Snooki Gives Birth To Baby Without Gills, ‘Did Not See That One Coming,’ Says Medical Science

If you’re wondering why a loud trumpet blast followed by the seas turning to blood woke you up yesterday morning, Snooki actually gave birth to a real, live baby boy that I haven’t heard is deformed yet, so for those of you who guessed, “Stillborn but capable of emitting vaporized gonorrhea,” I was right there with you. Never forget. MTV News reports (of course):

Snooki and her fiancé, Jionni LaValle, welcomed their baby boy into the world a little before 3 a.m. Sunday morning (August 26) at Saint Barnabas Medical Center in Livingston, New Jersey.
Early this morning, the new mommy took to Twitter to gush over her little one, writing, “I am SO IN LOVE with my son Lorenzo Dominic ! I had my little man last night, healthy at 6lbs! HE’S MY WORLD! ❤”

Just in case no one else was paying attention, the world lost Neil Armstrong this weekend and in return we got dealt the Son of Snooki. I’m not a superstitious man, but we’re all going to die in an AIDS tornado. There’s no other way to interpret that.

Photos: Pacific Coast News