice that would be part of those characteristics. George R.R. is more than a little confused about how the male endocrine system works – or doesn’t.

      • The good thing about pure fantasy fiction is you can always say, “That’s how it is in the world we live in. But in the fictional world of A Song of Ice and Fire, certain things can be a little bit different.” It’s a flimsy fig leaf, but I’ll hold on to it.

      • Oh, balls to that. (Sorry.) I have no problem with White Walkers, dragons, and 11 year summer or whatever the fuck, but if you’re going to depend on castration to explain why Varys is how he is, you can’t just turn around and break the rules regarding the Unsullied and go, “Well, it’s a fantasy.” Good fantasy, like good sci fi, depends on basic continuity regarding the ground rules – you can’t just go applying one set of circumstances willy-nilly (sorry) to one person and then change them when it comes to someone else. It’s not a flimsy fig leaf, it’s a piss-poor excuse for sloppy writing.

      • First of all, as to the principles of human development, let me add that we’re talking about a world where there are also vaginally birthed smoke assassins (who apparently disappear once their mission is accomplished), human-to-animal telekinetics, a genetic(?) imperviousness to heat and fire, and apparently a virgin whose cocksmanship is so expert on his first sexual experience that an entire bevy of whores refuses payment out of gratitude. None of those things jibes with human development as we know it.

        But as to your argument that there’s a contradiction between the Unsullied’s development and Varys’s—when did they establish that Varys is how he is because of his mutilation? Maybe Varys is flabby and effeminate because he’s flabby and effeminate. Maybe it was something else that sorcerer did. Maybe there’s something to the Unsullied’s rigorous training that prevents Varys-like softness from setting in. Who knows.

        But back to Podrick—am I the only one who’s hoping Brienne gets down with him as they continue their quest? She deserves the best.

      • Again, I have no problem with any of those, because they’re basically one-offs, so there are no disconnects between them. There aren’t 15 types of vaginally delivered smoke-monsters, each being controlled by a different set of physical laws so there’s no reason behind them. Since the humans in this little fantasy still have human parts, you can’t have one batch become classic eunuchs when castrated, like Varys, and the other set of castrati completely fly in the face of known physical limitations. That’s shit storytelling – it’d be like Theon Greyjoy somehow being able to grow a new cock, but not Varys, and chalking that massive disparity up to “it’s fantasy”.

        “Who knows?”, you say? Uh, that’d be anyone who’s done rudimentary research into hormone imbalances – this really is well-known shit, trust me here. Once again, there’s nothing that any training, no matter how rigorous, could do to compensate for a lack of testosterone due to castration. You can’t fucking “rigorously train”, because that lack of bone density translates to osteoporosis, so good luck “training” with a body full of stress fractures. Not. Going. To. Happen. It’s like saying that rigorous training in bearing down and controlled breathing will eventually overcome physical limitations and let a man conceive and deliver a child. You can train all you like, but that ain’t gonna happen, either.

        Varys is addressed as “eunuch” quite a lot, and in the book has the typical hallmarks of the “third sex” – namely a loss of muscle tissue in exchange for fat, a specific pattern distribution re that fat, hairlessness, lack of libido, etc. Positing that he’s flabby and effeminate just because he might be that anyway, and ignoring the symptoms of what is essentially hypogonadism is a major fucking reach. C’mon – I’d as sooner believe that virgin John Snow is the King of Cunnilingus right out of the box (sorry) than Varys would have looked like he does, regardless of being gelded.

        Podrick is a nice guy, but I really hope Brienne ends up taking Jaime away from Cersei, not least because it would make her absolutely cross-eyed with rage.

  2. malaka

    …but they have been forced to train since they were slave children.
    puberty or not.. that’s gonna lead to some formidable eunuchs.
    i think this is great. seth and snoop should do this every week.

    • No, it won’t. They could “train” them until the cows come home, but without testosterone they’d be physically incapable of developing the necessary bone density, muscle mass, or even the energy to fight properly. If you think a tall, willowy (hormones stop long-bone growth), osteoporotic army with high-pitched voices, breasts and pudgy hips is “formidable”, your standards really need revising.

      • Jenn

        Obviously you’ve never pissed off a librarian(described most I’ve ever seen) and those bitches know ALL the words.

      • I have a thought to add to this: who gives a flying fuck?

      • I think I speak for everyone here when I say, whatever could we have been thinking of, discussing one of the main topics of the post, instead of paying a lot more attention to you? Perhaps you could ask Mummy could pay us in future to be more attentive – that sound like a plan?

  3. Brian

    GOT isn’t being preempted because it’s a holiday weekend, it’s because HBO is premiering “The Normal Heart”. Don’t know that I’m down to watch that; between Dallas Buyers Club and finally getting around to watching Angels in America, I’m a little AIDS’d out.

    • It’s both. HBO has taken in recent years to pre-empting new series episodes on certain holiday weekends (Memorial Day and Labor Day, especially) when regular viewership would be down. But Sunday nights are still too prime to waste on reruns or old movies, so it’s often when they slot one of their own movies instead. It was Memorial Day weekend last year when HBO premiered Beyond the Candelabra.

  4. A Sunday post?! Thank you Fish!

  5. “My response to you is, Wedding? What wedding? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

    What now? Do I interpret this cryptic remark correctly? Are congratulations and extravagant gifts in order? If I call the Lego Stores of Pennsylvania, will I find one which was forced to create a wedding registry?

  6. Linda

    Holy Crap, I never realized the versatility of Snoop Dog. That was impressive. I’d love to see him actually perform in a completely different character. However, both of these guys gotta hit the gym before they get onto any Game of Thrones shit, there are enough out of shape guys on that show. They keep killing off and/or mutilating the eye candy. Men aren’t the only ones who like to see something pretty on their shows!

  7. Petah Petah

    That was the FUNNIEST THING EVER!!! I’d watch a Rogen-Snoop Dogg weekly GoT recap in a chocolate-covered second. Please, Lord of Light, make this happen!!

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