Scientology wants to “help” Kate Moss

September 22nd, 2005 // 23 Comments

Crazy_Elfman.jpgScientology: it rids you of those overbearing alien souls that inhabit you body and keep you from reaching your full potential. But that’s not all! Scientology helped Tom Cruise get rid of all those pesky Hollywood friends and resources. It helped Kirstie Alley finally free herself from the shackles of sex-appeal (only to have the Cult of Jenny Craig come and muck things up). And it helped Jenna Elfman avoid the annoying pangs of self-awareness that would otherwise come from knowing you’re a fucking mindless tool. As you can see, it’s not just a cult. It’s scientifically proven to be a very effective celebrity support group. I mean, it has a word that sounds a lot like “science” right in the name. You can’t get any more legitimate than that! So who could possibly be better fit to cure Kate Moss of the drug addiction that’s threatening to ruin her career?

Obviously not those over-qualified rehabilitation scams.


  1. jon

    I have 12 scientology degrees, how dare you ridicule my religion. If you’d actually spend the time reading into scientology you’d understand that it’s not just a group of guys who miss lego, it’s a cult where we get to drink beer, kill animals and share Tom Cruise. And by share, i mean rape.

  2. Horace H. Kempster

    Yeah man, speak the word! Sign me up, you’re onto something! It’s like you’re saying all the things I’ve always wanted to, but my mind was too clouded with gas fumes to utter them. Can I donate? Where’s that damn sign-up sheet?

    Keep me posted. I need clubs.

  3. Proteon

    Kate Moss sure looks like Jenna Elfman.

  4. haggardtrish

    What the hell ever happened to Jenna Elfman?

  5. Proteon

    She got Kate Mossisized.

  6. Ms. Dilligaff

    My fear is this: What if Kate is made up mostly of Thetans? Her Thetans could be the only thing still holding her tiny little body together. I don’t think the Scientologists should risk it.

  7. I do think Scientology could help in this case. Just a few weeks in an isolation chamber, and Kate would become so thin she’d disappear. Problem solved! We’d just have to make sure she hands over what’s left of her money first.

  8. asherdeus

    Jenna Elfman? I thought she fell off and was never coming back? Oh yeah, she did.

  9. Ava333

    The reason Jenna Elfman and Kate Moss look alike is because they are Scientologists and the martians probably took their skin and put it on themselves…and obviously they snort coke…ya that is prolly it, not the martian thing…or wait…

  10. Clance-man


  11. MrPloppy

    Everyone stop fucking with the scientologists. They have strange powers given to them by Zoltan

  12. Ragin_Pope_Angus

    Jenna’s been up in the mothership.

  13. mac2048

    Scientology’s new theme song should come from the film Willy Wonka:

    “come with me and you’ll be in a world of pure imagination…”

    What a bunch of crazies. I’m usually not into taking the piss out of religion… usually…

  14. sugarplum

    ^^ I double that!!
    Nazitology is more like it.

  15. ZaZ

    Can Scientology help with that typo? Get on it.

  16. BastardotheGreat

    Scientology, like every other god damned religion, is a waste of human potential.

  17. Dawn7

    I think we are all aware that Tom Cruise is gay, and that Katie Holmes has a penis- and lip herpes.

  18. Juliette

    If I hear Scientology one more time I am going to lose it!!!

  19. sexydarin

    Kate and Jenna have been through nuclear war man and the thetans are making them experience the nuclear holocaust time and again. Someday the thetans will be back. Mark my words. they will be back! So will L Ron Hubbard!

  20. Kallisti

    I used to like Jenna Elfman until I started reading up on Scientology, its members, and some of the crazy shit they’ve said.

    “AIDS is a state of mind…”:

  21. dizzydallas

    I dont believe Kate Moss is a bisexual…isnt scientology the “church of bisexual” which we now know Scarlett Johansen is NOT>>>as she got off that ship…why did Tom not die in war of the worlds????think about it John Travolta…BI..traveled with his”lover” in his stayin alive period…Tom Cruise..well…Katie Holmes…come on a virgin perfect for sacrifice to the omni powers that be..

  22. Queen LaQueefah

    I know Scientology cured my addiction to multiple regressions and barbiturates, but now I just can’t shake this rush of confidence I’ve been experiencing. Suddenly, I’m better than you…and you….aaaaaaand you too. Now that I know we’re descendants of aliens, I am invincible! I have seen the light! You are like, all trapped in the Matrix, or whatever. And because I’m an empty-headed diva-wannabe actress, the only cultural and historical references I can make come from movies made within the past ten years. I also saw Kinsey, so I know the history of Psychiatry to a “T”, I don’t need years of studying scientific research to cure Kate Moss, I can help her out, with little machines that tell her she’s stressed out and stuff like that. And like, that’s treatment

  23. I am invincible! I have seen the light! You're like all trapped in the matrix or something.

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