Snooki Wakes Up in Trash Cans

January 5th, 2011 // 43 Comments

To promote her book, “A Shore Thing,” Snooki appeared on The Ellen DeGeneres show today (above), and the good people at Warner Bros. were kind enough to send me over an excerpt of their conversation. What follows is pretty much everything you’d expect from an alcoholic midget who somehow keeps being shoved in front of a TV camera instead of put down before some kid loses a finger. “Pickly pick? Snooki chomp!”:

Ellen: Now, when you say if you didn’t black out it’s a good night for you, are you serious?
Snooki: Yes, because I want to remember my night and sometimes I just don’t. It sucks. So you’re like, “What did I do? Why did I wake up in a garbage can?”
Ellen: How often does that happen? Laughing
Snooki: Oh, like once a month.
Ellen: A good way to remember the night is to just not drink at all. Just throwing that out there.
Snooki: That’s not fun.
Ellen: So you had fun New Year’s. You’ve been so busy lately, right?
Snooki: So busy. The book is out today.
Ellen: Yeah, and I read some passages from it. It’s racy.
Snooki: Yeah, it’s a little vulgar. I actually toned it down because I know I have a lot of young fans who are like, 13, so I took a lot of swear words out. I don’t want to get them grounded or anything.
Ellen: But the blacking out thing isn’t a good example either.
Snooki: Well, I don’t want to be a role model.
Ellen: Oh, I see. That’s a good disclaimer.

Look, I don’t want to jump on the bandwagon here and say that TV is rotting our brains and turning us into a nation of drooling idiots, but what exactly was I supposed to glean from that conversation other than we’ve made a walking garbage disposal a celebrity thus emboldening our enemies? Because clearly we’re beyond fighting back. They could send a boat full of their most feebled elderly, and we’d just sit there trying to figure out how the little pigman keeps getting into bars. “What’s that? Directions to the White House? After Oinky takes this shot. Hold on.”

Photos: Michael Rozman/Warner Bros., WireImage


  1. Happy Spillmore

    I always wondered what a Gamorrean Guard looked like without its helmet.

  2. Snooki
    Commented on this photo:

    self-taking-out trash….

  3. Hank

    Sorry, Fish, but it is the libtards like yourself who have brought us to this sad state of affairs. “Snooki” is a drunken tramp who should be treated like a filthy whore, not a celebrity. But “tolerant” and “open minded” liberals have destroyed our ability to make serious value judgments. When anything goes, you end up with the lowest of the lowest common denominator. F-U libtards for ruining this country.

    • Hank

      Frankly, once you have people like Ellen Degeneres hosting TV shows, you end up with people like Snooki as guests.

    • This is true, but the conservatards brought us Miley and Britney, so instead of blaming each other for the abominations you celebrate, you should come together and realize that you still have something very important in common…you’re all tards.

      • Blech

        Oh, horseshit!

        Hank, conservatives have no problem with Snooks on TV… because they have someone to look down upon.

        All sorts of folks, unfortunately, enjoy watching this piglet. So STFU.

        Oh, and Fish? “Pickly pick? Snooki chomp!”? It’s hilarious.

    • Brooke

      Hank, don’t you have some confederate flags you could be mending?

  4. JS4L

    OMG I

  5. There’s something about her and pickles that makes me want to read a Richard Scarry book.

  6. This makes me wanna retch.

  7. Pinkie Bling

    Where is her bump-it???

  8. Deacon Jones

    Isn’t having Snooki on the Ellen Degeneres show go against the very fabric of everything that dyke stands for?

  9. Rhialto

    Umm, that sounds quite fair.

  10. Nerd

    It looks so uncomfortable around a human female….that thing is simply not of this world.

  11. GravyLeg

    I guess she doesn’t realize all the 13 year old aspiring Jaeger trolls down in the trailer park can’t read.

  12. GravyLeg

    If she is waking up in trash cans, I think we can all assume that Oscar now has some wicked VD.

  13. MLVC

    I bet that her twat smells like a trash can.

  14. BanDit82Baby

    Take that ridiculous amount of money MTV paid you and sign up for some day classes @ Poughkipse Community College, by doing this you can stop using your face to euthanize strays down @the Vets office MTV picked you up from. And BTW, thanx MTV for killing the video star. Dicks. #REALITYTVKILLEDTV

  15. Mortimer Duke

    Uh Oh. Someone better tell Oscar the Grouch to get tested. Id start with a Hep and herp culture first.

  16. Lara


  17. Savalas

    I’m not surprised she winds up in a garbage can. There are many plausible explanations for that, not the least of which being the club’s clean-up crew doing what it’s paid to do. However, I’m a little miffed that she continues to manage to extract herself from the can.

    Take a hint, toots.

  18. Alternate title: Cum Dumpsters Snoooze In Some Dumpsters.

  19. INMATE 12236969

    Ok a question! Who the fuck is going to buy her book?
    Yeah like she wrote it?

    • Cock Dr

      People will buy it to give as a gag (insert fellatio joke here) present.
      It will make money. The publishing community wouldn’t bother with it otherwise.

  20. Snooki Ellen
    Commented on this photo:

    Is it just a coincidence that she happens to wake up in garbage cans, and that Oscar the Grouch has a penis that resembles a pickle? I think not. Tomorrow we shall all read of the death of the beloved muppet, bled to death after Snookie crunched his Vlasic, then eaten to death by the crabs she left behind.

  21. Snooki
    Commented on this photo:

    “has anyone seen my IUD?? Anyone? Where the f*ck did everyone go??”.

  22. Snooki Ellen
    Commented on this photo:

    She wakes up in trashcans because her dates are just taking out the garbage at the end of the night.

  23. Ed

    Does anyone believe she actually wrote this book?

  24. wim

    she is just curious about Licking & Being Licked.
    …..ellen knows all about it.

  25. Snooki
    Commented on this photo:

    Good grief.

  26. poopsmith

    this shit’s sad

  27. She’s doing the talk show rounds now promoting her ‘book’. Welcome to the fall of Western Civilization people, when idiots like Snooki and her ilk get attention for writing books and are on talk shows hosted by a lesbian bull dyke. Where music isn’t original, lyrics are nonexistent, and anyone can sound like a singer because of some technological gadget that can transform a frogs ribbet into a tenors song. Where our young generation have Facebook, porn, Perez the moron Hilton, and the morally devoid to look up to. Where education is NOT cool but becoming a teenage mother is. Where everyone wants to be a star but no one wants to work at it. Hell in a handbasket people …

  28. CG

    Think she can actually read? I doubt she has even read a book, any book, cover to cover.

    No one cares about you… No one

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