Selena Gomez Is Proposing To Justin Bieber

December 13th, 2011 // 65 Comments
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For centuries, women have been trying to figure out how to trick a man into marrying them. Even ones with giant breasts find themselves desperate and alone with nothing but their giant breasts. But all that’s changed. Apparently Selena Gomez has cracked the Rubik’s cube of engagement by proposing to Justin Bieber herself while he’s only 17 and willing to do literally anything for a handjob. He’ll probably say yes before she even opens the ring. The National Enquirer reports:

The 19-year-old Disney star knows a proposal will show Justin, who was recently hit with an ugly paternity lawsuit, that she’ll always stand by him, sources say.
“Selena is crazy about Justin, and she hates seeing him so upset over the paternity allegations,” a friend revealed.
“He’s been on edge thinking Selena might leave him, so she wants to get him a ring to show that she’s with him for the long haul.”

And in case this post report wasn’t questionable enough, Justin’s mom is apparently onboard because he’s been trying to knock up Selena so she won’t leave him, so it’s good to see kids are learning lessons from Teen Mom. “So that’s how I lock us into cage of pure psychological anguish together with no escape…”

“Pattie thinks Justin is talking about having kids partly because he’s afraid of losing Selena. But if Selena proposes, Pattie thinks Justin will feel more secure, and she’ll be able to talk them into putting off a wedding and kids.”

Clever plan except for the part where they get engaged and Justin still pokes holes in his condoms anyway because that’s how Jessica Alba kept her man. “I’mma name my kid Honor, too, and everything. Yo, moms, you seen my sewing needles?”

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Splash News

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  1. Dan

    I cannot wait to see how this turns out…

  2. Dude of Dudes

    But it’s traditional to propose to the girl.

    • Jackie

      Love her, she is so pretty and should be blessed with a baby. He is one lucky father and TallMatch.net was amazing

  3. Richard McBeef

    don’t care if she’s 17, bitch looks like she’s 13 and she probably fucks like it too.

    • AA

      she’s 19.

    • Davegeek

      We can only hope.

      • Richard McBeef

        There is always that jackass that has to post “she’s 19″ to justify his pedo fantasies. Bitch can be 47 for all I care. She looks like she’s 13.

        anyways, take this old sock, wipe it up before it dries, and then immerse yourself in shame.

    • Rapax

      So now you’re a pedo because you have fantasies over someone who LOOKS underage? God you’re stupid.

      • Richard McBeef

        It’s a legal outlet for pedo urges — legal chicks that look like 13 year olds. The state says you can’t bang 13 year olds. So you just bang 19 year olds that look 13. Hey, man whatever gets you off. As long as it’s legal of course.

      • Schmidtler

        McBeef is into Grannie Pron!
        hey, we all have our thing. mine is peg legged asian biker broads. If McBeef likes the grannies, who are we to judge?

      • Cock Dr

        I have it on good authority that Mr Burger has a hardon for Taylor Momsen, or anything with a pulse vaguely resembling Taylor Momsen.

      • Richard McBeef

        lol, doctor.

      • kimmykimkim

        Granny Pron? Hmm, I’ve never heard of pron before! Sounds exciting. Hey, Beefy, let’s get our pron on! I resemble Taylor Momsen about 0%.

      • Richard McBeef

        Lemme punch you in the fucking face a couple times and you’ll at least have the eyes, KKK. That’s pretty much all I want out that Momsen bitch anyway.

      • CranAppleSnapple

        @Rapax, YES. You agree she looks underage and you fantasize about her? That’s a PEDO.

      • kimmykimkim

        Hmm, tempting. But I’ll have to pass.

      • Richard McBeef

        *removes notepad from pocket, checks the “no” box next to “does she like being punched in the face?”*

      • Daniel

        In California they are going to start having to teach their High School student all about famous pedos in History Class. People are crazy!

      • kimmykimkim

        Hahahaha! Beefy!

  4. Frank Burns

    Ugh. Tired of these two. Every picture of them seems like a Disney version of “To Catch A Predator”.

  5. Bonky

    First off this story has to be complete crap. Second, why would these two kids be thinking about all this complicated stuff after only dating a few months. This is just ridiculous.

  6. Schmidtler

    I thought gay marriage was only for same sex couples?

  7. The Critical Crassness

    Ah yes,Fish posts another wildly imaginative pile of bullshit from that bastion of truth in reporting, “The National Enquirer”. This is sure to become a classic. BTW: The brunette seen in the pictures of Selena at the airport (Pic #5) is Sel’s mom, Mandy, whose marriage to Sel’s Dad , Ricardo failed after only five years…she was barely 20 at the time…

  8. If this is true, I’m sure what won her heart was the manly way he wears a grown-up’s baseball cap.

  9. Cock Dr

    I think it’s great that in Canada these 2 lil lesbians can pledge their troth til death do they part.

  10. katja

    OMFGGGGG There 19 and 17!!!!!!! you don’t get married for reasons like that at all!

    • Maggie

      Yes, you do, if you want to get rid of your controlling parents, or maybe she’s pregnant. They wouldn’t be the first celebrity couple to have a shotgun wedding.

  11. They go together like maple syrup on a breakfast burrito.

  12. Bob

    She’s just trying to tie him down because she knows that when he turns 18 he’s hitting the strange every night of the week.

    • Schmidtler

      I’m not hip to the lingo you youngsters use these days – when you say ‘strange’, you mean ‘Usher’s anus’, right?

    • Because 17-year-old boys are known for keeping it in their pants until they’re legal? Especially when they come from countries (like Canada) where 16 is legal? Yeah…and leprechauns and unicorns exist, too.

    • Venom

      Why the fuck would he have to wait?
      Does some magical key from God come down from the sky and unlock his penis at 18 or something?

  13. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez
    Bob
    Commented on this photo:

    Uh-oh. Looks like Samantha Ronson is making her move on the Bieb’s girl!

  14. Raul Aguilar

    I heard he’s Canadian and she’s Mexican, will the weddiing be Spain?

  15. kimmykimkim

    I’m really confused about who has the testicles here.

  16. Lynn

    Whoa what a difference make up does. She looks homely in some of these shots. Justin looks way prettier.

  17. Roughen

    Was my black widow plot line that controversial?

  18. San Diego Plumbing

    Good lord, he still looks like a child. Wait awhile, people! At least until he can grow facial hair.

  19. Roughen

    You boys banned me? I was wondering why it took you so long. So much for free speech.

  20. Roughen

    I thought you guy didn’t care? How do you banned someone who’s not bothering anyone or being overtly sexual? This could nt be hypocrisy could it?

  21. Roughen

    I knew something was wrong when I couldn’t respond to garbage man.

  22. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez
    jess
    Commented on this photo:

    anyone else notice the ring on her ring finger?

  23. CranAppleSnapple

    Echo… echo… echo..
    Fail.. fail.. fail… ;)

  24. TheListener

    Considering the source of this story is the National Enquirer, I’ll take it with a grain of salt.

  25. Oz Matters

    Strange, its normally the cactus that has a little prick on its back.

  26. Venom

    Tired of hearing about this little prick.

  27. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez
    BAHAH
    Commented on this photo:

    Fuck off, Justin.

  28. Where’s the beefy…I mean Roughen. Jeebus. Get over yourself, dude. Seriously.

  29. forrest gump

    they wanna talk like adults doa?
    what is this?

    THESE KIDS ARE STILL IN PUBERTY, folks!!

  30. Ricky

    LOL,

    stupid beards

    and their stupid gay celebrities.

  31. Freebie

    Just goes to show you again – having lots and lots of money doesn’t make you smart

  32. fx

    Please. Men are such losers today it’s the other way around.

  33. Even the cactus got a boner…

  34. Karolina

    I cannot believe people actually this stuff like this is real. Uh, HELLO? This is totally made up to get people to read this..

  35. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez
    Commented on this photo:

    did selena gomez and justin beiber really get married if they did thats nasty because it is with justin bieber and sweet because thats great

  36. breiana

    have they even been on a hunny moon

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