Sean Penn Almost Named His Son ‘Steak’

“I love cocaine! I meant my kids! I love these kids!”

For those of you who don’t know, Photo Boy isn’t my real name. That’s the moniker Fish and I finally compromised on after he fought hard for Tit Monkey, which in retrospect I probably should have gone with. Anyway, my parents named me Carmen Ribecca, which in a time when people are actually naming their kids Renesmee might not seem so bad until I tell you that the central PA town where I grew up has an unusually large Hispanic population. So I, a dude, share my first name with virtually all of my latino friends’ mothers and/or aunts and I have a last name that to this infuriating day still has customer service agents asking, “Ribecca is the last name?” So, it is with great empathy that I say to Hopper Penn, dude, you dodged a bullet on this one. Via Page Six:

Hopper Penn was almost of the victim of his father Sean Penn’s obsession with red meat. “My dad wanted to name me Steak, the food, because he loves it so much,” Hopper, now 22, revealed in Interview magazine’s Ones to Watch issue. But Hopper says his mother Robin Wright wasn’t keen on the idea.

Except here’s the part where that empathy turns into bitter scorn, because Hopper isn’t even trying to hide the fact that his silver spoon ass doesn’t belong on a Wayans brothers set, let alone starring in a fucking Cannes Film Festival selection:

Hopper got his acting start when his father coaxed him to star in May’s “The Last Face,” which Sean directed. “I asked if I could PA for it,” Hopper recalled. “He said, ‘No, you’re going to act in it.’ I said no, because I’m very shy; I didn’t know how to act. He said, ‘Well, you’ll get paid.’ So I was like, ‘I’m onboard.’ After the first day, I fell in love with it.”

Okay, maybe I’m being a little harsh. Who among us would turn down a sweet job just so we wouldn’t look like an entitled Hollywood twat? He’s probably a decent ki– What’s this now? Sure, I’ll check out this video. What could it possibly be?

Wow, he actually went with faggot and nigger. Has Mel Gibson completed casting on The Passion 2 yet? Because I sense the stars aligning here.

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