Selena Gomez Is Probably Hooking Up With The Weeknd

Right now even I need to be distracted by whatever the hell is happening to America, so let’s all focus on who Selena Gomez is currently having sex with because, according to TMZ, it’s probably The Weeknd who I literally only know from all the sex he used to have with Bella Hadid. We’re a sophisticated operation. The important thing is she’s not rebounding with Justin Bieber again, so it’s only getting easier to ship him in a crate back to Canada. I already laid a trap full of puppies to give away when he’s bored with them and Pokemon. Kids love Pokemon, right? Look at the little Jigglypuff! (Is he in? PULL THE STRING.)

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