For centuries, women have been trying to figure out how to trick a man into marrying them. Even ones with giant breasts find themselves desperate and alone with nothing but their giant breasts. But all that’s changed. Apparently Selena Gomez has cracked the Rubik’s cube of engagement by proposing to Justin Bieber herself while he’s only 17 and willing to do literally anything for a handjob. He’ll probably say yes before she even opens the ring. The National Enquirer reports:
The 19-year-old Disney star knows a proposal will show Justin, who was recently hit with an ugly paternity lawsuit, that she’ll always stand by him, sources say.
“Selena is crazy about Justin, and she hates seeing him so upset over the paternity allegations,” a friend revealed.
“He’s been on edge thinking Selena might leave him, so she wants to get him a ring to show that she’s with him for the long haul.”
And in case this post report wasn’t questionable enough, Justin’s mom is apparently onboard because he’s been trying to knock up Selena so she won’t leave him, so it’s good to see kids are learning lessons from Teen Mom. “So that’s how I lock us into cage of pure psychological anguish together with no escape…”
“Pattie thinks Justin is talking about having kids partly because he’s afraid of losing Selena. But if Selena proposes, Pattie thinks Justin will feel more secure, and she’ll be able to talk them into putting off a wedding and kids.”
Clever plan except for the part where they get engaged and Justin still pokes holes in his condoms anyway because that’s how Jessica Alba kept her man. “I’mma name my kid Honor, too, and everything. Yo, moms, you seen my sewing needles?”