Shaquille O’Neal arrests perverts

May 30th, 2006 // 59 Comments

shaq-cop.jpgRemember when Shaquille O’Neal announced he wanted to be a U.S. marshal? Turns out he was serious. The 7 foot giant has reportedly helped make 30 busts against child pornography offenders, saying:

“I do not have to run after the people or tackle them. They always surrender peacefully,” Shaq recently told Webster Hall’s Baird Jones. “And I’m never afraid. When I arrive, they are really already under arrest.” Shaq says he’s not in it for the glory. “I am not a hero . . . My father was my hero growing up. He was an Army drill sergeant and an FBI agent.”

I look forward to the day one of the silly perverts decides to run from the cops only to have Shaquille O’Neal swoop in and bite him in half. Because that’s what giant people do. They bite other smaller people in half. It’s like their trademark.



  1. GeorgiaTornado

    Shaq is da man!

  2. BarbadoSlim

    When is someone going to arrest and punish Shaq for making Kazaam?

  3. Geno

    I see a new reality show on Fox coming….
    Marshall Shaq…

  4. nichole

    Good for him!

  5. Sheva

    Take the perps to the Love Shaq and bustem up.

  6. prettierthanmeganharris

    @2 Yeah, Kazaam was pretty damn bad,
    but this makes up for it, you go Shaq!

  7. BarbadoSlim

    What the pervs don’t know is that on any arrest where Shaq’s involved he gets to sodomize the perp at his discretion.


  8. krisdylee

    Have a fun day y’all, I’ll be in a course all day, and won’t be near any computers….

    oh, god, the humanity…

  9. here

    I thought a person had to smile with their entire mouth to pass a psychological clearance. But that’s whacky ol’ Shaq, entertaining and detaining at the same time. I think it’s interesting he made the point he’s never afraid physically based on ideological grounds – they’re already under arrest. This means Shaq is also a philospher. Wow. Entertaining, detaining, and explaining. A renaissance man who happens to be backed up by several heavily armed coworkers and a helicopter.

  10. Fugurself

    I was taken hostage by the Albanians. Before I was released I was given a choice. Listen to Shaq’s greatest hits the whole way through or eat a bucket of dirty toenail clippings. I opted for the CD and half way through I wish I had chosen the bucket.

    Good thing he’s found something better to spend his time on.

  11. tits_on_snack

    I can’t make fun of this. Next.

  12. ob1

    “I dought I ordered the big bweakfast?”
    - Shaquile O’Neil circa 1992 McDonalds commercial

    My sources tell me the perv did attempted to escape, but his plan was foiled after tripping over Shaq’s humongous lips.

  13. CoJo

    Finally a celebrity that actually does something for good rather than just blabbering and complaining about shit! Good for him!

  14. @11 – I know. I can’t seem to muster anything to make fun of here myself.

  15. pinky_nip

    I just would like to see his dick. Just once. Not necessarily use it, because I’d be rendered useless to anyone else. But just see it once, you know for shits and giggles.

  16. SuperSonicsGirl

    Shaq is fabulous! He witnessed someone throwing a bottle out of their car at a gay couple walking down the street in miami and followed the car while calling the police to report it, just to make sure they got caught. I don’t think anyone would understand him while he reads them their rights though…

  17. Pinky: You know you’d HAVE to try it.

  18. parishaswarts

    he’s smiling like someone who took a stroke and their left side is paralysed

  19. pinky_nip

    Zanna: I guess you’re right. It would be like going to Mt. Everest and just standing at the bottom taking pictures. You gotta at least give it the old college try.

  20. Italian Stallion

    He just in it to give cavity searches…..

  21. Italian Stallion


  22. pinky_nip

    Mornin’ Stallion… in from your morning trot? Need to be brushed out? *hehehe*

  23. that’s kinda cool.
    it’s a nice change from the usual white redneck cops, or the young rookie cops who brag about how many people they lock up in one night.

  24. fukusan

    Whatever, he’s kind of clumsy oaf, I know a dozen people who are a foot shorter than him and would undoubtadly beat the living daylights out of him

  25. PapaHotNuts

    He still can’t shoot a free throw.

  26. I love me some Shaq. I think I read something about his duties before. I’d still love to see him pursue someone on foot. That would be awesome.

  27. Toonlite

    Shaquille McGruff…taking the bite outta crime….GggggrrrrrrrrrrRUFF…
    Munch On!!!!

  28. Jacq

    So they’re already under arrest when he gets there? What a fucking hero.

    Wuz up, Doc? Can we rock?

  29. prettierthanmeganharris

    @20 That’s gotta hurt
    Hey there sweetie!

  30. Italian Stallion

    @22 what up…..

    @29 what up……

    @25 when the criminals try to run away he throws bricks at them………

    Hope everyone had a good Holiday, I think…..

  31. pinky_nip

    Sweet! Does anyone have the strippers at the top of the page? *dollar bill in teeth*

  32. Jacq

    #0 – What am I chopped liver?!

  33. Pinky – No, I don’t have strippers at the top of my page. Just in the other room.

  34. Italian Stallion

    @32 my bad…..and the baby isn’t mine, you can’t prove anything……

  35. gammanormids

    Anyone who gives perverts and child offenders what they deserve, is on my list.

  36. PapaHotNuts

    If he was busting five criminals at once, would they use a 2-3 zone or go man-to-man?

  37. pinky_nip

    @34 & @32: See you two on Maury.

  38. Jacq

    #37 – Are you my cousin that he’s been sleeping with? Or my mom?

  39. Jacq

    #35 – What list? The shit list? The offenders? The police?

    #34 – I can prove it. He calls YOU daddy and if anyone knows, it’s him.

    It has to be difficult to run a stake-out with Shaq. I bet his cover gets blown all of the time.

  40. They use Shaq to do to pedophiles what pedophiles do to children, his immense size reducing the average child molester to the approximate size of one of their victims. Shaq is to them as they are to the five and six year olds they molest. It is in fact a great program, as recidivism rates have plummetted once the perverts in question know what it’s like to get ass-raped by a man. Aside from never walking properly, or taking a shit with the abundant aid of stool softeners, the perps can never move fast enough to catch their quarry.

  41. pinky_nip

    #38: Hell no. I’m HIS cousin.

  42. mushmouth

    #24 – Big NBA players are not exactly the types to get beat down on a regular basis. So when they whine about the impossibility of physically dealing with Shaq, well, I’d like to see the fellas you have in mind, I’m guessing nobody’s raising their hands.

    And actually he’s not clumsy at all, though not as graceful as he was 12 years and 120 pounds ago. This would seem to indicate you don’t watch much NBA perhaps.

  43. Iambananas

    Shaq is so cool because he dosne’t like Kobe, and neither do I… I think we all know why.

    Kobe (quobe)

  44. Jacq

    #38 – I get a lot of that.
    “Mom, are you my real mommy?”
    “Hell no.”

  45. Land-Man

    Shouldn’t he be practicing free-throws? I actually liked Kazaam.

  46. Jonboy in SF

    Hmmm…you’d think he could find enough people to arrest just from his personal acquaintances. R. Kelly had better check to see who’s knocking the next time someone shows up at his door or he’s going to find himself on the cuffed end of a Shaq attack!

  47. To let the perps know just how it feels to have an adult molest you, average sized detainees are left alone with Shack after he has been fed viagra…….they never molest again.

  48. TrannyGranny

    Goddamn, That’s a Huge Bitch!!!

  49. brandi


    so you’re saying that I’ll I have to do is kidnap a seven-year-old boy, make him watch porno and feed him saltine crackers through the crack of the door and shaq will come?


    better bring out that candy… I got some kidnapping to do.

  50. JP

    Who’s the black private dick
    That’s a sex machine to all the chicks?
    Ya damn right!

    Who is the man that would risk his neck
    For his brother man?
    Can you dig it?

    Who’s the cat that won’t cop out
    When there’s danger all about?
    Right On!

    They say this cat SHAQ is a bad mother
    I’m talkin’ ’bout SHAQ.

    He’s a complicated man
    But no one understands him but his woman

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