Sinead O’Connor is Really Horny

The Superficial / August 26, 2011

“Why aren’t you a penis?! ARRRGGHHH!!”

Sinead O’Connor looks like this now, so keep that in mind as you read the personal ad she posted to her blog over the weekend that people are only just now catching onto because, honestly, we all thought she was dead. I posted the full text after the cut because it’s a pretty lengthy read, but for the sake of brevity, here’s the follow-up she wrote shortly afterward just to give you a taste of what you’re dealing with as well as ensure that “the difficult brown” gains a more prominent place in our national lexicon. We really don’t say it enough:

I’ve been repeatedly asked will I ‘do anal sex’. Let me make it very clear.. Any man I contemplate has to be into anal sex.. It was a family paper so they wudnt have printed it but let me now take time to make VERY clear that yes I ‘do anal’ and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if ‘doing anal’ wasn’t on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don’t like ‘the difficult brown’.. Don’t apply… I’ve had reasonable complaints from lesbians that they have been excluded. This was terribly remiss of me and I would now like to make it clear that women will also be very much considered. As will Brians and Nigels.. Since there were complaints there too.

And for those of you looking for hope in this topsy-turvy world, Sinead actually managed to find a taker:

Search called off for now. Suitable man found. Hands down winner. No competition.. Thank you again to the sunday indo..
That position has been filled by an extremely sweet, kind, very respectful, considerate but absolutely FILTHY minded, un-inhibited RUDE sex maniac named John. and no.. I don’t mean John Waters.

But then disaster struck:

Sadly the chosen winner of the quest for man has revealed pregnant girlfriend. Therefore the campaign is resumed for anyone who is interested in applying… U may do so at @ iamwonderful@me.com
Must have sweet heart and filthy mind.

To defend my fellow sex addict John here, if the whole point of this exercise is to prevent you from “humping your truck” due to sexual starvation, why are you letting morals muddy the waters here? So he’s got a pregnant girlfriend, is the umbilical cord blocking the entrance to your vagina, or difficult brown spot, if I’m using that right? Because this sounds suspiciously like a marriage trap to me. Promises of anal, then SHAZAM! You’re locked in an argument because Aunt Gladys is from the south and can’t possibly sit at the same table as your cousin and her mixed race baby, and while you’re at it, these colors blow. I’m tellin’ ya, that’s how they getcha. That’s how they getcha.

IS SINEAD ABOUT TO HUMP HER TRUCK?

The man who runs my site will protectively suggest I may want to visit the bathroom for a few intimate moments and a subsequent cold shower before deciding to post this on the site but I will of course ignore him as it’s too late now and the her-moans are having the best of me.

I recently read of a woman in America who married and regularly humps her truck. I don’t yet own a truck but I’m beginning to understand her head space. And am worried I too may be so desperate for sex that within days I might run up the road and hump Bray Cab’s whole fleet in one hour. Forty quid clear-up afterward. Can’t say fairer than that. Except maybe a photo for their web-site. Which would be fine.

My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners. I actually do know a woman who is a performance artist from America. I have a photo of her being escorted arm in arm by two uk police man onto a plane back home cuz she humped a yam in the middle of her show. I just know that’s going to happen to me if I don’t take drastic action.

Needless to say what I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun. and it’s VERY depressing.

So I’ve been pondering on whether or not I should join some Irish dating agencies. Of course if I did it would end up in papers so I may as well save myself the registration fees. Besides which a friend of mine uses dating agencies and half the men actually have wives.

Am in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man.

He must be no younger than 44.

Must be living in Ireland but I don’t care if he is from the planet Zog.

Must not be named Brian or Nigel.

Must be blind enough to think I’m gorgeous.

Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply.

Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies.

I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply.

No hair gel.

No hair dryer use.

No hair dye

Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me.

No after shave.

Must be very ‘snuggly’. Not just wham-bam.

Must be wham-bam.

Has to like his mother.

Has to like his ex and or mother/s of his children.

Has to live in own place.

I must end now as I have a hot date with a banana

Applicants can apply through my secretary at vampyahslayah@yahoo.com

Photo: Splash News