Selena Gomez Will Straighten Justin Bieber Out

July 11th, 2013 // 26 Comments
Piss Heard 'Round The World
Justin Bieber Pissing Mop Bucket
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“Ohmygod why is this wet?!”
“At least it’s not a mop bucket.”

Yesterday, the Internet got to watch as a most likely drunk Justin Bieber pissed into a restaurant’s mop bucket as his crew told everyone watching that they should be thanking him for the memory they’ll remember for the rest of their lives. (Even more offensively, they called themselves the “Wild Kidz.”) Needless to say there was some.. splash-back. *high fives self* Since then, his mom has snapped his handlers into full recovery mode and in the past 12 hours they’ve already spewed out the following bullshit:

Selena Gomez Is Going To Make Everything All Better

Selena Gomez is back with Justin, and while that more than likely has to do with her new album dropping in two weeks, his people want you to believe it’s to straighten him out with her vagina. TMZ reports:

According to sources, Selena had firmly resisted reuniting with Justin after their most recent breakup because he and his friends have been acting like raging self-entitled jackasses the last few months — smoking pot, speeding around in expensive cars, and pissing in mop buckets.
But Justin — being the Casanova that he is — was able to change her mind … and on July 4th, we’re told he won her back by promising to change his douche ways. Apparently, Selena bought it.
We’re told JB and his “Wild Kidz” goons have taken notice of the public backlash against their ridiculous behavior — hard not to — and they all decided to clean up their acts.

Here’s how well that’s worked:

Lil Twist — Justin Bieber’s lackey — was ARRESTED for DUI in Calabasas, CA early this morning … while behind the wheel of Justin’s famous chromed- out Fisker Karma … TMZ has learned.

Fortunately, this didn’t happen within hours of Justin Bieber calling Bill Clinton to apologize and promising to choose better friends. Except oh, wait:

Bill Clinton Gave Justin Bieber A Good Talking To

Via Extra:

Justin first tweeted an apology, “@billclinton thanks for taking the time to talk Mr. President. Your words meant alot. #greatguy.”
Sources close to the “Beauty and a Beat” singer tell “Extra” that prior to this tweet, Justin reached out to Clinton and apologized for disrespecting him. The two, who have met before, reportedly had a great conversation.
The source continued to reveal that Clinton accepted Justin’s apology and told the pop star to be conscious of the friends he keeps and to focus on the good work he is doing.

I really could have done without knowing Bill Clinton has enough time in his day to take phone calls from Justin Bieber, so I’m just going to tell myself he thought it was Miley Cyrus and jump right to the last piece of bullshit.

Justin Bieber Is Just A Humble Christian Trying To Serve The Lord, Yo

Before any of the horseshit above, Justin tweeted the following and be sure to note not only the lack of the word “sorry,” but the blame on everyone else for “tearing him down” for simply pissing in a man’s mop bucket and expecting him to thank him for it:

In life u will make mistakes and people will try and tear u down…but u gotta stay positive. Stay strong..and learn to be better..and..
…always live to serve others and The Lord. #growingeveryday

#growingeveryday, huh? That’s an interesting way of wording your Christ-like actions just this year alone:

Pot smoking.
Grabbing fan’s tits.
Blaming black people for said pot smoking.
Throwing a hissy fit because you couldn’t illegally get into a club.
Threatening to “fuck up” the paparazzi.
Boasting about your wealth compared to Lindsay Lohan’s.
Threatening to “fuck up” your neighbors after they asked you to stop speeding in a residential neighborhood.
Wishing Anne Frank was a Belieber.
Robbery.
Trying to illegally enter a club again.
Recording a promotional spot high as shit.
And pissing in a mop bucket.

Although, in fairness, this does read exactly like Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, so shit. I stand corrected.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin

superficial

  1. Cock Dr

    Just another punk professing to love Jeebus when the shitstorm of bad publicity begins to drag down the pop music profit margin.
    Selena Gomez is either a fool or an industry whore.

  2. JC

    It’s really too bad he didn’t disrespect former VP Cheney instead of Clinton. The little twatwaffle would be in some godforsaken CIA black site with his balls wired up to a car battery.

  3. This kid is onto something. I am pissing in all the buckets at work today. So far I’ve gotten calls from Selena Roberts, a woman with lots of cats who says she’s Selina Kyle and the campus police. Things are looking promising.

  4. The Illuminati Did It

    If he’s a Christian why does he have tatoos. Doesn’t he realize that that’s just as big of a sin as “man-laying-with-another-man” in his fake sky god’s eyes?

    Oh, I forgot, he’s a Christian. They cherry pick whats in thier little novel as they go along.

  5. pavement_smear

    Jesus turned water into wine; the Maple Christ drops his wine into water. It’s a bieberbaptism, yo!

  6. Selena Gomez Bikini Justin Bieber
    papastryfe
    Commented on this photo:

    This absorbs maple-semen way better than Sham-Wow!

  7. So she fell for the; “I keep getting into trouble because you’re not with me anymore, and I just get wild and out of control without you”, line. I’ll bet it went along with ” I only get BJs from the girls backstage while I’m on the road, and since that’s not real sex, I’ve been celibate since we broke up.”

  8. “I really could have done without knowing Bill Clinton has enough time in his day to take phone calls from Justin Bieber”
    I agree but also have time to be here reading this about… maybe if we stop then no more Justin to bug Bubba?

  9. BB

    Condolences, Selena, on being a fucking retard and for everything that entails (eg. association with other fucktards like Justin Bieber). So sad.

  10. I know Mary Magdalene would’ve been a Belieber.

  11. Smug Christians….they really make we want to vomit into a mop bucket.

  12. Swearin

    So class, what did we learn today? That dumb, rich girls will continue to date dumb, rich boys because then they can continue to be dumb and rich together

  13. Boy, he’s really tempting fate by driving a car named “Karma.” By which I mean, “TEMPT HARDER, MOTHERFUCKER.”

  14. right

    This punk bitch and his entire crew deserve a beat-down

  15. kery

    He is a douche !! disgusting…

  16. I’m not saying I know Bill Clinton, but if I know Bill Clinton this is how it probably really went.

    “Listen you little cocksucker, if you really want me to accept your apology and not have you jet shot out of the sky by a drone, you better send that sweet little piece of ass Selena over to my house ASAP with a cheeseburger, a cigar and a coat with nothing on underneath.”

  17. Selena Gomez Bikini Justin Bieber
    King Doosher
    Commented on this photo:

    And then nobody gave a shit, and then what?

  18. Selena Gomez Bikini Justin Bieber
    Commented on this photo:

    “It’s feeding time Justin here’s your bib “

  19. skeep

    Except not. His buses pulled up in front of a club in our town, scouted 3 girls and brought them back to the bus for Justin. Then…blinds closed. Gross.

  20. #Liloisamoron

    Nothing like a bunch of 2 year old photos being posted to somehow prove that the Canadian Messiah is back with Selena…come on, Fish, even you can’t be that gullible…or maybe you can.

  21. MakeIt

    You know nobody cares about your music when you have to date JB to try to gain publicity for an upcoming album.

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