In probably the greatest transition ever, Shaquille O’Neal goes from talking to Vanity Fair about his friendship with Justin Bieber to his secret career catching cyber-predators by pretending to be a 12-year-old girl. And, yes, I’m talking about the large black man up there:
As long as you stay on the right side, you’ll be fine. For the last seven years, I’ve been a detective for Internet crimes against children. So if you ever see me, you know we’ve got you. If we come to your house, it’s all over. You’re going to be arrested. You’ve been having Internet conversations with me, and we’ve got all the evidence we need to take you down.
What’s your arrest catchphrase?
My catchphrase? Like a motto?
What do you say when you’re roughing up a perp? “On the floor, dirtbag!” “Book ‘em, Danno!” That kind of thing.
Well, uh. (Long pause.) My job is to be a little girl.
Come again?
I play a little girl on the Internet. So whatever name I’m going by, that will probably be my catchphrase. If I’m Tanya, then it’ll be something like, “Tanya says hello.” And they’ll be like, “Tanya who?” And I’ll say, “You don’t know no Tanya, huh? I’m Tanya. Let’s go.” And that’s when the cuffs get slapped on you.
I’d be less concerned with the handcuffs than the fact that a seven foot bald man just introduced himself as Tanya.
(Laughs.) Yeah, they don’t like that very much.
I’m pretty sure the last thing I ever expected to find out was that Shaq secretly pretends to be a lit- wait, did he just say Tanya? *chucks laptop in the river*
Thanks to Darwin Police who’d like you to take a seat right over there, please.
Photos: Splash News
Karen | August 10, 2010 at 1:27 pm
First you ropey cum gulping whores.
mafme | August 11, 2010 at 12:09 pm
VICTOLY!
sean | August 10, 2010 at 1:27 pm
He looks like a fool with those tattoos all over his arm.
dudeatdudedotdude | August 10, 2010 at 2:14 pm
lol say that to his face when he comes to your house
President Obama's Mamma | August 10, 2010 at 1:30 pm
I always thought of him as more of a BIG girl! Shocking!
lolocaust | August 10, 2010 at 1:32 pm
eighth
Crusty | August 10, 2010 at 1:37 pm
Shaq shoots free throws like a 12 year old girl.
Drew | August 10, 2010 at 2:03 pm
I picture him busting through the door yelling SHAQ ATTAQ MOTHA FUCKA
Then the cuffs get slapped on you.
Jen | August 10, 2010 at 3:03 pm
YES!
eatme | August 10, 2010 at 2:12 pm
wow, if this is a real transcript then Shaq clearly has the iq of a 12 year old girl.
cc | August 11, 2010 at 8:06 am
I was thinking the same thing….good thing he was huge and could play basketball.
Stay Puft Overlord | August 10, 2010 at 2:26 pm
If only they would have a Steven Seagal: Lawman crossover with Shaq’s “catch a predator” show.
Stay Puft Overlord | August 10, 2010 at 2:26 pm
BUSTS THROUGH PREDATORS FRONT DOOR
Shaq: Hey, it’s me Tanya!
Predator: Woah! It’s Steven Seagal!
Shaq: Bitch, I’m a twelve year old girl named Tanya!
Predator: Mr. Seagal, I’ve watched all of your movies.
Steven: So you can look at me as Steven Seagal a movie star and say, ‘Hey, Steven Seagal movie star,’ or you can wipe that s*@# out of your mind and say, ‘Steven Seagal can save my life.’
Predator: Whah?
Shaq: Oh so now you wanna act like you don’t know Tanya?!
RIPS PREDATORS HEAD OFF
Steven: He’s not a Zen Master.
Roughologie | August 10, 2010 at 2:34 pm
Bit disappointed “Mr jingles” didn’t crawl out of his pocket during the interview…
vald bagina | August 10, 2010 at 3:50 pm
like the drink, only not spelled the same
Karen Jackson | August 10, 2010 at 2:39 pm
Anyone remember Grape Ape from Saturday morning cartoons?
I think we found him, although he seems to have stopped by the tattoo parlor.
Hey here’s a question: why do black people get tattoos? The ink barely shows, they look like jackasses when they do it. Just another attempt to look like the white man.
Drew | August 10, 2010 at 3:34 pm
It’s more effective (and in turn, funny) when racism is subtle. Don’t try so hard.
Karen Jackson | August 10, 2010 at 3:20 pm
Except for their dicks. Black guys don’t want small guy dicks.
Amy | August 10, 2010 at 3:34 pm
This has to be the most awesome thing I’ve ever heard. I love him even more now.
Eric | August 10, 2010 at 3:50 pm
This is a funny recounting of a years-old story:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaquille_O'Neal#Law_enforcement
hari | August 10, 2010 at 3:55 pm
Darwin Police…. fucking brilliant
key | August 10, 2010 at 4:23 pm
What’s with every black man and woman suddenly thinking it’s mandatory to deface themselves with tats everywhere??? Must be a self esteem issue, which makes perfect sense.
Hecubus | August 10, 2010 at 5:58 pm
This would be enough to convince me to stop grooming 12 year olds online if I hadn’t played Shaq Fu on the Sega Genesis. I can rest easy knowing were this guy to try anything, half his punches wouldn’t connect for some inexplicable reason and he could be easily knocked out by crouching in a corner and repeatedly kicking.
@Key, agreed. Barack Obama, Michelle Bombshell Mcgee, Evan Seinfeld, Angelina Jolie, Dave Chappelle, Kat Von D, Amy Winehouse …. what is it with these blacks and their obsession with tattoos??
Brooke | August 10, 2010 at 9:14 pm
That’s kind of awesome.
Queef | August 11, 2010 at 3:28 am
Shaq is awesome.
posterchild | August 11, 2010 at 5:23 am
let me get this straight,
Shaq is dating that 16 year old bieber and helping the darwin police
to catch cyberpedos? now that’s a way of getting rid of his competitors.
tanja und justin jesus fu**ing christ gimmi a break.
captain america | August 11, 2010 at 6:28 am
………..even some black folks have VAGINA’S!!
ominous bob | August 11, 2010 at 8:07 pm
Overcompensating butt focker!
Jack in the box? Shak in da buttox.
Shaddup foo.
ominous bob | August 11, 2010 at 8:12 pm
Seventy-twelfth, btw, mother fockers.