If you haven’t seen this by now, yesterday Jezebel unearthed a gem that’s basically why we have an Internet from former Real Housewives of New York stars Alex McCord and Simon Van Kempen‘s quasi-memoir “Little Kids, Big City” where, long story short, Alex writes about naturally giving birth to her son which caused Simon to jizz all over her back. Because apparently that happens, and suddenly Brian Austin Green makes a whole lot more sense now:
Once he was finally out of my body, I experienced a tsunami of endorphins that was almost orgasmic, and I understand completely the stories other women have written about ecstatic birth. Simon was sitting behind me at the point of birth, and later when we untangled ourselves he discovered he’d actually ejaculated though hadn’t felt any of the normal lead-up to that. It may seem distasteful to some, and definitely neither of us was thinking of sex at the time, but with the rush of emotion and my lower nerve endings going crazy, it’s not too far a stretch to say that it’s a profound experience.
What’s even more insane about this whole situation is not only did they fucking publish it in a book that anyone can pick up and read, they named the poor kid “François.” Two incredible decisions that in no way will turn around and bite them in the ass 16 years down the road.
FRANÇOIS: So, dad, remember when you and mom basically told everyone about the time you jizzed all over her back while I was being born?
SIMON: *sighs* What do you want now?
FRANÇOIS: A BMW.
FRANÇOIS: Also, I killed again.
SIMON: Whatever, we’ll clean it up. Now, have you seen my copy of NOVA – The Miracle of Life? I’m, uh, I’m- eh, fuck it, I’m talking to Jeffery Dahmer here. I’m going to watch it and jizz in my pants.