Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant have babies

May 2nd, 2006 // 49 Comments

kobe-shaq-baby.jpgShaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant both welcomed new daughters into their families yesterday, with Kobe having Gianna Maria-Onore Bryant at 2:03 AM and Shaq having Me’arah Sanaa O’Neal at 4:57 AM.

Considering Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields also had their babies on the same day (and apparently in the same hospital), I can’t help but think that something very sinister is going on. It’s like the Universe is preparing for armageddon and in thirty years the fate of the entire world will rest in the hands of these children as they battle it out in a fight for all of humanity. And just for the heck of it there’ll be a loud techno soundtrack playing in the background and a guy occassionally yelling out “Mortal Kombat!”

superficial

  1. CamberMS

    HA! FIRST!

    Hahaha. I’m SUCH a loser.

  2. DonLes91

    Kobe is such a dumbass for cheating on that superfine piece of ass he calls his wife.

  3. #2 Kobe is such a dumbass for ass raping a 19 year old girl.

  4. blueballs

    The jokes on Kobe as his wife gave birth to Shaq’s baby too!

  5. mmmBitch

    God, Kobe’s wife is SO hot. God, Mexicans are tastey.

  6. Italian Stallion

    Fe, Fi, Fo, Fan, I smell huge baby Africans………

  7. TryTheVeal

    6th!

    Wooo, I have no life!

  8. DonLes91

    Hey Bill – he wasn’t convicted. Innocent until proven guilty…just like OJ. God, I love America!

    It’s kinda funny to be typing that and looking at the “Drink Apple Juice…OJ Will Kill You” T-shirt on the right.

  9. Aside from the crazy ass celebrity babynames, I’m happy for ‘em. Well, Shaq at least.

    http://www.wehateeverybody.com

  10. DonLes91

    Interesting that TS didn’t point out the one thing all these babies have in common – they’re all female! At least I think Me’arah Sanaa is a female name. I mean there’s Sanaa Lathan who’s also female, so yeah…in like thirty years, the fate of the world will rest in the hands of Suri, Me’arah, Maria, and Brooke Shields’ kid, whatever her name is.

  11. TryTheVeal

    Nuts

  12. Land-Man

    Kobe then proceeded to rape the children.

  13. Giggles

    The rapist is the father of girls. Maybe that’s justice.

  14. Fisher55

    those poor women, those babies must have been gigantic

  15. pinky_nip

    @14: Don’t worry about Shaq’s wife delivering, can you imagine how HUGE Shaq is. That kid fucking fell out on the floor.

  16. BigJim

    Oh, pinky, that was the funniest fucking thing I’ve read in a long time. I think I love you, just don’t tell krisdylee, because she seems like the jealous type.

  17. Jacq

    I would imagine that it would be more painful to have sex with Kobe or Shaq than give birth to their kids. You can squeeze out something the size of a cantaloupe with relative ease compared to inserting a watermelon.

  18. Jacq

    I would imagine that it would be more painful to have sex with Kobe or Shaq than give birth to their kids. You can squeeze out something the size of a cantaloupe out of something the size of a lemon with relative ease compared to inserting a watermelon.
    I’ll never eat fruit again…

  19. Jacq

    Dammit! Sorry about the double – I wasn’t quite done yet…

  20. Are both these guys married to latinas? Way to keep it real, dawgs. But at least they named them something African. Those kids will never get teased by other kids, never.

    Aw fuck it, I’m going over to start teasing them now.

  21. sweetcheeks

    Four minutes apart? I’m sure Kobe put those four minutes to good use anally raping housekeepers. Waste not, want not.

  22. munchy

    #20, Shaq’s wife is black.

    BTW, this is Shaq and his wife’s 6th kid. Vanessa (kobe’s wife) 2nd, so I don’t think they had as hard a time as people are imagining.

  23. IwearBananahammocks

    Kobe, I’m that baby’s Daddy, just thought you should know. And Kobe didn’t rape that bitch. Why the hell was she in his room when she got off work? Exactly, cheater maybe, rapist no way. He’s Kobe, I don’t think the guy has any problem getting some poontang.

  24. radio3play

    Kobe didn’t rape her. The slut went with him, then she wanted money. Girls like her make me sick, and want a sex change.

  25. Land-Man

    Why doesn’t he go back to Africa and rape President Mugabe?

  26. sweetcheeks

    Wow, a lot of Kobe fans out there. It became “rape” once he put it in her bottom sans permission. She might be a mentally unstable gold-digger, but she still has the right to refuse butt sex. It’s every girl’s right.

  27. CruisingForCock

    I’m with 23 and 24 on this one. You don’t take the money if you’ve been raped.

  28. gogoboots

    I didn’t know Shaq was even married much less started to have offspring. Wait till the kid sees Shaq’s rap video, that’ll scare the poor child shitless! Can’t say much about Kobe…either!

  29. sweetcheeks

    Really, you don’t take money if you’ve been raped? What about the parents of the little kids Micheal Jackson sodomized? I think they took the money. What about that chick Mike Tyson raped? She took some money too.

    I think the one thing we have learned from living in America is that you CAN, in fact, put a price on anything, even the sanctity of your puss.

  30. limpvamp

    What Superfish forgot to mention was that these babylon babies were born 6 minutes apart . . . the 2:03 baby was PST and the 4:57 baby was EST.

  31. CruisingForCock

    @29 Taking the money is a spit in the face to those that were actually raped and brave enough to go to trial and re-live it.

  32. Iambananas

    I really thing Kobe Bryant raped that girl even though they called him not guilty… and I cann’t believe that they did.

  33. Edna Bambrick

    I, not being the original Edna, but taking on her namesake, will be reporting all disgusting posts.

  34. Evangelia

    dude i would totally take money if i was raped by a multi-millionaire. how is it a spit in the face? you know no jury would convict kobe.

  35. Evangelia

    i would also cut my rapist’s dick off, but after i got the money.

  36. justlikehoney1

    #23, 24 and 27 – precisely.

    #26 and #32 – puh-lease! You know damn well she was trying to make him happy & satisfy him so she could get in his pockets or at the very least, brag that she fucked him – which she did. she bent over not realizing just how big Kobe’s jimmy was. Got shook, got hurt & hauled ass. Then decided to scream rape…..nasty white trash heffa.

    Holla @ me Kobe…….I’ll take a new Benz, a brand new house, a nice hefty sum in my bank account and I won’t tell a soul ;0}

  37. ieatthepoo

    Shaq and Kobe use their giant penises like light sabers in the locker room. Then Tom Cruise comes in and yells “I love the cock!” and homosexual Xenu-Nubian sex occurs.

  38. IwearBananahammocks

    Like Chris Rock says, I ain’t gay but for a couple million I might toss ya salad.

  39. Land-Man

    She already a taste of my colossal Land-Meat, so Kobe and/or Shaq would be no problem. Shaq actually took one look at the Land-Sack and started to cry.

  40. radio4play

    I wouldn’t take the money…I’d take everything the sucka owns..kids and wife included..free labor all the way.

    when someone tries to destroy you, you do not turn the other cheeck..an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind my ass..celebrities are treated like gods when they’re nothing more than lucky bastards.

  41. BarbadoSlim

    Oh, crap here we get two future My Super Sweet Sixteen participants, NBA people should not reproduce.

  42. Hara

    Competitive bastards…

    But who won though? Go Cali! Go Lakers!

    btw, I think Kobe’s wife is black too,
    rofl #37.

  43. TrannyGranny

    Am I the only one who notice how weird Kobe looks in that pic? I guess Shaq is just so huge, it makes Kobe look like a woman.
    Oh, the OJ trial and the Kobe trial has proven once and for all that all races are equal in this country. Black, white, etc, it doesn’t matter what you do, if you got caught or how guilty you are, If you have money, you go free.
    Man, I gotta get me some money!

  44. _goodeyesniper_

    Kobe and shaq didn’t have those babies, their wives did…comon people what is this 1950???

  45. ImCurly

    Kobe is no rapist, that mental white chick got exactly what she wanted and then turned around and tried to cash in … stupid prozac bitch !

  46. ImCurly

    And Kobe’s wife is a half-breed- an oreo !

  47. HollyJ

    I’d rather have a retarded midget mount me like a harley than have to even imagine sex with EITHER of these nasty biological accidents. ‘Good thing they have money, or they would’ve NEVER gotten laid, much less by good-looking whores :::er::: I mean::: wives (that married them for their money)

  48. Seriously, don’t bring up Tyson. I knew the guy pre-prison and he was one of the nicest guys I ever met. The girl he “raped” went to his hotel room at 2am. What the hell was that for? To discuss the global impact of synthetic polymers? No? How about to clean Mike’s pipes. Yes? But then cry foul when Mike doesn’t want to pay you for your service. Double standards bite my ass.

  49. slinkhard

    ‘He’s Kobe, I don’t think the guy has any problem getting some poontang.’

    Yes, 23, because all rapes are down to a guy having problems getting some, and not at all having issues with power and women, and getting off on forcing someone to have sex with them. (Why not bring up whether or not the victim was wearing a short skirt, complete this time warp to 1950?)
    Kobe and Tyson should fry.

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