Scarlett Johansson could sell nails to Jesus

February 13th, 2009 // 96 Comments

These are the latest ads for Scarlett Johansson’s Dolce & Gabbana campaign. Apparently, if you buy their new eyeshadow, you’ll look exactly like Scarlett. So, ladies, step away from the computer and get cracking. By the time I leave work I hope to see Scarlett serving me coffee, ringing up my groceries and dancing to pay for law school. Ha ha, I’m kidding. I’ll go straight to the strip club.

Photos: Dolce & Gabbana

  1. combustion8


  2. james

    she looks like e.t.

  3. wtf???


  4. Sid

    This reminds me – PEOPLE, PLEASE *DO NOT* EAT TUNA FISH! unless the can says “dolphin safe”.

  5. LA N3NA

    yea like her eyes are too far apart
    NAH SHE prettier than others
    and theyre selling foundation not eyeshadow

  6. Uncle Eccoli

    She’s got nice cans. That. Is. All.

  7. Uncle Eccoli

    She’s got nice cans. That. Is. All.

  8. ugh, I WANT to dislike her but this isn’t making it easy.

    saying she looks “average” here is hilarious

  9. ugh, I WANT to dislike her but this isn’t making it easy.

    saying she looks “average” here is hilarious

  10. Mama Pinkus

    no one is as sexy as Ms. Johansson thinks she is

  11. Ang

    I believe the second picture is an ad for their new “ass to mouth” perfume.

  12. Andrea

    She has nice breasts. (pretty much the only relevant comment for any picture of her)

  13. Spenceer

    Life needs passion. is a private exclusive dating club to meet millionaires, rich and beautiful men and women worldwide. Find your perfect match easier and more effective!

  14. Virginia

    She could sell generosity to Jews.

  15. Jesse

    She could sell a work ethic to blacks.

  16. Nice tits, everything else – a tad above average. Plus, she seems to be so boring whenever they interview her.

  17. mike

    She could sell a salad to Jessica Simpson.

  18. Nancy

    She could sell an umbrella to Rihanna.

  19. Jrz

    Didn’t Lindsay Lohan do a Marilyn Monroe thing last year? Didn’t Lindsay Lohan write something really nasty about Scarlett on a bathroom wall not too long ago?

    Has anyone checked in with Linds to see if this has pushed her into an epic drinking binge?

  20. Jrz

    Bah! She couldn’t sell free liposuction to Usher’s wife.

  21. Kyle

    Well, Jesus was a CARPENTER, so that title’s not saying much, fish.

    Probably anyone who had nails and lived in Nazareth could’ve sold them to him.

  22. Deacon Jones

    She could sell granny porn to a pedophile.

  23. n/a

    So, it’s kind of funny that already two people don’t understand the title. Yeah, the point is SJ is so pretty that she could sell nails to a carpenter. duh.

  24. Jeff

    She could sell vaginal-scented lip balm to Tom Cruise.

  25. Sandy

    She could sell tickets for Continental commuter flights to people (still) living in Clarence, N.Y.

  26. Ted Haggard

    I believe Jesus will be feeling a resurrection

    In his loincloth.

  27. lizzy

    #8 foghat — me too, ughh!

    i DO fucking hate her, and i swear she’s overrated… this is the power of makeup and airbrushing, as always. she looks like garbage in those pictures with her ‘dark hair’.

  28. testing

    A) IS IT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE FOR HER TO CLOSE HER MOUTH EVER? Seriously she is such a mouth breather

    B) I am sick of her pretending to be Marilyn Monroe

    C) where did they put her torso?

  29. jojo

    awww, Fish, now you’re just being cute.

  30. hellyeah

    #29 – c) in a girdle.

    Average from the cans down. Average from the cans up.

  31. Jrz

    You’re crazy. She couldn’t sell a 6′ hoagie to Oprah.

  32. Joline

    I recommend you a very interesting place ___MillionaireLoving co m_____ It ‘s where you have the opportunity dreaming about dating a millionaire and make it true!

  33. M

    She could sell your mom.

  34. #31 – So, to be clear, only her cans can?

    She could sell humor to bootlips. OK, fine, she ain’t a miracle worker.

  35. Jrz

    Hey, #33….I recommendyou a very intersting place…….the red box with the white X in it at the top right of your screen….yeah…click on that……and then go fuck yourself.

  36. Jrz

    She couldn’t sell Spanx to Jessica Simpson.

  37. Delgo

    None of your posts made me laugh.

  38. Beastman AIDS

    The title of this story made me do laugh poos.

    Also Scarlett is fuckin hot and anyone that says otherwise is a swamp rapist.

  39. Clem

    This woman is not even close to being anything above average looking with a voice that makes her sound like she’s got a permanent cold.

  40. Cue the cat calls! ScarJo is lookin’ mighty fine! Ladies, take notes!

  41. missywissy

    Why, once a week, is there a Jesus reference that is highly irreverant? Are there that many people out there that are chuckling at shit like that? Thought this site was up on what’s funny. Why is it necessary to include a historical figure that died for the sake of humanity? Is it possible to stick to celebs and leave out digging on people’s convictions????? Christ was tortured and nailed onto a cross in the name of love for everyone, and you think it’s cute that Scarlet Johanssen is so beautiful she could make him do it all over because he should be impressed with her beauty? That’s the stupidest uneducated remark I’ve read, ever on this site. Enough already with all the “baby Jesus” remarks and Jesus this and that mixed with celebrity gossip.

  42. Uncle Eccoli


    Jesus is sucking my cock right now. He says, “Hi.” Actually, he said, “Mmrphm,” but I’m pretty sure that’s Aramaic-with-a-cock-in-my-mouth for hi.

  43. Christian Guy

    The title you gave this article was incredibly offensive!!

  44. You rock scarlett. What happened to the brown hair? You are the stimulus plan, forget obama!

  45. mmm, I love bitches with BIG heads. I’m not talking like big as in ego, I’m talking like big as in colossal (inches etc etc)

  46. mmm, I love bitches with BIG heads. I’m not talking like big as in ego, I’m talking like big as in colossal (inches etc etc)

  47. sote

    She is absolutely gorgeous, and I’m a girl but I don’t mind admiting when another girl is ubber hot. She is super sexy, her voice, her body, everything about her, even her hubby… oh ryan, I would do you in the kitchen, on top of your bike, wherever you want it!

  48. Guest

    omg, everybody shut the fuck up!
    She’s GORGEOUS!!
    Like you’ve seen a girl on the street
    who looked as good as her.
    She’s beautiful!

  49. Tard

    Its amazing to me that any “true Christian” holier than thou’s would be on this site at all! Shouldn’t you be off beating your bibles?

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