Even though we now know Snooki isn’t pregnant and can stop bracing for the apocalypse, I felt it was important to point out that at least four different dudes could’ve potentially been the father, so just call me Captain Obvious. Hollywood Life reports:
Snooki’s ex-boyfriend Emilio Masella tells HollywoodLife.com exclusively that if Snooki is in fact pregnant, either he, Jionni, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino or Vinny Guadagnino could be the father.
“The real question is if Jionni is the father or me,” Emilio, 23, tells us. “Do you think she has only slept with one person the past year? I would have a chance that I can be the father.”
But there are other men who could also be Snooki’s baby daddy. “I would get a paternity test to get see who the father is,” Emilio suggests to Snooki. “I would donate my DNA test to see. I can be the father, Vinny, Jionni or Mike. There are a lot of suspects with her. She’s good at lying and can get away with anything with Jionni.”
Emilio reveals that he slept with Snooki as recently as five months ago. “I text her all the time,” he admits. “I don’t know if he [Jionni] sees it.”
Of course, the real miracle is that it’s only four potential sperm donors considering the next quote makes me wonder if the whole state of New Jersey will fit on Maury:
“She’s not anywhere ready to be mom, [but] she doesn’t like to use a condom,” says Emilio. “If you can’t stay with one guy, how are you ready to be a mother? It would die of secondhand smoke. She needs to stop smoking and quit drinking.”
I was about to say Snooki’s uterus probably can’t sustain life at this point, but if my travels across America have taught me anything, it’s that there’s nothing more fertile than a binge drinking smoker who eats 12 unprotected cocks for breakfast. So just assume evolution’s preparing future generations to breathe a rich atmosphere of vodka, semen and tar which is what those punks get for walking on my lawn. Who’s laughing now?!