At Least Four Dudes Could’ve Been The Father of Snooki’s Baby

February 1st, 2012 // 49 Comments
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Even though we now know Snooki isn’t pregnant and can stop bracing for the apocalypse, I felt it was important to point out that at least four different dudes could’ve potentially been the father, so just call me Captain Obvious. Hollywood Life reports:

Snooki’s ex-boyfriend Emilio Masella tells HollywoodLife.com exclusively that if Snooki is in fact pregnant, either he, Jionni, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino or Vinny Guadagnino could be the father.
“The real question is if Jionni is the father or me,” Emilio, 23, tells us. “Do you think she has only slept with one person the past year? I would have a chance that I can be the father.” But there are other men who could also be Snooki’s baby daddy. “I would get a paternity test to get see who the father is,” Emilio suggests to Snooki. “I would donate my DNA test to see. I can be the father, Vinny, Jionni or Mike. There are a lot of suspects with her. She’s good at lying and can get away with anything with Jionni.”
Emilio reveals that he slept with Snooki as recently as five months ago. “I text her all the time,” he admits. “I don’t know if he [Jionni] sees it.”

Of course, the real miracle is that it’s only four potential sperm donors considering the next quote makes me wonder if the whole state of New Jersey will fit on Maury:

She’s not anywhere ready to be mom, [but] she doesn’t like to use a condom,” says Emilio. “If you can’t stay with one guy, how are you ready to be a mother? It would die of secondhand smoke. She needs to stop smoking and quit drinking.”

I was about to say Snooki’s uterus probably can’t sustain life at this point, but if my travels across America have taught me anything, it’s that there’s nothing more fertile than a binge drinking smoker who eats 12 unprotected cocks for breakfast. So just assume evolution’s preparing future generations to breathe a rich atmosphere of vodka, semen and tar which is what those punks get for walking on my lawn. Who’s laughing now?!

Photos: Fame, INFdaily

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  1. Cher X

    Remember how everyone said she looked much prettier and softer without make-up? Yeah….she couldn’t take the hint.

  2. Cock Dr

    Any male animals she’s been around should also be considered possible father candidates.
    Are there any canines in that cursed MTV house? Start the DNA testing right there.

    • JC

      At this point, I’m sure you can get pregnant (and/or syphilis) from sitting on or standing near any of the furniture in that house.

  3. Johnny P!

    Look, at this point bangin’ Snookie must feel like kicking a hotdog down an interstate highway. 4 guys?!? She could probably get pregnant by osmosis just by walking by a used condom on the sidewalk. Oh well, I’m sure a “Reality Show” is coming from this…

  4. Mando

    Next thing you know she will join the Real Housewives. We are stuck with her people.

    • Zean

      Not me, I don’t even watch that show. I only go to this site to comment on the ugliest. I did see them all sitting in a hot tub on some awards show, and, thought, that is the ugliest bunch of people that I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

  5. Two knocked-up Snooki posts in one day – this IS the apocalypse.

  6. Tom

    SHIT IT SPAWNED !

  7. I guess the Vlasic stork will resume his regular scheduled pickle delivery to her house.

  8. it had to be said

    There cannot be a worse day in a guy’s life than the day he gets identified as a candidate to be the baby daddy of Snooki’s ewok.

    • Rapsutin's Evil Twin

      How about the day the DNA test proves he’s the dad? The shame and the horror of the news would be too great to bear.
      Unless it’s “The Situation”, who has even less or a sense of shame than she does. Though he probably wouldn’t be high-fiving everyone about it.

  9. Snooki Confessions Of A Guidette
    Commented on this photo:

    Her ex Emilio hasn’t banged her in 5 months, but thinks he might be the father of a newly discovered pregnancy? Is EVERYONE in Jersey a fucking retard?

  10. mrsmass

    does this genius ex-boyfriend realize that it doesn’t matter who she’s slept with in the past year, but who she’s slept with in the past few months?

    • @mrsmass: I tried to reply to your incisive observation earlier this afternoon, but I was too busy weeping for the Republic. I’m still weeping now, but that could be the four scotches.

  11. phffft...

    Got to love her ‘fans’ in the background. Classy, each and every one.

  12. “I would have a chance that I can be the father”? “I would get a paternity test to get see who the father is”? “She’s not anywhere ready to be mom”? I thought they spoke English in New Jersey, but evidently I’m not anywhere fluent in whatever language this is.

    • Petra

      Is anyone, anywhere, including New Jersey, ready to be a mom? No one is every ready, if all woman and/or men waited till they were ready there would be no children.

      • CranAppleSnapple

        Eyyyyyeroll. Thanks for that, Petra. Very helpful.
        Don’t be concerned about the human race dying out from underpopulation. The dumber they are, the faster they breed, so the place will always be crammed with mouth-breathing, shoeless cheetolings at the very least.

  13. SmelliMelli

    Oh, good! Maybe Kim Kardashian could adopt it and then chronicle all of that with cameras. Just think of all the spin-offs they could get with that one – the birth, the actual adoption day, the baptism, the 1st birthday, first day of school…! If you ask me, they didn’t milk that Mason kid enough.

  14. cchristie

    this trashy whore is from new york

  15. Poop head

    sterilize her before she strikes again!

    again i say: STERILIZE HER BEFORE SHE STRIKES AGAIN!

  16. Evil Dick Tater

    Pregnant? It’s so tragic when Bukkake goes wrong.

  17. The four guys? Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death.

  18. cc

    By four guys do you mean the child has a mix of chromosomes from 4 different men and hers? It wouldn’t surprise me…could come out looking a bit peculiar though.

  19. So she’s not pregnant after all? Rats. I really wanted to float the theory that Xander Berkeley might be the father.

  20. She would have birthed a giant circus peanut.

  21. ahoya

    “could’ve”? did she have it aborted?

  22. Dan

    I think the key words here are *at least* four.

  23. Buddy the Elf

    That’s FOUR beer-goggling, desperate, mutherfuckers by my count.

  24. Snooki Confessions Of A Guidette
    The Brown Streak
    Commented on this photo:

    AAAAAAAAAAL!

  25. Zean

    Well, at least she has an envious, by some, sex life.

  26. bassackward

    My only hope is that MTV doesn’t try to make this yet another useless TV show…. but they probably will! I can see it now…. Snooki… *cocked, knocked, and ready to party*

  27. forrest gump

    so never show her face again on this site!!

  28. Rock on

    Big deal. My ex boyfriend could have been a father to babies by like 300 different women. Let’s talk about who the real whores are —> men

    • Reece

      I agree. 4 guys in a year is 1 guy every 90days…considering they seem to be going out every other night to a club and the guys seem to bring a different girl home each time, thats nothing. I wouldn’t even take comments given by anyone associated with the “Jersey Shore” cast seriously. For grown ass ppl they talk about ‘cuddling’ and ‘smooshing’ way too much. They need to use their grown up words…

      • Inmate 12236969

        Women are whores too cheat just as much it’s just they’re better at it and don’t get caught like guys do. Women are just selective on who they fuck because they get offered dick a hundreds times a day. When we guys are offered pussy we’ll fuck it.

        Just ask my clap doctor!

  29. pat

    that little slut

  30. SFRowGuy

    Any four? It usually only takes one. (One of the four wasn’t me, I PROMISE.)

  31. joho

    Snooki ISN’T on birth control? ?Now THAT’S reckless.

    Which of the last two dozen strangers she met could be the father?

    The world wants to know.

  32. Reality Check

    Her flower must smell bad because she has different sperm in her flower and my friend was loose like Snooky and the bathroom always smelled like rotten fish after she did number one. Any chick that has more than one sperm in her flower will smell bad. I guess the guys don’t notice because they don’t give oral. I’m just saying….

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