Shaq’s a 12-Year-Old Girl

August 10th, 2010 // 29 Comments

In probably the greatest transition ever, Shaquille O’Neal goes from talking to Vanity Fair about his friendship with Justin Bieber to his secret career catching cyber-predators by pretending to be a 12-year-old girl. And, yes, I’m talking about the large black man up there:

As long as you stay on the right side, you’ll be fine. For the last seven years, I’ve been a detective for Internet crimes against children. So if you ever see me, you know we’ve got you. If we come to your house, it’s all over. You’re going to be arrested. You’ve been having Internet conversations with me, and we’ve got all the evidence we need to take you down.
What’s your arrest catchphrase?
My catchphrase? Like a motto?
What do you say when you’re roughing up a perp? “On the floor, dirtbag!” “Book ‘em, Danno!” That kind of thing.
Well, uh. (Long pause.) My job is to be a little girl.
Come again?
I play a little girl on the Internet. So whatever name I’m going by, that will probably be my catchphrase. If I’m Tanya, then it’ll be something like, “Tanya says hello.” And they’ll be like, “Tanya who?” And I’ll say, “You don’t know no Tanya, huh? I’m Tanya. Let’s go.” And that’s when the cuffs get slapped on you.
I’d be less concerned with the handcuffs than the fact that a seven foot bald man just introduced himself as Tanya.
(Laughs.) Yeah, they don’t like that very much.

I’m pretty sure the last thing I ever expected to find out was that Shaq secretly pretends to be a lit- wait, did he just say Tanya? *chucks laptop in the river*

Thanks to Darwin Police who’d like you to take a seat right over there, please.

Photos: Splash News


  1. Karen

    First you ropey cum gulping whores.

  2. sean

    He looks like a fool with those tattoos all over his arm.

  3. President Obama's Mamma

    I always thought of him as more of a BIG girl! Shocking!

  4. lolocaust


  5. Crusty

    Shaq shoots free throws like a 12 year old girl.

  6. Drew

    I picture him busting through the door yelling SHAQ ATTAQ MOTHA FUCKA

    Then the cuffs get slapped on you.

  7. eatme

    wow, if this is a real transcript then Shaq clearly has the iq of a 12 year old girl.

  8. Stay Puft Overlord

    If only they would have a Steven Seagal: Lawman crossover with Shaq’s “catch a predator” show.

  9. Stay Puft Overlord

    Shaq: Hey, it’s me Tanya!
    Predator: Woah! It’s Steven Seagal!
    Shaq: Bitch, I’m a twelve year old girl named Tanya!
    Predator: Mr. Seagal, I’ve watched all of your movies.
    Steven: So you can look at me as Steven Seagal a movie star and say, ‘Hey, Steven Seagal movie star,’ or you can wipe that s*@# out of your mind and say, ‘Steven Seagal can save my life.’
    Predator: Whah?
    Shaq: Oh so now you wanna act like you don’t know Tanya?!
    Steven: He’s not a Zen Master.

  10. Roughologie

    Bit disappointed “Mr jingles” didn’t crawl out of his pocket during the interview…

  11. Karen Jackson

    Anyone remember Grape Ape from Saturday morning cartoons?

    I think we found him, although he seems to have stopped by the tattoo parlor.

    Hey here’s a question: why do black people get tattoos? The ink barely shows, they look like jackasses when they do it. Just another attempt to look like the white man.

  12. Karen Jackson

    Except for their dicks. Black guys don’t want small guy dicks.

  13. Amy

    This has to be the most awesome thing I’ve ever heard. I love him even more now.

  14. Eric

    This is a funny recounting of a years-old story:'Neal#Law_enforcement

  15. hari

    Darwin Police…. fucking brilliant

  16. key

    What’s with every black man and woman suddenly thinking it’s mandatory to deface themselves with tats everywhere??? Must be a self esteem issue, which makes perfect sense.

  17. Hecubus

    This would be enough to convince me to stop grooming 12 year olds online if I hadn’t played Shaq Fu on the Sega Genesis. I can rest easy knowing were this guy to try anything, half his punches wouldn’t connect for some inexplicable reason and he could be easily knocked out by crouching in a corner and repeatedly kicking.

    @Key, agreed. Barack Obama, Michelle Bombshell Mcgee, Evan Seinfeld, Angelina Jolie, Dave Chappelle, Kat Von D, Amy Winehouse …. what is it with these blacks and their obsession with tattoos??

  18. Brooke

    That’s kind of awesome.

  19. Queef

    Shaq is awesome.

  20. posterchild

    let me get this straight,
    Shaq is dating that 16 year old bieber and helping the darwin police
    to catch cyberpedos? now that’s a way of getting rid of his competitors.
    tanja und justin jesus fu**ing christ gimmi a break.

  21. captain america

    ………..even some black folks have VAGINA’S!!

  22. ominous bob

    Overcompensating butt focker!

    Jack in the box? Shak in da buttox.

    Shaddup foo.

  23. ominous bob

    Seventy-twelfth, btw, mother fockers.

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