[Ed. Note: For the sake of this post, I’m assuming Selena Gomez is my Valentine which is neither creepy nor illegal. Also, this doll made out of her hair was here when I got here. – SW]
Dearest Valentine Who I Have Sex With In Real Life,
Last month, Elisabeth Hasselbeck literally asked with a straight face on live television if feminism and the wussification of men (one of the most bullshit topics of our generation because, gasp, the free market controlled by men made men stop acting like cavemen) is a national security threat which I foolishly thought would be the stupidest topic ever debated on Fox News after real, live White Santa and his BFF Aryan Jesus. But, sweet, sensual Valentine who I’ve showered with frequently and washed with various fruit-scented shampoos and loofahs, that was before yesterday when Elisabeth Hasselbeck found the real cause of our nation’s entitlement problem of not fucking poor people hard enough in the ass: Making little kids give everyone in the class a Valentine’s. My love, the greatest political minds of our time:
Should kindergarteners be forced to hand out the same, generic Valentine’s Day cards to every one of their classmates, whether they really love them or not? That’s the controversy that Fox & Friends took on Thursday morning one day before schools across the nation would face these types of difficult questions. “Is it such a bad thing if every child gets a Valentine’s Day card?” Elisabeth Hasselbeck asked her two guests.
“Valentine’s Day is about expressing your unique heartfelt feelings for your special loved one,” blogger Elizabeth Esther said. “To just robotically hand out, ‘Here’s your Valentine, here’s your Valentine.’ Like, what are we? It totally removes the meaning, the special memory for the kids. You can’t make life 100% fair.”
Valentine, I wish I could share this story of my life with you during one of our many post-coital snuggles as the sunlight reflects off my glistening chest to your never-touched-by-Justin Bieber body (Ha! The media. What won’t they print?), but such is our fate. I recall as a small child preparing Valentine’s Day cards for my classmates purchased in bulk from the nearest department store as they so often came. While I was writing the names – and dear voyeuristic reader, this tale is true – my mother, a staunch Christian conservative if there ever was one, commented on how nice it was that everyone in the class received a card because when she was in elementary school, you only brought in Valentine’s for whoever you wanted and children would go home crying when their Valentine’s boxes were empty. It’s a story that saddens me today as much as it did as a small boy. Why not make a holiday nice for elementary children who will soon be tossed into the pituitary meat grinder of high school? (Has my choice of words moistened you as it so often does? Later, my love, later.) What’s the harm? I’ll let Patton Oswalt explain it further in his interview with Esquire. (My love, quit pawing me, I’m writing on the computer box.)
I get so bummed out when I see a lot of these archconservatives saying, “They give these kids trophies just for playing. Those are loser trophies! You gotta teach ‘em!” If it makes you feel any better, they will end up an asshole, hard and cynical like you, trust me. Just give ‘em a few years. I’m sorry that no one gave you a childhood, but can’t they have a childhood? I don’t want more people like me. I want happier people that are more optimistic.
Of course, my love, with thinking like that, you’ll have Negroes living off the government dime, and then descend into anarchy which I believe is the point Fox News was trying to make only they did it more subtly because they lack the pussy flaps to just come right out and say its all niggers’ fault taxes come out of your paycheck. You can just tell they want to so damn bad it eats them alive at night. Anyway, this isn’t really romantical talk for a day such as this, so forgive me for baring my soul to you. If it’s any consolation, I feel like it’s brought us closer both spiritually and emotionally which will make all those times I penetrate you for hours on end without ejaculating (And, once, an entire day!) all the more intimate.
I shall love you to the end of my days, Selena Maria Gomez,
Prince Maximum Cockthunder IV