Sinead O’Connor is Really Horny

August 26th, 2011 // 141 Comments

“Why aren’t you a penis?! ARRRGGHHH!!”

Sinead O’Connor looks like this now, so keep that in mind as you read the personal ad she posted to her blog over the weekend that people are only just now catching onto because, honestly, we all thought she was dead. I posted the full text after the cut because it’s a pretty lengthy read, but for the sake of brevity, here’s the follow-up she wrote shortly afterward just to give you a taste of what you’re dealing with as well as ensure that “the difficult brown” gains a more prominent place in our national lexicon. We really don’t say it enough:

I’ve been repeatedly asked will I ‘do anal sex’. Let me make it very clear.. Any man I contemplate has to be into anal sex.. It was a family paper so they wudnt have printed it but let me now take time to make VERY clear that yes I ‘do anal’ and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if ‘doing anal’ wasn’t on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don’t like ‘the difficult brown’.. Don’t apply… I’ve had reasonable complaints from lesbians that they have been excluded. This was terribly remiss of me and I would now like to make it clear that women will also be very much considered. As will Brians and Nigels.. Since there were complaints there too.

And for those of you looking for hope in this topsy-turvy world, Sinead actually managed to find a taker:

Search called off for now. Suitable man found. Hands down winner. No competition.. Thank you again to the sunday indo..
That position has been filled by an extremely sweet, kind, very respectful, considerate but absolutely FILTHY minded, un-inhibited RUDE sex maniac named John. and no.. I don’t mean John Waters.

But then disaster struck:

Sadly the chosen winner of the quest for man has revealed pregnant girlfriend. Therefore the campaign is resumed for anyone who is interested in applying… U may do so at @ iamwonderful@me.com
Must have sweet heart and filthy mind.

To defend my fellow sex addict John here, if the whole point of this exercise is to prevent you from “humping your truck” due to sexual starvation, why are you letting morals muddy the waters here? So he’s got a pregnant girlfriend, is the umbilical cord blocking the entrance to your vagina, or difficult brown spot, if I’m using that right? Because this sounds suspiciously like a marriage trap to me. Promises of anal, then SHAZAM! You’re locked in an argument because Aunt Gladys is from the south and can’t possibly sit at the same table as your cousin and her mixed race baby, and while you’re at it, these colors blow. I’m tellin’ ya, that’s how they getcha. That’s how they getcha.

IS SINEAD ABOUT TO HUMP HER TRUCK?

The man who runs my site will protectively suggest I may want to visit the bathroom for a few intimate moments and a subsequent cold shower before deciding to post this on the site but I will of course ignore him as it’s too late now and the her-moans are having the best of me.

I recently read of a woman in America who married and regularly humps her truck. I don’t yet own a truck but I’m beginning to understand her head space. And am worried I too may be so desperate for sex that within days I might run up the road and hump Bray Cab’s whole fleet in one hour. Forty quid clear-up afterward. Can’t say fairer than that. Except maybe a photo for their web-site. Which would be fine.

My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners. I actually do know a woman who is a performance artist from America. I have a photo of her being escorted arm in arm by two uk police man onto a plane back home cuz she humped a yam in the middle of her show. I just know that’s going to happen to me if I don’t take drastic action.

Needless to say what I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun. and it’s VERY depressing.

So I’ve been pondering on whether or not I should join some Irish dating agencies. Of course if I did it would end up in papers so I may as well save myself the registration fees. Besides which a friend of mine uses dating agencies and half the men actually have wives.

Am in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man.

He must be no younger than 44.

Must be living in Ireland but I don’t care if he is from the planet Zog.

Must not be named Brian or Nigel.

Must be blind enough to think I’m gorgeous.

Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply.

Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies.

I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply.

No hair gel.

No hair dryer use.

No hair dye

Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me.

No after shave.

Must be very ‘snuggly’. Not just wham-bam.

Must be wham-bam.

Has to like his mother.

Has to like his ex and or mother/s of his children.

Has to live in own place.

I must end now as I have a hot date with a banana

Applicants can apply through my secretary at vampyahslayah@yahoo.com

Photo: Splash News

superficial

  1. Duke

    Women who look like Sinead have no other option but to take in the ass.

  2. The Difficult Brown.

    Leave it to Sinead O’Connor to take the joy out of butt sex in one fell swoop.

  3. DogBoy

    I heard UPS almost used
    “What can the difficult brown do for you?”
    as their slogan.

  4. Bob

    Did something just die in my mouth?…
    Yep, it was my soul.

  5. Cock Dr

    This is a goof. It’s gotta be. Someone hacked her account.
    I just don’t believe it. I’m calling BS.

  6. Funeral Guy

    I used to think she was a feminist cunt and a total lunatic, but I’m kinda digging her after this. She’s not hot, but she’s obviously game. Not to mention honest about what she wants. I hope she gets a good butt fucking out of her blog post.

  7. Artimus

    Nothing Compares 2 U (or your love of anal)

  8. Crabby Old Guy

    Thank goodness Frank Sinatra is long gone. If her tearing up the photo of the pope on SNL set him off, imagine what this would have done to him. Although, they’d at least have somewhat similar nicknames (her’s IS “Old Brown Eye” now isn’t it?)

    • TomFrank

      SINATRA: Issue #3: The bald chick, what’s with her head? Let’s start with the chick. What gives, cue ball? I’m looking at you, I’m thinking, “14 in the side pocket!”. . . All right, what about the chick’s head, Luther Campbell?

      CAMPBELL: To be honest, man, I don’t care about the head. I like the butt!

      SINATRA: I hear you, baby, loud and clear! Forget the head—put a bag over it and do your business!

  9. Mr Obvious

    She’s not a lesbian? Damn you gay-radar, you’ve fail again. Maybe getting rid of the Indigo Girls haircut would get her a man. Most guys would do almost anything with a pulse (sometimes without a pulse) but we’re turn off by butchy women. It’s like you’re doing a dude, and that’s just not cool.

  10. Jill

    “I tell you yams are looking like the winners” By ar the best line of her post. I don’t think fish had to write anything else, just put this as teh headline and done for the day. Especially funny because my sister and I frequently shop at the same grocery store and sometimes see each other there. We usually just start putting phallic shaped veggies in eachother’s grocery cart, or lobbing them across theproduce section at each other. Now I won’t be able to do this without thinking of Sinead O’Conners “difficult brown” which is kind of unfrotunate.

  11. seagalisgod

    Like the way that in a series of 14 pictures, she simply doesn’t notice (read: intentional) that her little sweater top has ridden up to her flappy teets.

  12. SSHGuru

    My dog saw this picture and barfed. Then ate the barf, looked up at the picture and barfed it back up.

  13. Dan

    I dunno… With all the fake this and fake that, someone who just wants sex and says it is kinda refreshing…

    Not pretty but doable – and more than likely less work than these skinny pretty bitches.

    And requests anal. So…

  14. Stucco

    Do you know why fat ugly chicks do anal? Because they have too.

  15. Parker

    Here’s a good example of why women are just crazy. How exactly is a guy supposed to know that ripping a picture of the pope in half means you want someone to butter your butt muffin? Wouldn’t it be a lot easier to just bend over and grab your ankles when you want your pooper douched? It’s too late for Sinead but not too late for you Megan Fox. Yes, I know what you’re really saying by having that Marilyn tattoo removed. You want it in your hot little ass, don’t you? Call me and bring some turkey too. I’ll let you make me a nice sandwach after we’re done.

  16. williamwallace

    i can see ms lohan writing a similar ad in a few years

  17. Doc Schweinstrudel

    That was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo gross

  18. Doc Schweinstrudel

    I mean all the anal sex talk . Fucking hell

  19. I totally would have banged Sinead O’Connor…twenty years ago. Of course, I’d have been in elementary school then, but still…

  20. ConnedRocket

    When did Roger Ebert grow his jaw back?

  21. What can “brown” do for you?

  22. Sinead O'Connor
    KC
    Commented on this photo:

    Why are there old pics of Roseanne doing stand up?

  23. Lamarr Latrell

    Standard challenge: Drink enough until this looks good !

  24. Sinead O'Connor
    Ish Ka-Bibble
    Commented on this photo:

    I can see her bellybutton.

  25. TomFrank

    “Legendary arse”? I don’t remember that. When did that happen?

    • KellyKelKel

      This whole screed is delusional as hell, so why wouldn’t she make up having a “legendary arse” as well?

  26. why doesn’t she just send jim carrey an open sex proposition video, i hear he wants it every day for the rest of his life

  27. Lamarr Latrell

    No even conjugal visit prison sex

  28. Cock Dr

    I so wanted to skull fuck her bald head in the 90′s. How many loads have I lost to her and the likes of others like Britney, Christina, Jessica in her dukes of hazord days only to have shit like this happen.

  29. Brian Nigel

    Wow, close call for me! Wait a minute . . . do what?

    p.s. – for a moment I thought the headline was supposed to be “Really Hungry” based on the picture

  30. Yep, nothing compares to you.

    • Frank Burns

      She’s changed the lyric to “Nothing compares to stew . . with buttered rolls, and chocklit pie afters! And then sodomy!”

  31. TSW

    I’ve got to hand it to Roseanne Barr – she’s aging really well.

  32. JP

    Oh my lord. What happened to her?

  33. dontkillthemessenger

    I didn’t even read the story. The picture was more than enough if the intent was projectile vomit.

  34. eskwire

    I bet if she wore a red wig, Jim Carrey would go anal on her all day & night.

  35. Sinead O'Connor
    Sweenis McFrecklenut
    Commented on this photo:

    Why does her belly button look like an anus ?

  36. Sinead O'Connor
    Commented on this photo:

    Oh dear Lord. What has happened to her? And wasn’t she married anyway?

  37. That Bastard Tony

    I agree with the Doc about her account having to be hacked. If it isn’t, she must have been drunk off her ass when she wrote this. I’m sure Hollywood agents would love to ban their clients from using Twitter, Facebook and from blogging for this reason right here.

    Why couldn’t this statement come from Carmen Electra… or Liz Phair… or even Ann Coulter. Hell, I would actually forgive her for all of the bullshit that has come out her mouth if she blogged something like this.

  38. zomgbie

    It’s been seven hours and fifteen days
    Since u took your yam away.
    oh-oh-oh-ohh.

  39. Do Freebird

    I thought that Chaz Bono was growing a beard.

  40. Matt

    I went down her list. I meet all the requirements to fuck Sinead O’Connor. In your face losers!!

  41. Jason

    Okay — not to simply be contrarian or anything but I think she’s pretty awesome for posting this and entirely rad for clearly being ready to follow through. I’d apply in a heartbeat if I weren’t already hitched and just a year or two shy of the required age.

    Still it’s adorable that so many of you folks are so “aghast” (or whatever the nonsense is that you’re peddling about wanting to hook up with a person who has clearly much more talent and drive that the lot of you), but I hardly think it factors in to anything of value. I haven’t followed this woman for ages, but she’s rocketed back up on my watch list for sure.

    Very cool, very honest and very real.

    Right on Sinead.

    • KellyKelKel

      If you call being bat shit crazy “very cool, very honest, and very real”, then year, Sinead certainly is cool, honest and real. People are “aghast” because she is a trainwreck and this pathetic attempt to get laid is just that – pathetic.

      Oh yeah, 1987 called – they want their slang back.

  42. forrest gump

    let’s hope she will get back in shape & eliminate her hairs…………..

  43. Oh so thats where the phrase “shave its head and teach it to walk backwards” came from.

  44. dotmatrix

    Of course she’s horny, she’s Irish.

  45. FamousPlastic.com

    Honest to god, I thought that was Rosanne Barr. Someone should remind her that men are visual.

  46. Sinead O'Connor
    CharmlessMan
    Commented on this photo:

    Zipper check. Yeah, we’re reaching the breaking point here! Call in the sash!

  47. Sinead O'Connor
    CharmlessMan
    Commented on this photo:

    Hmmm… that sorta looks like a peni… I’ll be in my dressing room! Where’s that can of WD40 I saw earlier?

  48. Sinead O'Connor
    CharmlessMan
    Commented on this photo:

    The photographer caught the exact moment the diabetic coma took over.

  49. Sinead O'Connor
    CharmlessMan
    Commented on this photo:

    A woman with a beat box tries to beat box.

  50. Veronica

    Anal gives you grape sized ‘roids.

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