Snooki’s Having A Boy

May 23rd, 2012 // 44 Comments
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Because soon people will realize they’ve been hypnotized into staring at the warthog from The Lion King get the clap and stop watching, Snooki is selling every last detail of her pregnancy to anyone with a checkbook and/or pack of Slim Jims. So here she is exclusively revealing to In Touch that she’s having a boy and also making a permanent record for that poor little bastard to find and discover his whore of a mother really wanted a girl. I’m not an emotional man, but God, do I weep for this kid:

Snooki tells In Touch that she and Jionni are deciding between two names – Lorenzo or Jionni Jr. And while she’s thrilled to welcome a son, the 24-year-old admits she was hoping for a mini-me. “I thought it was going to be a girl. I was hoping it would be, because all girls want girls,” Snooki says, at first disappointed, but adding, “It’s still my baby, no matter what. I’m excited either way!”

Of course, with this news at her disposal, you’d just assume Snooki would jump at another opportunity to have two men inside of her at once, except it turns out she’s the only pregnant woman alive who doesn’t get more horny the further along she gets:

While some women find their sex drive enhanced during pregnancy, you won’t find Snooki and Jionni anywhere near the smush room! “Our sex life is hardly there! I just feel too icky and gross,” Snooki confides. “I’m so not in the mood to do stuff.”

Wow, this Jionni guy really hit the jackpot. Not only is he now legally obligated to interact with Snooki for the next 18 years, he gets her after she stops putting out at the drop of a pickle and moved out of the Jersey Shore house so gold coins won’t pop out of her head anymore when he actually does get to bang her. Which, for the record, is the only theory I have as to why anyone would ever want to do that in the first place. Oh, no, wait, I also wrote down alcohol poisoning. They’ll do her if they’re alcohol poisoned. My bad.

Photo: INFdaily, WENN

Photo: INFdaily, WENN

superficial

  1. Stupid

    What an ugly little moppet.

  2. vic

    You’re killing me here. What’s today? Shrivel dick Wednesday? What was yesterday with the hot chicks, Dick Tease Tuesday? What’s tomorrow? Dick Thirsty Thursday?

  3. MD2020

    Jessica’s Wedding Day Details: How exactly does one get the finest Chili’s in the country to cater?

  4. Oscar

    I was still holding out hope that the whole Snooki pregnant thing was all an elaborate practical joke… god damn it.

  5. EricLr

    “‘I just feel too icky and gross,’ Snooki confides”

    Finally, we agree on something.

  6. Johnny P!

    I sure hope this pregnancy doesn’t ruin her beautiful figure.

  7. There’s no way of conclusively proving paternity when the poor kid’s blood is 75% spray tan.

  8. If its not tied down now you should do it soon, here in the next couple months she will develop her own gravitational pull.

  9. Boy, Girl… What I really need to know is what color is it’s fur…

  10. “Drop the Pickle” – wasn’t that a TLC song?

  11. Kate

    From geriatric fattards in weirdo bikini to snooki bombs… ok.

  12. Crabby Old Guy

    So, what, we have 22-months until the little tusker arrives? Can’t wait until “US” has all the pix of her and the little Oly tagging along hanging onto her tail.

  13. Joe M

    Man I’d hate to share the same genes as her. I feel bad for the kid.

  14. Snooki Having A Boy Jionni Lavalle
    Commented on this photo:

    I wonder how mad she is that as soon as she stopped being a mini whale, she got pregnant?
    On another note, that baby’s going to be ugly as hell.

  15. Jack Ketch

    It looks suspiciously like she’s had cheek implants done. Plastic surgery during pregnancy ?? What kind of mother would be “disappointed” that it’s a boy ? The intelligence level here just floors me.

  16. Every time I see her, I am thankful that somewhere 3 billy goats gruff are frolicking unmolested on a bridge…

  17. Red

    I’m exactly as far along in my pregnancy as Snooki – but I’m having a girl. I can’t stand this parade mess. I hope we don’t give birth on the same day. Oh god, I hope not. We’re the same age, too. Fuck me.

  18. damien

    snooki’s having a boy……the jokes write themselves

  19. El Jefe

    Christ, two morons giving birth to another moron. No wonder this country is going down the tubes. Two idiots like this should never be allowed to reproduce.

  20. Dick Smokehand

    “Wine in the delivery room?” WTF…

  21. Short FB!

    YOLO. Unless you choose abortion.

  22. The Royal Penis

    Can you really call it a boy when it’s creation was spurred by the mixing of hundreds of different sperm donors?

    Let’s err on the side of caution and call it a genetic experiment.

  23. dontkillthemessenger

    I always thought this was the case, but now I’m certain that Snooki will have a penis inside of her 24 hours a day.

  24. WTF??

    Why is this fugly looking alcoholic troll still newsworthy? She will be lucky if the baby is not born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

  25. Snooki Having A Boy Jionni Lavalle
    bazooka joe
    Commented on this photo:

    hopefully it eats its way out

  26. Snooki Having A Boy Jionni Lavalle
    Stewie Griffen
    Commented on this photo:

    I speak on behalf of intelligent people when I say who gives a shit what this pig is eventually going to shoot out her cooch!

  27. GeM

    It’s a shame that as a society we are not technologically advanced enough to perfect the self-select abortion wherein the child could view its parents from the womb and choose to end terminate the pregnancy of its own volition.

  28. Psycobiff

    Hey, I gave birth to Snooki’s baby twin!

    Then I wiped three times, it was a greasy one, and flushed.

  29. Snooki Having A Boy Jionni Lavalle
    Miss Moppet
    Commented on this photo:

    I bet you Justin Bieber is the father. Swaggy adults LOVE Ewoks.

  30. anonym

    FUCK.

    THE SADDEST PART is that she will get $1million for pictures of her baby.

    fuck the tabloids, fuck the media

  31. To be fair about her size, she IS eating for a litter….

  32. Snooki Having A Boy Jionni Lavalle
    devilsrain
    Commented on this photo:

    whats this guys height? 5’2?

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