Jeff Miranda, the Iraq war vet who tried to be Snooki‘s boyfriend just to get on Jersey Shore, is now proposing to her on the cover of Cheap Famewhore Steppin’ Out magazine despite the fact she’s seen in these photos trying to bang some random dude over the weekend only to miraculously recognize her limits and start humping a support beam. RadarOnline reports:
“I want us to be together forever. I could see us having children. I want to pop the question to her. If we got married we would be the best parents around. She’s so loving and puts everyone else before her self. She’ll be a great mother.”
He admits that Snooki is going to be shocked by his magazine cover proposal, but he isn’t worried that she’ll say no. Once she deals with the shock I think they’ll say yes. I really do. In fact, I know she’ll say yes.”
I don’t know about you guys, but I’m actually rooting for these two to get together. Turns out Jeff really is the hopeless romantic type and is exactly the kind of man I want to see Snooki trapped in a domestic setting with:
According to the court document, Miranda “threatened to burn plaintiff’s house down while she slept, threatened to cut plaintiff’s brakes, defendant threatened plaintiff by stating ‘if you cheat on me or break up with me you have a hole dug for you already.’”
The order also states that Miranda choked and punched Hansen in the stomach, and over New Year’s 2009, pulled her by the hair and called her a slut, c*nt, wh*re, and b****.
Hansen says that when she tried to get her things from his house, Miranda grabbed her by her arms and held her down on the bed screaming “I love you, why are you doing this to me?”
The final straw came when Hansen says Miranda pulled a shotgun on her after she refused to have sex with him.
If there’s anyone more perfect for Snooki than a walking Mel Gibson sleeper cell with a fame hard-on, congratulations, you found a grizzly bear that thinks it found its lost cub. Now hold this cage open while I make a trail of picnic baskets so we can get this reunited bear family back to the park. Haha! That ranger’s gonna be pissed.
Photos: Splash News
Mike Hawk | August 30, 2010 at 11:21 am
gross
Mike Hawke | August 30, 2010 at 3:03 pm
if you’re gonna jack my handle you should at least spell it correctly
Mike Hawk | August 30, 2010 at 3:41 pm
uh, sorry…and you are?…
Ive been hanging @ the fish for 4 yrs or more, so youre the tag jacker, n0ob.
Mike Hawke | August 30, 2010 at 5:01 pm
riiight.
Gerald Tarrant | August 30, 2010 at 11:21 am
This is a long god damned 15 minutes.
once upon a time | August 30, 2010 at 6:03 pm
the orange ones get 22 minutes :-)
Rough@large | August 30, 2010 at 11:31 am
hahahaha… This guy great. He should lead a Million Frustrating Man March on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial…ID go
its me fuckers | August 30, 2010 at 11:38 am
I am all for women feeling good about themselves and women who aren’t built like models and I think their differences should be loved, embraced. I applauded the Dove commercials that showed real women. I love it when a woman is proud of who she is just the way she is. But DAMN. Snookie is a drunken, orange freak. She has done nothing to become ‘famous’. She is the black, hairy mole on the face of America. She is nasty but people just can’t seem to tear their eyes from her… they WANT to look away but they just have to keep staring at the mole with a repulsed look on their faces silently hoping it’ll just go away. (Please go away)
Sizzle | August 30, 2010 at 11:49 am
Agree. Nothing hotter than a NORMAL curvy, class woman.
Snookie is none of those things. Actually “thing” is the only word I would use to properly describe her.
SamJo | August 31, 2010 at 10:29 am
She’s a classic train wreck, plain and simple. And what the hells is up with her face in that pic! It’s bordering on concave!
Snooki's Taint | August 30, 2010 at 11:38 am
The three inch-long mound of flesh that IS Snooki’s Tain says ‘yes’.
Sizzle | August 30, 2010 at 11:41 am
Hilarious comments, Fish. I’m with you. Please, PLEASE Snookie, I’m begging you to marry this guy. Begging you.
Eric | August 30, 2010 at 11:49 am
i guess looking orange is the new cool thing
Exsisto | August 30, 2010 at 11:54 am
Orange is the new black.
sunshine | August 30, 2010 at 3:48 pm
Orange is the new black??!!~ that is the funniest thing I’ve heard in awhile. Kudos to you, Exsisto!
its me fuckers | August 30, 2010 at 5:30 pm
“orange is the new black”
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahha!!! THAT is a good one! Rofl!!
bitingontinfoil | August 31, 2010 at 1:27 am
OH…MY…GAWD! “Orange is the new black” *giggle*snort!*
Exsisto | August 30, 2010 at 11:54 am
I pray earnestly that in some near future a week will pass on The Superficial where there will be not one mention of the following (in this order):
Tila Tequila
Snookie
Lindsay Lohan
Paris Hilton
Brittney Spears
And I also pray that in that same future Christina Hendricks is photographed sunbathing nude on some beach in Belize. Amen.
TigOleBitties | August 30, 2010 at 1:14 pm
Speaking of which, why is it that “celebrities” that get caught topless are always of the itty bitty titty kind? They never catch the ones with giant mommy sacks flaunting their jubblies. Must be a chicks with small tits screaming for attention thing.
Carolyn | August 30, 2010 at 12:00 pm
Good god but she’s ugly. What a creepy little mouth.
Brooke | August 30, 2010 at 3:23 pm
Ugh… I couldn’t agree with you more! Her mouth is so disgusting, especially in those shots of her on the bumper cars. Where are her top teeth?!
chelsea | August 30, 2010 at 12:07 pm
god please no, please make her infertile. that DOES not need to have kids. we have enough stupid bimbos in this world as it is!
Rhialto | August 30, 2010 at 12:08 pm
She doesn’t look bad in the first pic.But… it’s only the first pic..
oliver laurel | August 30, 2010 at 12:09 pm
She better get married because her personality in a middle aged body will be intolorable.
? | August 30, 2010 at 12:11 pm
She looks like a fucking turtle.
bitingontinfoil | August 31, 2010 at 1:25 am
LMFAO! – an “old” turtle
dudeatdudedotdude | August 30, 2010 at 12:25 pm
um that’s a scary court document. hard to see it ending well. wonder if he went to iraq for the violence or if iraq made him that way
why... | August 30, 2010 at 12:50 pm
couldn’t she be one of the chile miners trapped? I wouldn’t touch this thing w/vinnies dick and retard ron pushin’…this thing is as fake as j-wowws oddly spaced tits….
plain disgusting to say the VERY least…
PS you are NOT Itailan filthy pig stopp saying you are!!!
yawn | August 30, 2010 at 1:48 pm
nothing wrong with this girl.. she’s going out having fun and getting paid..
duke chute | August 30, 2010 at 3:11 pm
You are part of the problem.
Internet | August 30, 2010 at 1:56 pm
She has the SAME EXACT talents as my girlfriend.
Pseudopodia | August 30, 2010 at 1:57 pm
Snookie shouldn’t say anything.
Turd Ferguson | August 30, 2010 at 2:06 pm
Seriously, who would marry this worthless fat fuck after knowing her for 3 weeks?
What a joke.
Ugh... | August 30, 2010 at 2:54 pm
Look at her face in the banner pic; she looks like an greased up granny! Her face is SO fugly. Go ahead & marry the troll, dude; just watch yourself when you go over bridges…
dudeatdudedotdude | August 30, 2010 at 3:11 pm
lol
Kevin | August 30, 2010 at 3:09 pm
This chick is a beast and if she looks this bad now can you imagine what she’ll look like in 5-10 years? As a country we should all be ashamed of ourselves for allowing these people to become popular enough to make a good living by being on TV as they get drunk and fall all over the place.
RantingOne | August 30, 2010 at 4:05 pm
JESUS, can we please stop posting articles on this bloated, VD-carrying, dego, wop bitch? Jesus, she looks like such a fucking PIG, I cannot fathom how in the hell she’s even famous? I wouldn’t even put my fingers in that fat, horrid pussy, much less my cock. GOD, just listening to her speak is like nails on a chalkboard……
Snookie needs to fall into a woodchipper…….can someone please make THAT a reality TV show?……just 1 episode, then we’re done. Hell, even pay-per-view….
agirl | August 30, 2010 at 4:38 pm
Fat and Ugly (unsure on what should come first between both)
Mel Gibson's Shrink | August 30, 2010 at 6:23 pm
I think you people should start a petition on returning this ugly whore to India or wherever it is she is from. I am sure the men there would like to teach her how a brown woman should behave.
balhaslkh | August 30, 2010 at 8:22 pm
i get so uncomfortable when i see her like i’m suffocating because she has no neck and looks like she can’t breathe!
The Onion | August 30, 2010 at 9:18 pm
SO the Rancor monster in Star Wars Does have a sister!
captain america | August 31, 2010 at 12:32 am
remeber this date.
THERE WILL BE A DIVORCE NEXT YEAR………
bitingontinfoil | August 31, 2010 at 1:24 am
Why does she always look like she forgot her teeth in a glass beside her bed?
theapricot | August 31, 2010 at 1:54 am
how did this ugly bitch get famous? i work my ass off every day to scrimp and save for things i need, and this abominable mirror breaker is treated to the high life for doing nothing other than being the whore she is
LACoolKid | August 31, 2010 at 11:07 am
Listen, no one actually likes Snooki for being a mini orange and bouffant freak. You like what she represents. You like her for the shock value and what idocracy she is capable of next. Hell, people liked Carrot Top at one point or another. You don’t read articles stating Snooki is a Mensa candidate or a Rhodes scolar because those people are boring and lame. This is America and you get ahead in this world by spray tanning, plastic surgery and talking out of your ass. I don’t know why anyone has a problem with the little guidettelf, she’s giving you what you’ve asked for. If you weren’t interested in her, you would not have read this blog, commented on it and clicked on applicable links. Everyone wants to know what shes going to do next. So quit playing, you know you TEVO’d the season…just like me.
grobpilot | August 31, 2010 at 12:11 pm
Looks like she’s been rolling around in an industrial-sized bag of Cheetos.