Dear Valentine, Please Use Your Hollywood Money To Rocket Fox News Into The Sun

February 14th, 2014 // 69 Comments
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[Ed. Note: For the sake of this post, I'm assuming Selena Gomez is my Valentine which is neither creepy nor illegal. Also, this doll made out of her hair was here when I got here. - SW]

Dearest Valentine Who I Have Sex With In Real Life,

Last month, Elisabeth Hasselbeck literally asked with a straight face on live television if feminism and the wussification of men (one of the most bullshit topics of our generation because, gasp, the free market controlled by men made men stop acting like cavemen) is a national security threat which I foolishly thought would be the stupidest topic ever debated on Fox News after real, live White Santa and his BFF Aryan Jesus. But, sweet, sensual Valentine who I’ve showered with frequently and washed with various fruit-scented shampoos and loofahs, that was before yesterday when Elisabeth Hasselbeck found the real cause of our nation’s entitlement problem of not fucking poor people hard enough in the ass: Making little kids give everyone in the class a Valentine’s. My love, the greatest political minds of our time:

Should kindergarteners be forced to hand out the same, generic Valentine’s Day cards to every one of their classmates, whether they really love them or not? That’s the controversy that Fox & Friends took on Thursday morning one day before schools across the nation would face these types of difficult questions. “Is it such a bad thing if every child gets a Valentine’s Day card?” Elisabeth Hasselbeck asked her two guests.
“Valentine’s Day is about expressing your unique heartfelt feelings for your special loved one,” blogger Elizabeth Esther said. “To just robotically hand out, ‘Here’s your Valentine, here’s your Valentine.’ Like, what are we? It totally removes the meaning, the special memory for the kids. You can’t make life 100% fair.”

Valentine, I wish I could share this story of my life with you during one of our many post-coital snuggles as the sunlight reflects off my glistening chest to your never-touched-by-Justin Bieber body (Ha! The media. What won’t they print?), but such is our fate. I recall as a small child preparing Valentine’s Day cards for my classmates purchased in bulk from the nearest department store as they so often came. While I was writing the names – and dear voyeuristic reader, this tale is true – my mother, a staunch Christian conservative if there ever was one, commented on how nice it was that everyone in the class received a card because when she was in elementary school, you only brought in Valentine’s for whoever you wanted and children would go home crying when their Valentine’s boxes were empty. It’s a story that saddens me today as much as it did as a small boy. Why not make a holiday nice for elementary children who will soon be tossed into the pituitary meat grinder of high school? (Has my choice of words moistened you as it so often does? Later, my love, later.) What’s the harm? I’ll let Patton Oswalt explain it further in his interview with Esquire. (My love, quit pawing me, I’m writing on the computer box.)

I get so bummed out when I see a lot of these archconservatives saying, “They give these kids trophies just for playing. Those are loser trophies! You gotta teach ‘em!” If it makes you feel any better, they will end up an asshole, hard and cynical like you, trust me. Just give ‘em a few years. I’m sorry that no one gave you a childhood, but can’t they have a childhood? I don’t want more people like me. I want happier people that are more optimistic.

Of course, my love, with thinking like that, you’ll have Negroes living off the government dime, and then descend into anarchy which I believe is the point Fox News was trying to make only they did it more subtly because they lack the pussy flaps to just come right out and say its all niggers’ fault taxes come out of your paycheck. You can just tell they want to so damn bad it eats them alive at night. Anyway, this isn’t really romantical talk for a day such as this, so forgive me for baring my soul to you. If it’s any consolation, I feel like it’s brought us closer both spiritually and emotionally which will make all those times I penetrate you for hours on end without ejaculating (And, once, an entire day!) all the more intimate.

I shall love you to the end of my days, Selena Maria Gomez,

Prince Maximum Cockthunder IV

Photos: FameFlynet

superficial

  1. JC

    Hell, we even did the everybody-gets-a-Valentine thing when I was a kid, and I’m old as dirt. In fact, we did it even when Saint Regan was in office. Wait, does that mean, by allowing Socialist Valentine’s Day to happen, Reagan was a secret Commie? WHO WILL BE YOUR GOD NOW, CONSERVATIVES?!?

  2. TLDR very much, but I caught a bit of Rush Limbaugh a couple years ago where he was talking about some study in Europe about shrinking dick sizes. I believe the researchers were correlating it to pesticides and estrogen analog molecular shit, but Limbaugh said it was certainly the fault of feminism.

    • when a feminist starts screeching at you, wouldn’t your dick shrivel too?

    • Also, I’m not so sure about big fuckin’ trucks with mudflaps masculinity, but I do have to wonder why chicks dig skinny leg jean wearing pussy dudes that have no idea how a screwdriver works.

      • it’s just because they are on the fence if they should be lesbians or not….

      • Jimmy

        “I do have to wonder why chicks dig skinny leg jean wearing pussy dudes that have no idea how a screwdriver works.”

        Because operating a screwdriver is not really a skill, but a class marker. If a woman desires financial security, she’s pretty smart to find a man who has never had engage in a single moment of manual labor. You pay people to take care of life’s drudgery.

      • Bullshit. Creating or repairing something with your own two hands isn’t “life’s drudgery”, it’s taking pride in being able to do something for your own fucking self. You know who was in the business of paying people to do the menial shit? Royalty. And what happened to the aristocrat class? They’re all fading away because they can’t do a goddamn thing themselves, and therefore have nothing to contribute to society.

        Nice scarf, by the way, Jimmy.

      • brtn

        I love the idea that men no longer having to act like fucking animals is some kinda horror show. OH he can afford better clothes and knows which ones to wear with which? What a Fag. I am a dude that owns two pairs of pants, but don’t get all fucking mad cause some dude is more successful than you. You know what skinny jeans and a nice shirt get those dudes? Bags and bags of pussy.

      • WHAT? Are you trying to kill jobs???? My god, if everyone does everything themselves, then we won’t plumbers, or electricians or anyone!! Or whores…or anyone

      • Worthless around the house and a sense of being better than everyone else. I’m sure it’s attractive to cunts.

      • Jimmy is a pussy.

      • Mitch

        That’s the thinking pattern of superficial, clueless twats looking for a sugar daddy.

        My girlfriend was married to a douche who didn’t know one end of a screwdriver from the other and had to call someone every time a breaker tripped, a lightbulb went out or a car battery needed replacing.

        I, on the other hand can fix just about anything without having to “call someone”. She said that is an attractive trait as she knows that in the event that there is no one to call to fix something, she won’t be living like an animal in some third world shit hole.

        If a real civil war ever breaks out in this country, the feminized men will be hiding in basements like Frenchmen. Without the ability to protect themselves and their families they won’t last long and all that will be left in the end will be the real men who know how to use those screwdrivers.

      • thisguy

        Yes, definitely base your life decisions on the possibility of civil war….

      • Mitch

        First off, who said anything about making a life decision on the possibility of a civil war?

        Secondly, there are civil wars going on all over the world at this very moment. To think that it couldn’t happen here, again, is pure ignorance on your part. Humans have an uncanny knack for not learning from their past mistakes, and then repeating them.

        Now run along and watch that new episode of the Kardashians and eat your cheetos.

      • Mitch, you think too much.

      • Mitch

        Better to think things through, than to not think at all.

      • So, the only thing left will be a bunch of tools? And their screwdrivers?

      • Mitch

        Clearly, you and your skinny jeans won’t be there to find out.

      • i’m surprised jimmy could take a dick out of his mouth long enough to type that

    • Shrinking dick is caused by over use of opioid pain meds. Ask Rush. He has a micropenis because of his illegal Oxy use

  3. can we see Elisabeth Hasselfuck and Sarah Palin on two girls, one cup of intelligence? both sporting a Hershey mustache and a smile….

  4. anonz900

    TL:DR

    • JC

      If I didn’t have the mental capacity to get through a 700-word article, I don’t think I’d want to tell the world about it. But that’s just me.

  5. Deacon Jones

    Hey, the “wussification of men” is sadly, a truth.

    • This sentiment will rustle Fish’s jimmies to no end, but it’s true. Norway is a shining example of the pendulum having swung too far.

    • What does that even mean?
      What? We actually treat women with kindness and respect? We’re not out all the time picking fights?
      I really am at a loss to understand what the fuck you guys are on about. I have friends who are freaking smart, talented, athletic… one is building his own goddamn house, but you and the Fox morons I’m sure would label them as “wusses” because they aren’t domineering, aggressive loudmouth assholes.

      It’s a warped world view…they want to return to some bizarre wonderland of 1950′s lie living where the women didn’t wera pants! And the men all chain smoked and slapped their women around when they got out of line.
      Times change guys and we as humans evolve. Get used to it

    • But Jesus openly wept when he saw others in pain, and cried at death. Boy, Jesus sounds like a real pussy.

  6. You know in my teens and early 20s I liked to do beer bongs with my buds and we’d get drunk and probably end up doing fun things like who could take the hardest gut punch. If we weren’t doing that we’d be chasing tail. And of course we’d turn up Led Zeppelin and Lynyrd Skynyrd and Night Ranger and REAL LOUD!

    But then as I entered my mid-20s I suddenly, for some reason, decided that I needed to concentrate on building up some material worth for myself and my family. Sure I MIGHT get together with those same male buds I knew for BBQs or something or the other but all the swizzling beer and chasing tail just kinda stopped.

    The years go by and then one day I’m realizing that my tastes of music now runs along the lines of Tchaikovsky and Mozart and Chopin and Strauss and Beethoven and Bach and Brahms and so forth. AND GASP: I find myself attending symphonies and ballets where I find myself being brought to tears.

    Yet I don’t remember being told by the likes such as Naomi Klein or Gloria Steinem or Marlo Thomas or Alice Walker or others that I should be a wuss listening to Mozart.

    Did I mention that my family has a house in the woods that’s full of all kinds of critters and that we keep a rifle in that house because that’s just standard practice in places where people’s homes are separated by 1/8th to 1/4 or more miles rather than feet?

  7. malaka

    if i learned anything from the movie ‘animal house’,
    its that things and inanimate objects are sensual.
    people are sensuous.

  8. I think this is a first…Guys are actually commenting on the article, and not the picture, cuz other wise, the comments would be like, “I’d go balls deep” and shit. Ps: I’d go balls deep in Ryan Gosse…err, I mean, Selena Gomez…damn it, I was just wussified!!

  9. Selena Gomez Midriff Stomach
    Commented on this photo:

    Yes I would splooge all over that tummy.. you know because I hate condoms…

  10. Dear America:

    You’re Welcome.

    Love,
    Lucifer, Lord Of Hellfire

  11. Oh BABY

    You can only do that, Fish, if you send all of the liberal fucktard “journalists,” such as Brian Williams, with Fox news.

    Williams is an Obama administration dick licker and a disgrace to his profession. Kinda like you, Fish, but with a degree.

    • C’mon now, be fair. Fish has a degree.

    • JC

      Let’s not get crazy, here. Brian Williams reads from a teleprompter for evening network news, a medium that’s been irrelevant since the 1980s, if not before then, and usually features fluff pieces targeted at senior citizens. He is as relevant to real political discourse as the idiots at Fox are.

  12. Although I find both political parties to be of Satan, I find it funny that this Fish character seems to condemn Fox and Repubs. It’s pretty clear that he/she/it commentary is about as hypocritical as it gets. The obvious blind allegence to the liberal agenda just goes to show how moronic these comments are.

  13. alex

    I think it can be boiled down to a simple three word statement. It applies to everyone and all things. It is cherished by the people with the upper hand and hated by the “oppressed” with the lower hand. “LIFE ISN’T FAIR.” Once people understand this simple concept, it makes, “does everyone get a trophy or valentine?” question meaningless. If you know you got the trophy for participating, you should know that’s why you got it. Same with the valentines. And when someone get’s something extra for winning or being popular or being more genetically lucky by getting good looks, they will know they got it for some other reason than participation. It’s not like everyone doesn’t already know it.

    So if it makes the under-achiever happy, go for it, let them have their trophy….by it should be stamped with “Participant.”

    wow, I’m evil and harsh!

  14. PS: F*CK all y’all, I got this screen name!!!
    Thanks for the awesome idea Fish!

  15. D-chi

    Fox is sometimes an embarrassment to conservatives. Please don’t lump us with them.

  16. cmonreally

    Oh. My. GOD. Is this REALLY what they are wasting their fucking time reporting on? Fucking children passing out a card to everyone in class on Valentine’s Day?

    “Valentine’s should only be spent between people you really love, not a bunch of kids yadda yadda yadda” go fuck yourselves. It isn’t making kids any weaker to pass out a bunch of Valentines to the whole class. You know why? Kids don’t fucking read the Valentine’s Day cards, either the ones they give out OR the ones they receive. They go straight for the fucking candy that’s attached to said Valentine, and forget about that stupid shit about twenty minutes after they leave school.

    Just because these fuckjobs didn’t get Valentine’s Day cards when they were in elementary school because they were fat, ugly retards (seriously, I’ll bet they were the kids who always had to argue with the teacher in the middle of a lesson and I hated those shit stains), doesn’t mean kids today can’t get them. These people read more into situations than kids could even FATHOM reading into a situation.

    Calm your tits, Fox.

  17. PorchMonkey (I'm takin' it back)

    I really appreciate that you used the properly pluralized possessive form of “nigger” when you wrote “niggers’”, which is the possessive form of “niggers”, which is the plural of “nigger”.

    Also, your rambling post made pretty much no sense and I just skimmed it. I hate Fox News as much as the next honky, but you picked the wrong fight here. Try writing more like a normal person, and stop using that stupid Bieber voice and other weird gimmicks.

  18. Valentine’s Day is bullshit. It always was. Just another way to separate men from their money and make them beg for pussy as if they’re not already doing that.

  19. Fox and Friends, a combined IQ of maybe 120 amongst them with Hasselbeck contributing maybe 20 of those points. If Sarah Palin joined the panel it might crack 125.

  20. Everyone ought to take a Valium (or two) and sleep on this issue.

    BTW, Hasselbeck really is a stupid cunt!

  21. Wolfy

    I love how this hypocritical douche bag who’s Christian parents didn’t love him enough, apparently, gets to throw around the n-word because he’s a liberal spouting non-sense about our entitlement culture which his like-minded, moron political compatriots created and yells racial accusations for the reason sane people don’t want people feeling the government should take care of them their whole life. Yeah, because these policies have worked out so great in our society. You create a problem and then act indignant the minute anyone complains about it and ironically blame conservatives as the reason things are the way they are. Ugh, idiot, we are living in the world you liberals wanted…the rich are still rich (that’s Obama and Fed reserve), more people are on food stamps than ever, unemployment and the economy are stagnant, and instead of realizing you liberals made this bed, you are off to scream about the next important social injustice like warning labels on sodas. Great job.

    • “douchebag”
      “whose”
      “apparently didn’t love him enough,”
      “nonsense”
      “moronic”
      “created,”
      “…yells racial accusations for the reason sane people don’t want people feeling the government should take care of them their whole life.” — …what?
      “wanted:”

      Please see me after class.

    • Automation and outsourcing eliminated many of the jobs that helped working class people have at least a marginally decent life. I’m seeing a lot of fire but very little light here.

  22. selena is sexy.

  23. jamman

    What kind of idiot at this point, in this day and age, after all this bullshit that we’ve been put through, would possibly propose:

    the free market controlled by men made men stop acting like cavemen)

    1. There is no free market anywhere in this country anymore.
    2. If the “Free Market” did exist to claim it is ‘controlled by men’ would be claiming it is not free at all, but rater ‘controlled’.

    I’ve seen a lot of idiot f*cking libtards, but this one is actually contradicting himself with which insane imaginary bogeyman he is more afraid of, the pretend evil of the ‘free market’ or the pretend evil of the all powerful ‘white male’.

    What a douchebag.

  24. libbyliblibs

    Man you libs are a bucketful of ignorance spilled on a floor filled with dumb…

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