Scientology: it rids you of those overbearing alien souls that inhabit you body and keep you from reaching your full potential. But that’s not all! Scientology helped Tom Cruise get rid of all those pesky Hollywood friends and resources. It helped Kirstie Alley finally free herself from the shackles of sex-appeal (only to have the Cult of Jenny Craig come and muck things up). And it helped Jenna Elfman avoid the annoying pangs of self-awareness that would otherwise come from knowing you’re a fucking mindless tool. As you can see, it’s not just a cult. It’s scientifically proven to be a very effective celebrity support group. I mean, it has a word that sounds a lot like “science” right in the name. You can’t get any more legitimate than that! So who could possibly be better fit to cure Kate Moss of the drug addiction that’s threatening to ruin her career?
Obviously not those over-qualified rehabilitation scams.
jon | September 22, 2005 at 8:59 am
I have 12 scientology degrees, how dare you ridicule my religion. If you’d actually spend the time reading into scientology you’d understand that it’s not just a group of guys who miss lego, it’s a cult where we get to drink beer, kill animals and share Tom Cruise. And by share, i mean rape.
Horace H. Kempster | September 22, 2005 at 9:00 am
Yeah man, speak the word! Sign me up, you’re onto something! It’s like you’re saying all the things I’ve always wanted to, but my mind was too clouded with gas fumes to utter them. Can I donate? Where’s that damn sign-up sheet?
Keep me posted. I need clubs.
Proteon | September 22, 2005 at 9:30 am
Kate Moss sure looks like Jenna Elfman.
haggardtrish | September 22, 2005 at 9:32 am
What the hell ever happened to Jenna Elfman?
Proteon | September 22, 2005 at 9:36 am
She got Kate Mossisized.
Ms. Dilligaff | September 22, 2005 at 10:14 am
My fear is this: What if Kate is made up mostly of Thetans? Her Thetans could be the only thing still holding her tiny little body together. I don’t think the Scientologists should risk it.
Tommy Cruise | September 22, 2005 at 10:42 am
I do think Scientology could help in this case. Just a few weeks in an isolation chamber, and Kate would become so thin she’d disappear. Problem solved! We’d just have to make sure she hands over what’s left of her money first.
asherdeus | September 22, 2005 at 12:42 pm
Jenna Elfman? I thought she fell off and was never coming back? Oh yeah, she did.
Ava333 | September 22, 2005 at 1:39 pm
The reason Jenna Elfman and Kate Moss look alike is because they are Scientologists and the martians probably took their skin and put it on themselves…and obviously they snort coke…ya that is prolly it, not the martian thing…or wait…
Clance-man | September 22, 2005 at 2:53 pm
DON”T DO IT KATE! LOOK AWAY!
MrPloppy | September 22, 2005 at 3:44 pm
Everyone stop fucking with the scientologists. They have strange powers given to them by Zoltan
Ragin_Pope_Angus | September 22, 2005 at 4:34 pm
Jenna’s been up in the mothership.
mac2048 | September 22, 2005 at 5:55 pm
Scientology’s new theme song should come from the film Willy Wonka:
“come with me and you’ll be in a world of pure imagination…”
What a bunch of crazies. I’m usually not into taking the piss out of religion… usually…
sugarplum | September 22, 2005 at 7:28 pm
^^ I double that!!
Nazitology is more like it.
ZaZ | September 22, 2005 at 7:52 pm
Can Scientology help with that typo? Get on it.
BastardotheGreat | September 22, 2005 at 8:16 pm
Scientology, like every other god damned religion, is a waste of human potential.
Dawn7 | September 23, 2005 at 3:39 am
I think we are all aware that Tom Cruise is gay, and that Katie Holmes has a penis- and lip herpes.
Juliette | September 23, 2005 at 1:32 pm
If I hear Scientology one more time I am going to lose it!!!
sexydarin | September 24, 2005 at 4:14 am
Kate and Jenna have been through nuclear war man and the thetans are making them experience the nuclear holocaust time and again. Someday the thetans will be back. Mark my words. they will be back! So will L Ron Hubbard!
Kallisti | September 24, 2005 at 3:59 pm
I used to like Jenna Elfman until I started reading up on Scientology, its members, and some of the crazy shit they’ve said.
“AIDS is a state of mind…”:
http://www.scientology-kills.org/celebrities/elfman.htm
dizzydallas | September 25, 2005 at 6:03 am
I dont believe Kate Moss is a bisexual…isnt scientology the “church of bisexual” which we now know Scarlett Johansen is NOT>>>as she got off that ship…why did Tom not die in war of the worlds????think about it John Travolta…BI..traveled with his”lover” in his stayin alive period…Tom Cruise..well…Katie Holmes…come on a virgin perfect for sacrifice to the omni powers that be..
Queen LaQueefah | September 26, 2005 at 3:44 pm
I know Scientology cured my addiction to multiple regressions and barbiturates, but now I just can’t shake this rush of confidence I’ve been experiencing. Suddenly, I’m better than you…and you….aaaaaaand you too. Now that I know we’re descendants of aliens, I am invincible! I have seen the light! You are like, all trapped in the Matrix, or whatever. And because I’m an empty-headed diva-wannabe actress, the only cultural and historical references I can make come from movies made within the past ten years. I also saw Kinsey, so I know the history of Psychiatry to a “T”, I don’t need years of studying scientific research to cure Kate Moss, I can help her out, with little machines that tell her she’s stressed out and stuff like that. And like, that’s treatment
memory card reader | June 3, 2010 at 6:20 am
I am invincible! I have seen the light! You're like all trapped in the matrix or something.