Scarlett Johannson will date you for charity (Pity sex not included)

February 29th, 2008 // 104 Comments

Scarlett Johannson could be yours for an entire evening. Provided you have a buttload of cash and win a charity auction on eBay. Scarlett goes up for bidding on Sunday, so start digging in those couch cushions. You’ll get a chance to help the needy and possibly see some ScarJo cleavage. It reminds me of that passage in the Bible about caring for others: “And so Jesus said to Thomas, ‘Dude, I totally need to touch that chick at the well’s cones. Go get me a blind dude to heal. STAT. For real, that move is guaranteed to get me to No-Pants-rusalem.’ And Thomas did as the Lord commandeth thus securing his heavenly position of righteous wing-man.” 2 Superficialonians 5:19 (KJV).

Photos: Getty Images

  1. maddMike

    great rack……busted face. She looks like she got slapped in the face by a donkey cock. Her nose, mouth and eyes look all fucked up. I’ll pass

  2. JANE

    Sorry but where did her boobs go? They dropped like 3 sizes !!

  3. Hatey McWrathenstein

    @47 [Bettie]

    Indeed they done did… then the horrid teamster voice kicked in :D

  4. MikeM

    If you can’t touch her boobs it isn’t worth it, I don’t mind not having sex but the date needs to be a “hands on” affair meaning my hands on her boobs for the entire night.

  5. Queefer Bukakke

    Dear God! Right now there’s more blood in my dick than in the rest of my entire body.

  6. Jonathan Michael Titus

    2 Superficialonians 5:19

    youre fucking hilarious man

    lol lmaof hahaha ahhh nice one

  7. Wraith

    Is that an exact quote from the Superficialionian Bible?

  8. MikeM

    To GOSSIPgirl you aren’t that straight, a completely hetero female wouldn’t be that excited by Scarlett Jo’s large boobs.

  9. poerba

    No-Pants-rusalem — not funny.

    Perhaps poonrusalem?

  10. Lexoka

    OK, I’m gonna go sell one of my kidneys now…

  11. lv

    She’s attractive but very odd looking at the same time, like Uma Thurman. You can tell they were ugly as kids. And, like a typical actress, her head is enormous.

  12. wut

    link to auction

  13. Jodi

    Christians – grow up. You already have caused us enough problems, and we normally don’t complain, so just go back into your bedrooms and pray for some calm-down pills. If not I’ll have to feed Jesus to the shredder again.


  14. CoM

    Fuck the bible. Jesus was a bitch. God Himself greedily laps the butt juice from the underside of my testicles. If He can do it, so can you!

  15. alex oz

    nice brrrrrrrr uhuhkhkgiyyeyfyjbkbkjbcfchgyty wtf i dibtfydyfi uid vcuncumc
    dresss.: )

  16. Surprised there’s no ‘Buy Now’ link on her page. Screw the bidding, a leather jacket and a couple of beers and she’s good to go.

  17. tina

    She is a pretty woman. There are so many fans of her. And they set up the groups related to stars. You can even check out their sexy and beautiful photos, videos and blogs at

  18. herbiefrog

    kudos to the scarlettis…
    you can buy her

    you can’t buy her
    and if you try, we’re going to give your money away to africa or whatever…

    well done everyone… thats a wrap

  19. martin loser king

    yo nigs shut the hell up

  20. Alexandra

    thank god, she has a new stylist and is waring a dress that looks good on her for a change. That Portman girl almost destroyed her with that “pay off the stylist to make her look bad” ploy.

  21. Liz

    This is hilarious. I can’t believe she would do this, being a big movie star and all. Who’s bidding? I’d rather hang out with Natalie Portman.

  22. tez

    Scarlett Johannson is SO UGLY, I really don’t understand why so many people think she is hot. She has an ugly face.

  23. ZaZ

    tez = idiot

  24. Mommy Dearest

    I have no idea who this lady is but I like the color of her dress. Pehaps her movie will come out on HBO soon. I have too many kids and foster kids and no time or money to go out but I got my HBO. And I am doing what I am suppose to do, raising resposible and respectful Americans with good self esteem and good education and fit healthy bodies. Sometimes I need to remind myself this when I start forgetting what is important.

  25. Chris

    As much as it would be nice to think a “date” would be part of the final prize package, you know it’s nothing more than a “meet ‘n’ greet” bullshit thing in a hotel lobby somewhere. Like, “Hi, how are you?” “I’m great Ms. Johannsen, can you sign this butt plug for me?” “Sure, here you go. Anything else?” “Actually, Ms. Johannsen, I was hoping you’d –” “Oh, I have to go now, thanks for bidding eighty thousand dollars to go to a good cause!” “Uh…what?” And thirty seconds after meeting her, you’d be standing alone in the hotel lobby with a signed butt plug, wondering how you’re going to pay off all that credit card debt.

  26. yahookickbutt

    you can see her too in for sure there are pretty pictures too!

  27. Jamie

    OMG!!! did you hear theres going to be a new season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians March 9th on E!. Its going to be so much better than last season. I wonder if Reggie Bush is going to be on it. Heres the links that you asked for. Check out the tushy game. see how many you can get right. I only got 3

  28. MST

    I hate to burst everyone’s bubble, but you’re not actually getting a date, just a meet & greet of like 10 seconds (no predefined amount of time because of Ms. Scarlett’s busy schedule) at the premier of her new movie.

    Also, because they are morons you can’t just bid on the auction, but you have to verify yourself with the ‘Seller’ first. FAIL.

  29. Garbo doesn’t work you motherfucking liar

  30. Garbo

    Q: How long will the meet and greet last?
    A: There is no set amount of time but it is estimated to be a brief visit due to Scarlett’s schedule that evening.

  31. Felix

    Has anyone been able to find this on ebay? did it go up yesterday? or does is post next Sunday? I muat admit, I am curious to see what osmeone will pay to not get laid..

  32. Grunion

    Can I just bid on one of her breast’s to save a little cash?

  33. yo nigs shut the hell up

  34. suny

    Oh, so nice discussion, and so reasonable comments Everyone should check out my upcoming show with my fabulous friends!. Check out my website! for interracial love and relationship.

  35. booby

    She’s fugg….

  36. BunnyButt

    She saves the pity sex for Obama…

  37. Scarlett the Alpine cow

    talentless cow is so painful to watch as an actress. and those tits look WAY smaller without her Wonder Bra tricks. I wouldn’t pay a shit for her.

  38. Hobo

    No. Why is she a movie star, exactly? Definitely local dinner theater, if she can act, but movie star? Why?

  39. dr.horseshoe

    I wanna feed apples to this cow’s orifices every time I see her horse face.

  40. herbiefrog

    trust us…
    …if it goes on ebay
    all those repressed business type that imagine they’re owed more
    will be shoing just how big they are by bidding more, cant we arrange to coolect all the bids rather than just the wiinniing one [oops]

  41. Scarllett

    I,ll date you …and Look under Web Advisor AlSilicaniAgency
    Or Billionairefriends .com AlSilicaniAgent Hollywood Beverlyhills
    American / / But would Jessica simpson like that………….Look under Sites First…..

  42. Scarllett

    I,ll date you …and Look under Web Advisor AlSilicaniAgency
    Or Billionairefriends .com AlSilicaniAgent Hollywood Beverlyhills
    American / / But would Jessica simpson like that………….Look under Sites First…..

  43. Scarllett

    I,ll date you …and Look under Web Advisor AlSilicaniAgency
    Or Billionairefriends .com AlSilicaniAgent Hollywood Beverlyhills
    American / / But would Jessica simpson like that………….Look under Sites First…..

  44. Scarlett Johansson
    Needs me and I want her as well in Marriage . Is Possible and whatever
    Comes up is if ,she wants me more than her lover, is okay and ,I’ll work it out with her .and our love .will be the best lovers in Hollywood Beverlyhills.
    AlSilicaniAgent Of The Rich and The Famous…..

  45. This stuff is stupid and demeaning.Why don’t the stars just give their own money rather than worry about thousand dollars from their wealth.

  46. I caught it inside! wow!

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