Snooki Gives Birth To Baby Without Gills, ‘Did Not See That One Coming,’ Says Medical Science

August 27th, 2012 // 52 Comments
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If you’re wondering why a loud trumpet blast followed by the seas turning to blood woke you up yesterday morning, Snooki actually gave birth to a real, live baby boy that I haven’t heard is deformed yet, so for those of you who guessed, “Stillborn but capable of emitting vaporized gonorrhea,” I was right there with you. Never forget. MTV News reports (of course):

Snooki and her fiancé, Jionni LaValle, welcomed their baby boy into the world a little before 3 a.m. Sunday morning (August 26) at Saint Barnabas Medical Center in Livingston, New Jersey.
Early this morning, the new mommy took to Twitter to gush over her little one, writing, “I am SO IN LOVE with my son Lorenzo Dominic ! I had my little man last night, healthy at 6lbs! HE’S MY WORLD! ❤”

Just in case no one else was paying attention, the world lost Neil Armstrong this weekend and in return we got dealt the Son of Snooki. I’m not a superstitious man, but we’re all going to die in an AIDS tornado. There’s no other way to interpret that.

Photos: Pacific Coast News

superficial

  1. Yikes! Oh God, Fish, I hadn’t really grasped the true depths of this tragedy until you mentioned Neil Armstrong!! (weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth)

  2. Snooki Gave Birth Huge Pregant Belly Legs Dress Sunglasses
    rican
    Commented on this photo:

    It would be nice if you showed a pre pregnancy photo.

  3. They named the child Lorenzo, and intend to call him “Enzo”.

    Enzo Ferrari is rolling over in his grave.

  4. Get Serious

    Every time a snooki gives birth, an angel loses its wings and is cast into the fiery furnace of hell…

  5. And lo, the end times are upon us.

  6. I’m sure the child fell out of her vagina, along with a few watches, rings, and other men’s personal items.

  7. BigDaddy

    Who gives a fuck.

  8. O.o

    you know how they say everytime somebody dies, a persons born…
    We had to say goodbye to neil and we got this thing in exchange…
    made me rage when i thought about it.

    • NEIL ARMSTRONG: Am I in Heaven?
      GOD: Yeah, but you’re not staying. You’re going back.
      ARMSTRONG: But— why—
      GOD: You got divorced. And then remarried. There are rules.
      ARMSTRONG: So…reincarnation?
      GOD: Yeah, but I know you’re up for a challenge. Ready to take another giant leap for mankind?

      DOCTOR: Congratulations, Snooki, it’s a boy!

      • NEIL ARMSTRONG: What the…? God, what are the penalties if I commit suicide by swallowing my baby blanket? God? God?
        Aw, fuck it, even an eternity in Hell is better than this!
        *gulp* *bwalfk* *gulp* *gulp*

    • If every time a person dies, another is born, wouldn’t the population of the earth stay just about level?

  9. JC

    C’mon, people, just because he has Snooki as a mother doesn’t mean little Lorenzo won’t achieve as much as Neil….

    Yeah, I can’t even type that. He’ll be in juvie for beating his junior high girlfriend by age 13. Then, when he’s 22, he’ll be jailed for beating a different girlfriend, who just by coincidence will be 13.

  10. Drsuess

    Fetus alcohol syndrome..the little bastard will have a higher IQ .than the two of them combined..

    • SNOOKI: “That is just sooo not true. For your beeswax, my IQ is 81 and the best you can get is 100. Jionni’s is 57. Added together that comes to…well, more than 100, which is totally impossible. *BURPPP* I want another beer…You?”

  11. elephantman

    Sad time for all!

  12. If there were a God and if He had a sense of humor, the kid would end up solving cold fusion.

  13. Kodos

    I wonder if the attending doctor had to wear a hazmat suit when peering into that pit of Hell betwixt her cheesy thighs.

    Eh, she probably just hiked up an ass cheek and shat out the whelp the same way she does after a night of cheap vodka and White Castle, mixed with the disgestive upset brought on by her Valtrex regimen.

  14. 3.00AM – Born
    3.15AM – Snooki slaps a No Fear sticker onto son’s back
    4.10AM – Child is released into the wild to begin a career stealing chrome 20′s from Escalades

  15. Snooki Gave Birth Huge Pregant Belly Legs Dress Sunglasses
    mrsmass
    Commented on this photo:

    why am i surprised this chick shops at Mandee? i didn’t realize they had a line of maternity clothes.

  16. Mandope

    take notes Octomom. oh and congratulations Snook

    • Take notes? Congratulations? On what? Having a bastard child? On drinking and falling down repeatedly? On being arrested for public intoxication? On being barely literate? On having sex with dozens if not hundreds of men? On having absolutely no self control?

      This child of an unwed mother is doomed. Snooki has no discernible skills past the ones I mentioned above. The only thing she can do is put her ill conceived lifestyle on public display for ridicule and money. Now this poor kid is going to be dragged into this lifestyle and become part of the “show” that is Snooki’s life. It seems that her “fiance” does not have the reality TV chops necessary to be a trash TV star, so this poor kid will be dragged into his mothers world.

      Like I said, the kid doesn’t stand a chance.

      • Prof.Widow

        It’s 2012 and you’re bitching about her being unwed? A bastard child? This kid will know who his father is (sadly, in this case.) These days, again, it’s 2012, he’s hardly considered a bastard child. Again…2012, not 1950.

      • I was about to say the same thing. I was looking at the calendar on my computer to see if it was August 26, 1950.

      • Enidaj

        Self righteous much?

      • waaaa

        do you have your period or something?

      • Mandope

        We don’t get the parents we want… we get the ones we are delt! My mom was a young nobody and i turned out well. I’m just glad the kid is healthy.

      • Hey, Mumra…I totally understand your concerns. However, you’re a bit over-emotional on the subject. Get some sleep and we’ll all see you at the barn-raising tomorrow. Don’t forget the lemonade.

  17. venom

    Neil Armstrong died and her kid cart wheeled out. If ever there was a time to hope reincarnation isn’t real, now would be the time.

  18. Rapsutin's Evil Twin

    “An AIDS tornado” will kill us all.

    Fish, we’re all going to hate it when you’re proven right. In the meantime, everyone into the bar. Even I’m scared now.

  19. MILF

    Can’t wait to watch her mix formula with Red Bull.

  20. For some reason, I can’t stand the term “little man”. This grotesque beef on the hoof had a baby – to be more precise, a bastard kid. As far as being a little man, given the height of his father and mother, at the age of 18, when he actually becomes a man, he will no doubt be about 5′ 5″.

  21. Mateo

    This kid is pretty much doomed to be a douche…right?

  22. Randy Poundersnooge

    Poor bastard. Lorenzo Dominic is already on more dead pool lists than Lindsay Lohan.

  23. Schmidtler

    Maybe it will all end well, with Snooki forgetting the baby on top of her car and driving onto the freeway.

  24. YEs

    Time flies near the apocalypse

  25. fuckityfuck

    techinically the kid could be considered an astronaut already on account of his “deep space exploration” while lodged in her crotch cavity

  26. Snooki Gave Birth Huge Pregant Belly Legs Dress Sunglasses
    Commented on this photo:

    Instead of slapping the baby to wake him up, the doctor slapped Snooki just cause she’s a cunt.

  27. McClownerton

    I think I hear the theme from Rosemary’s Baby

  28. MSG

    Only 6lbs??? From the looks of this picture, that baby should have *at least* been on the heavier side of normal–she appears to have room for at least 9lbs of baby beef in there.

  29. Snooki Gave Birth Huge Pregant Belly Legs Dress Sunglasses
    bearandbu
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m no doctor, but I don’t think she should be out walking so soon after giving birth.

  30. jasper

    MTV also announced today that Jersey Shore will now be called Eraserhead: The Series.

  31. Snooki Gave Birth Huge Pregant Belly Legs Dress Sunglasses
    post your pic
    Commented on this photo:

    wonder if she had panties on?

  32. Snooki Gave Birth Huge Pregant Belly Legs Dress Sunglasses
    Sir MixACock
    Commented on this photo:

    How old is Cher now? And which fine doctor is responsible for this miraculous IVF?

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