Snooki’s Having A Boy
Because soon people will realize they’ve been hypnotized into staring at the warthog from The Lion King get the clap and stop watching, Snooki is selling every last detail of her pregnancy to anyone with a checkbook and/or pack of Slim Jims. So here she is exclusively revealing to In Touch that she’s having a boy and also making a permanent record for that poor little bastard to find and discover his whore of a mother really wanted a girl. I’m not an emotional man, but God, do I weep for this kid:
Snooki tells In Touch that she and Jionni are deciding between two names – Lorenzo or Jionni Jr. And while she’s thrilled to welcome a son, the 24-year-old admits she was hoping for a mini-me. “I thought it was going to be a girl. I was hoping it would be, because all girls want girls,” Snooki says, at first disappointed, but adding, “It’s still my baby, no matter what. I’m excited either way!”
Of course, with this news at her disposal, you’d just assume Snooki would jump at another opportunity to have two men inside of her at once, except it turns out she’s the only pregnant woman alive who doesn’t get more horny the further along she gets:
While some women find their sex drive enhanced during pregnancy, you won’t find Snooki and Jionni anywhere near the smush room! “Our sex life is hardly there! I just feel too icky and gross,” Snooki confides. “I’m so not in the mood to do stuff.”
Wow, this Jionni guy really hit the jackpot. Not only is he now legally obligated to interact with Snooki for the next 18 years, he gets her after she stops putting out at the drop of a pickle and moved out of the Jersey Shore house so gold coins won’t pop out of her head anymore when he actually does get to bang her. Which, for the record, is the only theory I have as to why anyone would ever want to do that in the first place. Oh, no, wait, I also wrote down alcohol poisoning. They’ll do her if they’re alcohol poisoned. My bad.