Simon Cowell Ain’t Marrying Shit, Regroups In Mezghan Hussainy’s Vagina

August 5th, 2013 // 36 Comments
$3 Million A Year?!
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If there was ever one photograph that encompasses what it’s like to date Simon Cowell, it’s this one. “That blowjob was absolutely dreadful. Ohmygod, are you still in the car?”

Despite Lauren Silverman telling everyone Simon Cowell’s going to make an honest woman out of her, he has absolutely no plans to, and mostly just wants to jump to the part where he cuts her a check to go away so women don’t find out he isn’t sterile and make him wear a condom. TMZ reports:

Simon Cowell is upset … very upset he’s in the middle of what is becoming a bitter divorce between Andrew Silverman and Simon’s soon-to-be baby mama Lauren Silverman, and he’s pressuring her to settle … sources with direct knowledge of the situation tell TMZ.
We’re told Simon HATES the bad publicity, which he feels is making him look like an underhanded cad. Our sources say Simon has painted a clear picture to Lauren — the money she’ll get from Andrew is minimal because of their prenup, so any significant cash will come from Mr. X Factor himself.

While some reports are estimating Simon could be paying up to $3 million a year in child support, he couldn’t care less and is already banging his ex Mezghan Hussainy while he looks for other women to lure onto his penis with promises of cash. Via People:

With the public still reeling from news that he was expecting a child with his friend’s wife, Simon Cowell went back to work on Thursday to promote X Factor.
Question: who was at his side while he faced the press?
Answer: His ex-fiance Mezghan Hussainy.
Hussainy, who is also Cowell’s makeup artist, was on hand at the Television Critics Association panel in Beverly Hills while he addressed television reports alongside his fellow judges. She was also spotted arriving at his Los Angeles home earlier in the day.

“Oh, Simon, I can’t believe what that awful woman did you. I could never do something like that.”
“And that’s why I have sex with you whenever it’s convenient, love. Now if you wouldn’t mind getting dressed in the garage, I’ve got a date coming over. Spit spot!”

Photos: Splash News


  1. Jake

    Nothing like a blowjob in a limo to make your problems melt away.

  2. I really don’t know what’s most successful at bringing the sexy here – the jowls that are losing the fight with gravity, the crepe-y neck. or the mat of chest hair bursting free of the sausage-tight, vacuum-sealed shirt.

    Wait, did I say “bringing the sexy”? Oops, I meant “triggering my gag reflex”.

    • What you are NOT seeing is the fat wallet in his back pocket with the hundred Pound notes falling out of it. THAT’S what is bringing the sexy and also why Mezghan is looking down. (Also, she might be spitting)

  3. Holland

    I’d just get a vasectomy. Maybe freeze some sperm for when the need arises.

  4. Simon Cowell Mezghan Hussainy
    Commented on this photo:

    Which way is Christopher Street?

  5. ruckus

    Oh my! You learned that at Hogwarts you say?

  6. George

    I’m glad that he’s not my father.

  7. Simon Cowell Mezghan Hussainy
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    Does he have any idea how much of a douchebag he looks like?

    And he pays people to make him look like this?

  8. “Simon HATES the bad publicity, which he feels is making him look like an underhanded cad”

    Uhhh, yea… DARN that PUBLICITY, making Sweet Simon appear all caddish. I mean, who HASN’T banged their best friend’s wife while he is in the middle of a painful divorce with her? I mean, what was he supposed to do, NOT bang her? Why, oh, why, does this keep happening to poor Simon?

  9. “We’re told Simon HATES the bad publicity, which he feels is making him look like an underhanded cad.” “bad publicity … making him look like an underhanded cad”? Shouldn’t that be “bad publicity … revealing that he is, in actual, DNA-testable, court-admissible, eighteen-years-of-future-earnings-reducing, buddy’s-wife’s-baby-hole-spunk-plugging fact, an underhanded cad”?

  10. reinhard heidrich

    how did we not get him in the gas chamber?

    • Wille Horton

      Because he’s in California.

      FYI – California has more people on death row (727) than any other state in the union (Florida is second with 413). However California has only excuted 13 prisoners since 1976. Florida clocks in at 77 inmates post Furman.

      Gotta love that Gov. Moonbeam

      • Yeah, Schwarzenegger was Governor from 2003 to 2011 and declared a moratorium on executions in 2006.

        I guess I should be sympathetic as is seems that the early onset of dementia seems to be a common affliction amongst those on the Right.

  11. Cock Dr

    Simon Cowell, who apparently enjoys all the perks of being a celebrity, now must deal with some of the shittier elements of fame. I hope he enjoys his time in the limelight.

  12. Simon Cowell Mezghan Hussainy
    Batu Khan
    Commented on this photo:

    Mezghan thought bubble: Am I pregnant? I feel Pregnant. Yepp, Cha-Ching!

  13. Simon Cowell Mezghan Hussainy
    Commented on this photo:

    “My Beautiful Ball”. Would that be the one that spit out the kid, or the one saying, “Hey, don’t blame me!”?

  14. She looks similar to his baby momma. He obviously has a thing for women whose boobs aren’t as big as his.

  15. Got to say he takes scumbaggery to a whole new level and she, well she takes gold digging to pretty much the same level it has always been.

  16. RubberBandMan

    3 million a year? Is he nuts to offer her that much for child support? She’s not even worth 3 million over 21 years. What kid needs 3 million in child support? 50k a year and she gets a job is what I’m saying.

    • Peggy P

      You’re cheap. He has more money than he could ever spend, and the kid might look like him, and based on that fact alone, I think she should get more!

  17. cc

    Clearly he didn’t read the book at George/Leonardo playbook carefully enough. It included checklists for a reason you know.

  18. Simon Cowell Mezghan Hussainy
    dr. jones
    Commented on this photo:

    Which fembot is this?

  19. Simon Cowell Mezghan Hussainy
    Commented on this photo:

    What a gentleman, helping her out of the car like that..*barf

  20. crb

    Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy

  21. Peggy P

    I just think that it’s so funny that he’s so scared of a little baby. He’s 53 and he’s hiding out in another country, what a jackass.

    • Ripley's Believe It Or Not

      I think it’s safe to say he’s afraid of being in the spotlight as a source of conflict between a divorcing couple. A contested divorce means all his paper work re finances likely gets exposed in public, something I doubt he wants to happen. By asking her to settle with her estranged husband, he’s asking her to avoid the implications for him of her contesting her divorce.

    • Ripley's Believe It Or Not

      Love the papers referring to his “brood” as a harem. Billionaires have harems worth of gold diggers

  22. pancit

    “the money she’ll get from Andrew is minimal because of their prenup”

    You mean he STILL has to pay her after she cheated on him with his friend?


  23. Simon Cowell Mezghan Hussainy
    Commented on this photo:

    “Can you freaking hurry up getting out of the car, woman? I can’t old my breath for much longer in front of these paps.”

  24. Simon Cowell Mezghan Hussainy
    Commented on this photo:

    “Can you freaking hurry up getting out of the car, woman? I can’t old my breath for much longer in front of these paps.”

  25. Rachel

    Simon is a pig. Lauren is a gold digging swine. Mezgan must be feeling awful he was banging lauren the slut while mezgan was engaged to him.

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