Justin Bieber’s Confiscated Phone Probably Has A Bunch Of Naked Pics On It

January 16th, 2014 // 36 Comments
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“Sounds like this might be – *puts on sunglasses* – a minor setback.”

When the police raided Justin Bieber‘s home on Tuesday, commenter joe made an incredibly astute observation that filled all those who read it with unparalleled levels of hope and optimism for the future:

I bet that douche has a million nudie pics that his dipshit fans send him. Wonder how many aren’t quite 18 yet?

From there, I proceeded to throw salt over my shoulder, rub my lucky socks, kiss a rosary, play a fife with the devil, and basically do whatever superstitious horseshit I could think of to make that prediction become a reality. Which apparently worked, so if you’ll excuse me, I have Kelly Brook‘s breasts to conjure into my face. BALTHAZAR GETTY! TMZ reports:

Law enforcement sources tell us … when they searched Justin’s house Tuesday, they seized his cell phone … took it right out of his hot little hands. Sources say cops are interested in texts that could incriminate him. Cops want to see if he texted someone after the fact and bragged about the egging. One law enforcement source called it a “text high 5.”
Sources tell us … he’s concerned more about drug discussions and references. Even if cops find drug references, Justin’s in the clear given there’s no physical evidence — nonetheless J.B. is afraid it will leak out.
We’re told he’s also concerned that there are naked photos in his phone, although we don’t know if they’re action shots, selfies, etc.

Considering this is a kid who’s already shoved iPhones down his pants and been filmed sleeping by a hooker, I’m going to say it’s a safe bet his phone is loaded with naked shit presumably of Tati Neves and/or the conveniently vanished Selena Gomez. Which would be awesome if it’s that last one and they’re leaked all over the Internet so I can phone it in for the next five years, but I’ll gladly settle for a selfie at Mariah Yeater‘s first ultrasound. You know, if God wants to prove he’s real. His call.

Photos: Getty, DESI/AKM-GSI


  1. I’ve never said these words before: I can’t wait for the next Biber update.

  2. Mohawk Disco

    Ahhh, the long awaited Bieber meltdown has begun! *leans back in chair, puts up feet, opens beer, starts looking at monitor with anticipation*

    • Randal

      Um. Knock-knock, hello? Are you there @ The F!SH. What is up with these Tati Neves photos you keep attaching along with Justin Bieber’s commentary?

      First of all, there is no way he would even associate himself with such a fist beaten looking woman, and second of all, see the first point! Someone putting money in your pockets, trying to get her some more exposure?

      You really need to censor that.


      • Occam’s Razor:
        No one here wants to click on pics of Justin Bieber, but they will click on bikini pics of huge Brazilian asses. I’ve done the math.

      • Johnny Barbells

        …why do you let him get to you?

      • D-chi

        You’re not the real Randall. The real Randall would never talk that way about a woman. He would comment on Tati’s “beautiful figure” and “luscious lips” or something. And maybe encourage JBiebz to make better decisions in the future.

  3. alex

    I’m still very proud of this young man and his mustache.

  4. Smapdi

    That’s good news for Usher fans.

  5. Where's Dildo

    And on that day, Justin was terrified of the prospect of people seeing his photographs. But none made him quiver more than that of him with his lesbian hair-cut, little peach moustache, and his mothers best red work blazer.

  6. Swearin

    It would awesomely ironic if the boy-who-wants-to-be-Michael gets busted for having naked pictures of underage girls (or boys?) on his cell phone.

    But as cool as that would be, I’d rather have Selena Gomez nudes.

  7. joe

    I know the world has become weird when I’m more proud of being cited by Fish than when my dissertation was cited.

  8. Mitch

    Looks like all the estrogen in his system is making that moustache come in a little soft.

  9. The idiot sheriff who runs the police in that area actually said he wanted to bring a motherfucking SWAT team along with the dozen detectives and 11 squad cars.

    Thompson noted that Bieber’s property measures 10,000-square feet, with has a large garage and guesthouse, and said that two of the singer’s bodyguards have criminal records and one was armed. “And we had no idea how many people were in that house. He [Bieber] has had so many people in there before — some tied to guns, drugs and all kinds of things.

    “The decision was based on how many people to expect, which we didn’t know, and it was also based on previous contacts, which have always been negative. I stand by my decision,” said Thompson, who added that while there were 12 detectives on the scene, there were at least seven people at the house. “… Those odds aren’t that good.”

    Lt. David Thompson you are pure garbage.

  10. “.. play a fife with the devil… ”

    Holy HELL that made me laugh!!!! Most come here for the pictures, I come for this kind of commentary. May God (or whatever deity you believe in – er do you?) bless you for all the days of your life.

  11. Before we get our hopes up that Bieber will go down for child porn, remember that Lindsay Lohan has been killing people and snorting enough cocaine to kill Tony Montana 3 times over for a decade now, and she’s still roaming the streets without a care in the world. So until Bieber rapes the pope with a 3 year old while smoking a blunt made from puppy skin, he’s not going anywhere :(

    • Format Your Phone

      “Bieb” money may be able to buy off drug charges for now, but…
      Pictures of underage girls (and boys) may exceed his Pop Star grasp.

      I’m guessing Bieb pudding will be very popular in Canadian lockup.
      Guys will be lining up for months, to get a taste…

  12. “Sounds like this might be – *puts on sunglasses* – a shell game.”
    “Looks like I may have – *puts on sunglasses* – egg on my face.”
    “Maybe this time – *puts on sunglasses* – the yolks on me.”
    Uh…sorry…I’ll put my keyboard away now…

    • Swearin

      “Here’s hoping the case against me goes – *puts on sunglasses* – over easy.”
      “Guess what? I’m the chicken – *puts on sunglasses* – before the eggs.”
      “Of course they’d send the bacon – *puts on sunglasses* – to find the eggs.”

  13. Cock Dr

    Someone in law enforcement office will succumb 2 greed & violate all standards of professional conduct. If there is anything worth seeing it will get out.

  14. Please let there be Selena Gomez nudes. Please let there be Selena Gomez nudes. Please let there be Selena Gomez nudes.

  15. cc

    I wouldn’t mind seeing Ms Gomez, but from a karmic justice standpoint, I’d laugh myself quite possibly to death if the pics are of him and another man/boy.

  16. right

    Don’t be surprised if there are naked pics of Miranda Kerr from late 2012/ early 2013

  17. I assume his house is in L.A.?. As a celebrity, he could have photos of him running a Michael Vick -esque baby fighting ring (like dog fighting but with babies) and he wouldn’t even get probation in L.A.

  18. Unfortunately the pictures are all of him.

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