Selena Gomez Will Straighten Justin Bieber Out

“Ohmygod why is this wet?!”
“At least it’s not a mop bucket.”

Yesterday, the Internet got to watch as a most likely drunk Justin Bieber pissed into a restaurant’s mop bucket as his crew told everyone watching that they should be thanking him for the memory they’ll remember for the rest of their lives. (Even more offensively, they called themselves the “Wild Kidz.”) Needless to say there was some.. splash-back. *high fives self* Since then, his mom has snapped his handlers into full recovery mode and in the past 12 hours they’ve already spewed out the following bullshit:

Selena Gomez Is Going To Make Everything All Better

Selena Gomez is back with Justin, and while that more than likely has to do with her new album dropping in two weeks, his people want you to believe it’s to straighten him out with her vagina. TMZ reports:

According to sources, Selena had firmly resisted reuniting with Justin after their most recent breakup because he and his friends have been acting like raging self-entitled jackasses the last few months — smoking pot, speeding around in expensive cars, and pissing in mop buckets.
But Justin — being the Casanova that he is — was able to change her mind … and on July 4th, we’re told he won her back by promising to change his douche ways. Apparently, Selena bought it.
We’re told JB and his “Wild Kidz” goons have taken notice of the public backlash against their ridiculous behavior — hard not to — and they all decided to clean up their acts.

Here’s how well that’s worked:

Lil Twist — Justin Bieber’s lackey — was ARRESTED for DUI in Calabasas, CA early this morning … while behind the wheel of Justin’s famous chromed- out Fisker Karma … TMZ has learned.

Fortunately, this didn’t happen within hours of Justin Bieber calling Bill Clinton to apologize and promising to choose better friends. Except oh, wait:

Bill Clinton Gave Justin Bieber A Good Talking To

Via Extra:

Justin first tweeted an apology, “@billclinton thanks for taking the time to talk Mr. President. Your words meant alot. #greatguy.”
Sources close to the “Beauty and a Beat” singer tell “Extra” that prior to this tweet, Justin reached out to Clinton and apologized for disrespecting him. The two, who have met before, reportedly had a great conversation.
The source continued to reveal that Clinton accepted Justin’s apology and told the pop star to be conscious of the friends he keeps and to focus on the good work he is doing.

I really could have done without knowing Bill Clinton has enough time in his day to take phone calls from Justin Bieber, so I’m just going to tell myself he thought it was Miley Cyrus and jump right to the last piece of bullshit.

Justin Bieber Is Just A Humble Christian Trying To Serve The Lord, Yo

Before any of the horseshit above, Justin tweeted the following and be sure to note not only the lack of the word “sorry,” but the blame on everyone else for “tearing him down” for simply pissing in a man’s mop bucket and expecting him to thank him for it:

In life u will make mistakes and people will try and tear u down…but u gotta stay positive. Stay strong..and learn to be better..and..
…always live to serve others and The Lord. #growingeveryday

#growingeveryday, huh? That’s an interesting way of wording your Christ-like actions just this year alone:

Pot smoking.
Grabbing fan’s tits.
Blaming black people for said pot smoking.
Throwing a hissy fit because you couldn’t illegally get into a club.
Threatening to “fuck up” the paparazzi.
Boasting about your wealth compared to Lindsay Lohan’s.
Threatening to “fuck up” your neighbors after they asked you to stop speeding in a residential neighborhood.
Wishing Anne Frank was a Belieber.
Trying to illegally enter a club again.
Recording a promotional spot high as shit.
And pissing in a mop bucket.

Although, in fairness, this does read exactly like Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, so shit. I stand corrected.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin