A Sea Lion Tried To Murder Shakira

February 14th, 2012 // 45 Comments

I don’t usually post harrowing tales of survival in the face of impossible odds, but it’s not everyday I come across one involving a deadly sea lion with a taste for human butt-flesh. The world most know of this! People reports:

Shakira is nursing a few scrapes and hailing her brother as a hero after he saved her from a wild sea lion attack in Cape Town, South Africa.
The singer and her sibling spied some of the aquatic mammals on a tour Sunday afternoon and decided to get a bit closer to take pictures.
“Suddenly, one of them jumped out of the water so fast and impetuously that it got about one foot away from me, looked me in the eye, roared in fury and tried to bite me,” she wrote on Facebook. “I was paralyzed by fear and couldn’t move, I just kept eye contact with it while my brother ‘Super Tony’ jumped over me and literally saved my life, taking me away from the beast.”
Shakira believes the sea lion was confused by the shiny reflection of the Blackberry she used to take pictures. “It probably thought I was teasing it with food and then taking it away from it,” she said, adding that she and Tony suffered minor scratches on nearby rocks as they tried to escape.

Of course, Shakira clearly left out the part where she shook her ass at the sea lion while making Charo “cuchi-cuchi” noises making the kill entirely justified. But on a serious note, a murderous creature that knows its way around water? Nancy Grace should probably take a look at this. I’ll dust for prints.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Getty, Pacific Coast News


  1. There’s a seal joke in here someplace.

  2. Schmidtler

    good thing that dumb animal didn’t mess up Shakira’s sweet, sweet ass, otherwise I’d have to go out and strangle every goddamned last sealion on the planet for revenge.

  3. Captain Evil

    The Sea Lion failed, activate The Panda.

  4. EricLr

    He must have heard her music.

  5. Better have “Super Tony” check out the penquins behind her.

  6. dnkypunch

    Hey that Sea Lion was me. Sorry just got caught up in the moment, so I tried to bite Shikira’s ass wouldn’t you?

  7. Armando

    Obviously the sea lion was used to being photographed professionally. Twas the unflattering angle that offended it.

  8. …That’s what happens when you feed this sea lion dudes Viagra.

  9. Son of a Dude

    Sea Lions natural prey is the attention whore. Its why you never see Kim Kardashian next to one.

  10. djb

    Oh those impetuous sea lions

  11. Shakira Cleavage NRJ Music Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Now that is what an adult woman shuld look like.

  12. Natures Hit Squad

    Would have got her if it wasn’t for that meddling Tony. Your next Aguilera.

  13. Deacon Jones

    I have no pity for people that try to sneak too close to animals that can rip their throats out,

    The Japs are the worst. Always trying to get a better camera shot. Whether you’re in Yellowstone or the Serengeti, those fuckers are always jumping barriers or getting out of Land Rovers and end up getting mauled by a fucking bear or something.

    Check out that video on Youtube of the Japanese tourist getting his face ripped off by the lion, he walks right up to the fucking thing.

    • Schmidtler

      I bet if we all pooled our money, we could buy a prepaid safari trip and a camera with no zoom feature for the Kardashian sisters.

  14. cc

    I gave that sea lion 12 tins of sardines to do this and that guy fucks it up.

  15. ReaderLeafer

    Nice to see Brittany Murphy and Elijah Wood dancing in celebration in the background.

  16. i am no musician. however, i would bang her like a drum.

  17. I heard it was an angry Seal who thought its camera was his.

  18. Shakira Penguins Twitter
    Commented on this photo:

    “natural” is a long way from her best look.

  19. AdamG

    I will find this sea lion, murder it and its pups!

  20. lils

    That’s what she gets for go around singing she’s a wolf, she’s insane and she wants to get scratched and bitten. Poor Sea Lion was just a fan who wanted to please her.

  21. forrest gump

    he wasn’t hetero sexual?

  22. quickrick

    sealion should have fucking devoured her! what’s she doing near one in the first place…

  23. Brian

    Whoever writes for this site is hilarious ! ! !

  24. anon


  25. CranAppleSnapple

    MK photoshopped in a hilarious rabid looking seabeast. “It’s coming right for us!”

  26. Always say cunt

    She is just about perfect

  27. Shakira Cleavage NRJ Music Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow. Very hot indeed.

  28. Brooke

    It’s cute that she convinced herself the cute little seal just wanted some food. For the record, carnivores are very protective of their herds, and Shakira is a fucking moron. You would enter a lion’s pride, and there is a reason they are called sea lions…

  29. londinium

    That picture is Boulders Beach and I’m guessing the seal (I’m 99% sure there are no Sea Lions in Cape Town) will be in Simonstown.

    I’m guessing this because I’ve been on that tour myself. And I’m a fucking fat no mark brit.

    Ergo, saddest thing is that she’s been on the same tour I have.

  30. a_sourgirl

    See that’s what happens when you use a shitty phone like Blackberry.

  31. Daasd

    Please ecxuse me, but I couldnt help but to ask I love your eyeshadow organizer sitting on your dresser May I ask where did you buy that from?

  32. Shakira Cleavage NRJ Music Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    She will look like Rosie Perez in 15 years.

  33. Shakira Cleavage NRJ Music Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s what bellydancing will do for your body

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