Snooki Wakes Up in Trash Cans

To promote her book, “A Shore Thing,” Snooki appeared on The Ellen DeGeneres show today (above), and the good people at Warner Bros. were kind enough to send me over an excerpt of their conversation. What follows is pretty much everything you’d expect from an alcoholic midget who somehow keeps being shoved in front of a TV camera instead of put down before some kid loses a finger. “Pickly pick? Snooki chomp!”:

Ellen: Now, when you say if you didn’t black out it’s a good night for you, are you serious?
Snooki: Yes, because I want to remember my night and sometimes I just don’t. It sucks. So you’re like, “What did I do? Why did I wake up in a garbage can?”
Ellen: How often does that happen? Laughing
Snooki: Oh, like once a month.
Ellen: A good way to remember the night is to just not drink at all. Just throwing that out there.
Snooki: That’s not fun.
Ellen: So you had fun New Year’s. You’ve been so busy lately, right?
Snooki: So busy. The book is out today.
Ellen: Yeah, and I read some passages from it. It’s racy.
Snooki: Yeah, it’s a little vulgar. I actually toned it down because I know I have a lot of young fans who are like, 13, so I took a lot of swear words out. I don’t want to get them grounded or anything.
Ellen: But the blacking out thing isn’t a good example either.
Snooki: Well, I don’t want to be a role model.
Ellen: Oh, I see. That’s a good disclaimer.

Look, I don’t want to jump on the bandwagon here and say that TV is rotting our brains and turning us into a nation of drooling idiots, but what exactly was I supposed to glean from that conversation other than we’ve made a walking garbage disposal a celebrity thus emboldening our enemies? Because clearly we’re beyond fighting back. They could send a boat full of their most feebled elderly, and we’d just sit there trying to figure out how the little pigman keeps getting into bars. “What’s that? Directions to the White House? After Oinky takes this shot. Hold on.”

Photos: Michael Rozman/Warner Bros., WireImage