Simon Cowell’s Penis Is Hemorrhaging Money

April 17th, 2012 // 23 Comments
Simon Cowell
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“The name’s Boob, Man Boob. Double-O Bitch-tits.”

Simon Cowell has more money stashed in his sweater cows than most industrialized nations, so naturally he has sex with lots of women because deep down they’re just looking for a nice guy with a sense of humor. Except you’ll be surprised to learn that one of these women was just in it for the accumulation of material wealth and robbed his ass blind while he was sleeping. Page Six reports:

“The X Factor” creator had been drinking at Drai’s nightclub in Hollywood last October when he met a woman and snuck her past hotel staff into his room. When Cowell awoke the next morning, the paper reports that he discovered that the woman was gone — and that she had emptied his wallet and stolen his computer, which housed many sensitive “Factor” documents.
Cowell’s team quickly alerted the police, who worked with the hotel to screen security footage and track down the mystery woman. According to the paper, the computer was eventually returned, though the cash from Cowell’s wallet was not.

Keep in mind, Simon Cowell was just finishing kicking his then-fiance Mezghan Hussainy, a former make-up artist for American Idol, to the curb but not before giving her an $8 million mansion for “putting up with all of the publicity and scrutiny that comes with dating the ‘X Factor’ honcho.” And, yes, that’s fancy British talk for, “I man-titty-fucked every woman my money could get its hands on.”

News of the robbery comes on the heels of several other salacious revelations about Cowell, thanks to biographer Tom Bower’s upcoming tome about the television personality, “Sweet Revenge: The Intimate Life of Simon Cowell.” Among the revelations in the book is that Cowell had an affair with “The X Factor” judge Dannii Minogue, who split from the father of her son just this month after four years together.
Following news of the affair breaking yesterday, former “Factor” judge Sharon Osbourne gave an interview with The Mirror, in which she said that the affair “wasn’t a secret.” She furthered that Cowell also was seeing two other women — model Jasmine Lennard and make-up artist Julia Carta — while engaged to former-fiance Mezghan Hussainy.

Here’s the sad irony of this story: Simon Cowell will probably never love a woman more than the one who robbed him blind while he was sleeping after a night of sex. I can see him now perched on the balcony of his mansion, Faberge eggs glistening in the sun next to prostitutes he murdered for sport while his voluminous man-bosom heaves with each sigh from dreaming of the one that got away. “She simply fucked me, contented herself with what little cash I had in my wallet and then quietly left without even speaking to me. My God, she was perfect. I’ll never be that happy again in my life! ARRRRRGGHHHH!!!” *rips Baby Gap tee off his chest*

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. Donald Duck

    He takes care of his beards.

  2. Pay For Sax

    Violence is always the best solution. Blood, fear, screams of terror this is the stuff real living is about.

  3. Yoyoma

    He’s just upset because he didn’t get the chance to dryly criticize her performance afterwards. Lol Baby Gap tee.

  4. alex

    Did he wake up in a bath tub filled with ice and missing a kidney??

  5. Guess Who's Drunk?

    Surprise, Surprise! Simon Cowell is a shallow materialistic jackass.

  6. Batman

    He must be the only person in the world who can pay his prostitutes via direct deposit.

  7. Fill A Pino

    What good is all that money if you can’t buy people? Am I right Slave Master Cowell?

  8. vekfan

    I had a woman steal my shower gel once, guess that puts me in the same league! lol

  9. El Jefe

    This woman just did him the best favor ever, I can’t believe he has not bought her a mansion yet. She has effectively dispelled the gay rumors.

    On another note, how had Simon not hooked up with Rihanna yet, they are literally perfect for each other? He is in the music industry, he likes black girls and he likes Barbados. She has got to be the Holy Grail of women for him.

  10. Nippy

    Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. I hate this fucker.

  11. “Among the revelations in the book is that Cowell had an affair with ‘The X Factor’ judge Dannii Minogue… Following news of the affair breaking yesterday, former ‘Factor’ judge Sharon Osbourne gave an interview with The Mirror, in which she said that she too had an affair with Cowell from 2005 to 2006.”
    –What I honestly thought I was in sphincter-clenching store for.

  12. Hollywoody5000

    If you think Cowell sleeps with alot of women , I have some ocean front property in Arizona. Just sayin… Men maybe, women…I think not!

  13. Merkin

    I always assumed he was gay and these girls were beards

  14. Josh

    I never questioned his sexuality until i saw “louis theroux meets max clifford”, they were setting up photoshoots with him and various women to look like chance paparazzi encounters and then sending them to the press…

  15. Low Class Simon Cowell

    Let’s be clear about Simon Cowell’s allegations. He states the woman stole his computer, this implies he watched her pick up her computer and walk out the door. We must ask Simon Cowell why he didn’t try to stop her or call for aid.

    Why didn’t Simon Cowell stop the woman from leaving his hotel room with his computer and cash from his wallet?

    It’s possible Simon Cowell would explain to us that he was sleeping at the time the women robbed him of his computer and cash from his wallet. The next question we must ask Simon Cowell is if he was sleeping how did he know she stole his computer and the cash from his wallet?

    How does he know she stole his computer and his wallet if he was alseep? Anyone could have entered his hotel room while he was sleep and robbed him of his computer and his wallet.

    There is much left out of this report and there are many questions that will probably be left unanswered for many reasons.

    He was sleeping when the items went missing, how do we know he didn’t tell her in his sleep to take anything she wanted? If the man was heavily intoxicated then he should tank his lucky stars for not passing out dead. Seems to me this woman was kind enough to make sure he didn’t choke on his own vomit and die.

    When you have billions of dollars you really should have a security detail with you to wipe up your filth and escort the whore to the door.

  16. “…snuck her past hotel staff … quickly alerted the police…”
    My former history as a hospitality employee says suck it up, asshole.

  17. | “he met a woman and snuck her past hotel staff into his room.”
    | “the computer was eventually returned, though the cash from Cowell’s wallet was not.”

    So Simon Cowell spent more money than he could remember at a bar and couldn’t find his laptop for a bit and turned it into a “hey look everyone, I swear I’ve had sex with one of those female things!”.

    Not buying it.

  18. Stewie Griffin

    “Cowell’s team quickly alerted the police, who worked with the hotel to screen security footage and track down the mystery woman. According to the paper, the computer was eventually returned, though the cash from Cowell’s wallet was not.”

    Police were called in, but no arrest????? Looks like a couple of Detectives enjoyed an all expense paid vacation to somewhere nice and warm.

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