Simon From ‘Real Housewives’ Ejaculated On His Wife During Childbirth. Why Not?

April 24th, 2012 // 44 Comments
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If you haven’t seen this by now, yesterday Jezebel unearthed a gem that’s basically why we have an Internet from former Real Housewives of New York stars Alex McCord and Simon Van Kempen‘s quasi-memoir “Little Kids, Big City” where, long story short, Alex writes about naturally giving birth to her son which caused Simon to jizz all over her back. Because apparently that happens, and suddenly Brian Austin Green makes a whole lot more sense now:

Once he was finally out of my body, I experienced a tsunami of endorphins that was almost orgasmic, and I understand completely the stories other women have written about ecstatic birth. Simon was sitting behind me at the point of birth, and later when we untangled ourselves he discovered he’d actually ejaculated though hadn’t felt any of the normal lead-up to that. It may seem distasteful to some, and definitely neither of us was thinking of sex at the time, but with the rush of emotion and my lower nerve endings going crazy, it’s not too far a stretch to say that it’s a profound experience.

What’s even more insane about this whole situation is not only did they fucking publish it in a book that anyone can pick up and read, they named the poor kid “François.” Two incredible decisions that in no way will turn around and bite them in the ass 16 years down the road.

FRANÇOIS: So, dad, remember when you and mom basically told everyone about the time you jizzed all over her back while I was being born?
SIMON: *sighs* What do you want now?
FRANÇOIS: A BMW.
SIMON: Fine.
FRANÇOIS: Also, I killed again.
SIMON: Whatever, we’ll clean it up. Now, have you seen my copy of NOVA – The Miracle of Life? I’m, uh, I’m- eh, fuck it, I’m talking to Jeffery Dahmer here. I’m going to watch it and jizz in my pants.

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. Cock Dr

    I understand some men are on an orgasm hairtrigger but that’s ridiculous.

    • There’s a song by Jon Lajoie called “Too Fast” and it sounds like Simon here is the physical manifestation.

    • Crispy Anus

      I’ve never had an orgasm from sex alone. I always have to run off to the bathroom to finish myself off or else the blue balls are terrible. Thanks for listening.

  2. Dude even *looks* like a creeper.

  3. Hell, I just want to know who’s the sockless douchebag at right, wearing the wingtips with shorts.

    Also: why do these fuckbags have to breed?

  4. El Jefe

    Two questions.

    1. Why was he behind her during the birth of the child, wouldn’t you be watching the birth from the other direction?

    2. How the fuck did he cum all over her back, was the perverted fucker naked while she was giving birth?

    He is one creepy fucker, he seems like the kind of guy that kidnaps girls and or boys and keeps them locked up and prisoners in a basement dungeon as sex slaves.

    • vgirly

      I was thinking the same and the only conclusion I could come up with is a water birth. I’ve seen on TLC where some men get behind the mothers in the actual bath. This conclusion alone conjures up thoughts that made me just gag and throw up in my mouth. Think of baby swimming in a pool of blood and jiz.

  5. Where's the McBeef?

    not what I had in mind when I ordered the boots to him, medium style.

  6. Did I miss the part where it says that he was naked when he was sitting behind her while she gave birth? Because otherwise, it reads as if he came in his pants, not “jizzed all over her back.”

    • Dr. New Age

      The new craze is for everyone in the room to be naked during childbirth. Doctors, nurses, spectators, etc. The idea is that if the first thing the child sees is people wearing clothes they will develop shame and guilt that manifests itself as dysfunction later in life.

  7. Simon Van Kempen Ejaculated On Alex McCord During Birth
    Commented on this photo:

    Colt didn’t know who the man in the red satin jeans was, whether he was gay—hello! red satin jeans!—or whether the woman standing next to him with the wedding ring on was his wife. At that moment, frozen in time, Colt only knew one thing: he was in love.

  8. Simon Van Kempen Ejaculated On Alex McCord During Birth
    Commented on this photo:

    Somewhere, Justin Bieber just purse-popped a stylist for not bringing him those pants first.

  9. Simon Van Kempen Ejaculated On Alex McCord During Birth
    Commented on this photo:

    Pictured: How to out-gay a flamboyantly posed shirtless go-go dancer with a g-string full of dollar bills.

  10. Juano

    Usually, when you see stories on the Superficial about “celebs” doing odd things, you just have to laugh. But this one, this one is disgusting from just about every angle you could imagine.

    A woman gives birth and has to tell everybody she had an orgasm? Her odd-looking husband finds that so erotic he has an orgasm? Where do these people come from? How can they be so ego-centric that they think disclosure of this crap makes them seem “cool” or “hip”? Assuming all this were true, about which I am somewhat sceptical given the propensity of “Real Douchebags of [name your favorite shithole]” to bullshit and lie about everything, why the hell would you want to share the fact that you are an idiot?

    • Cock Dr

      Now calm down and consider the source of this strangeness.
      They wrote it in a book, which they wrote for profit. People make up all sorts of goofy stuff if they think it will arouse interest and ultimately bring in some cash. These douchebags are just chasing dollars, and it is interesting to see just what they will do for them.

      • The fact that you used the word “arouse” when discussing these douchebags is making me really nauseated. There’s a big difference between “goofy stuff” to “arouse interest” and “horrifically skeeve out beyond the boundaries of what humans should ever have to visualize”.

        “Goofy” is maybe confiding about the time you had sex in the glass elevator at the Apple store in NYC, it’s gone beyond that when you decide to brag about how you jacked off on your wife’s back and bukkake’d your newborn.

      • Um…is it really “confiding” anything when you have sex in a glass elevator in front of countless people? Personally, I mark that act (let alone the telling of it) skeevy, not goofy.

      • Presumably you’re not “confiding” to the grossed out – I mean, witnesses – if it’s in a book, your aim is to overshare will all those unfortunate people who missed a glimpse of your ass under glass. And while it would be totes skeevy for anyone else, these double-douchebags have singlehandedly (or two-fistedly, depending on New Daddy’s technique) raised the Skeevitude Bar so high that what’s gross for the rest of the world’s multitudes to do is now mildly amusing in comparison. This nimrod should have just confided the obvious – that he dyes his facial hair – and called it a goddamn day. If I were New York, I’d take money out of the Sanitation Department’s budget just to hire some guy to follow these two around with a bottle of disinfectant.

  11. Deacon Jones

    Soooo…

    Did they actually have sex immediately after she popped a kid out?

    Did he jerk off onto her after he heard her moan?

    Or did he say “Fuck this” and go for the balloon knot?

  12. Simon Van Kempen Ejaculated On Alex McCord During Birth
    King Diamond
    Commented on this photo:

    Never mind Colt. What grown man wears an “Amazing Spiderman” t-shirt?

  13. dinosaurland

    And that kid will have to live with that knowledge for the rest of its life.

  14. grobpilot

    I think he was punching the pooper while she was squeezing out that frog. The pressure of her last push popped him out of there and he had to make a choice: either blow his wad all over his son’s back (which would be wierd) or go for the standard porn money shot.

  15. kimmykimkim

    I can’t even bring myself to read this shit. The entire housewives franchise needs to die. If any of you watch this shit, you should be ashamed. If anyone knows someone who watches this shit, intervene.

  16. She experienced a rush of endorphin, so he blew a load? See, there’s a disconnect there. And it makes it much, much more creepy.

  17. I can only assume he’s got a foot fetish thing going on. It seems like a good idea for someone to smash his testicles while they’re there.

  18. Yeah all this shit is fucked up but the people who bought the book are really fucked.

  19. I must say, Fish, you’re on fire today. “Also, I killed again.” Hilarious!

  20. JC

    Firing a round off in the delivery room can’t be unprecedented. After all, Daddy Duggar must inject his holy seed into his uterus cannon wife as soon as the umbilical cord is cut.

  21. The Royal Penis

    Afterbirth gets me all hot and bothered too.

  22. V_Ann

    Situations of high stress and fear can trigger some weird body responses.

    When I was in high school a teacher freaked out and went after a student, a boy, I really can’t remember why or what he did. All I know is that after screaming at him the kid got a boner! Doubt it had anything to do with sexual arousal and more like fear/stress. Poor guy.

    our bodies are gross and weird, but interesting at the same time.

    • Mistress Dominque at Auntie Maim’s Dungeon of Pain would like a little [safe] word with you – apparently you’re missing some crucial information and have a lot to learn.

  23. Hola

    white people…

  24. Nobody

    That’ll do, pig, that’ll do.

  25. Simon Van Kempen Ejaculated On Alex McCord During Birth
    pookiewookie
    Commented on this photo:

    They both look like aliens.

  26. right

    crrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeepy

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