Scarlett Johannson will date you for charity (Pity sex not included)

February 29th, 2008 // 104 Comments

Scarlett Johannson could be yours for an entire evening. Provided you have a buttload of cash and win a charity auction on eBay. Scarlett goes up for bidding on Sunday, so start digging in those couch cushions. You’ll get a chance to help the needy and possibly see some ScarJo cleavage. It reminds me of that passage in the Bible about caring for others: “And so Jesus said to Thomas, ‘Dude, I totally need to touch that chick at the well’s cones. Go get me a blind dude to heal. STAT. For real, that move is guaranteed to get me to No-Pants-rusalem.’ And Thomas did as the Lord commandeth thus securing his heavenly position of righteous wing-man.” 2 Superficialonians 5:19 (KJV).

Photos: Getty Images

  1. coach

    piezz of AZZZ! daaaaoooommmm…

  2. deacon jones

    First you big muffin headed penises.

  3. Ted Mosby


  4. Randal

    Now here we have yet another fine cause, as was the case in the previous posting of Kim helping the needy.

    I certainly believe that the ebay auction will bring in a lot of money for the charity, which only makes it a great cause.

    Hopefully, more celebrities will follow suit.

  5. sl500gt

    date rape and restraining order coming soon.

  6. D. Richards (Masochist.)

    Performace art: I win the date with Scarlett because, drug her with roofies, and sodomize her with a two inch thick wooden dowel.

    Backing music? Yep, you guessed it, The Swans.

  7. bigSTEAMYone

    My maximum bid is $19.99

  8. Mitch

    I’ll do it, but only if I can punch her instead of going on a date.

  9. Bill Clinton

    Whatever, the pity sex would be on my part for this horse face. I bid
    negative 1 million dollars, pay up bitch and you can take me to dinner, liquor me up and maybe get a pity boob squeeze out of me.

  10. What a scam! Like she’d pay any attention to you at all on your “date”. Pay lots of money to be ignored like toilet paper on the bottom of her shoe. But if I won, all that would change when she feels the nose of the gun up against her ribs. “Oh, yes, Scarlett? Tits are on the menu tonight after all? Wonderful! …”

  11. Sex Nuts & Retard Strong

    Cleavage for Jeebus!! I feel my holy rod getting ready to do some wrath of God type stuff to her. Grrr…

    The only part about this that sucks is that some rich nerd (who is only rich because he saves on rent living in mommy’s basement) is going to win, spend the evening staring at her love mounds, then go home and wack off furiously while watching anime porno or a buns of steel video. What a waste. After seeing my biblically proportioned holy rod she’d be more than willing to have an immaculate reception, then go all religious…oh god…oh god…oh god…

  12. Clem

    Sounds like a great deal, pay a ton of cash to look at some chick posing all night. Nah.
    Now if she wants to stick on a pair of jeans and come have a few beers we may have a deal. But she’s paying – cos I into equality and all that shit.

  13. Mark

    The thing is, on the night of your big date, she’s going to have a giant pimple on her left breast, in the middle in the cleavage area. You’ll spend the whole night trying not to look at it, but it makes it even harder to not look at her tits and she keeps catching you. But you’re disgusted, not turned on, so when she says condescendingly “my eyes are up here, buddy” you blurt out “I didn’t know dolphins got whiteheads” and suddenly she’s back in 5th grade. What I’m saying is, it’d all be worth it.

  14. morga

    her head looks strangely huge in those last few pics

  15. Chauncey Gardner

    She’d be hot if it weren’t for her weird mummy-seahorse-fishface. She always looks like she tried to squeeze her head between a couple of bars, like the senator guy in X-MEN. Also, she looks like someone who suffers from anal leakage.

  16. What an ugly cow

    What a fucking ugly cow. Seriously, if this is not overrated, I don’t know what is. The only thing she’s got going for herself are her boobs just because they’re bigger than average, they aren’t even that good, she knows it, that’s why she keeps pimping them out and showing them off, because she knows otherwise no one would look at her.

  17. Darko

    Throw in a donkey punch and dirty sanchez and I am so totally in. Now that would be worth a 401K clearance.

  18. Chauncey Gardner

    She’s be hot if it wasn’t for her weird mummy-seahorse-fishface and eyes that look in two directions. She always looks like she tried to squeeze her head between a couple of iron bars, like that senator guy in X-MEN. Also, she looks like somebody who would suffer from anal leakage.

  19. Chauncey Gardner

    Goddamn double-posting! Fuck!

  20. Ted from LA

    You should bid on her. If you win, leave your goat at home. It will be good for your relationship to have some distance. I also recommend trying your peanut butter trick with Scarlett.

    Fish, if you dare put up a Paris post before the weekend, I’ll pay Rosanne Barr large sums of money to go sit on your face.

  21. yuck, she's UGLY

    Oh man, this chick is ugly. There’s some really desperate losers out there I guess. If you find this ugly cow hot, then what would you do if you saw a girl who’s actually hot and pretty? Go insane?

  22. boo

    her makeup looks great!

  23. crabby old guy

    WTF? She’d have to pay ME to spendt through any time at all with this pinhead. You want tits? How about pairing them with a brain and a personality – then we’re talking.

    By the way, what has she ever done of consequence? Besides successfully reaching, puberty and all.

  24. grobpilot

    Fish, you do know you’re going to hell for that blasphemous passage, right? That being said, she does have some nice cans.

  25. Ted, that Peanut butter trick is yours. I can not take credit for that. I am sure your dog jumping up and down at the door when you get home from a hard day making burritos at Taco Bell and will be looking forward to his peanut butter treat.

    I may just bid on a date with Scarlett Johannson. I think she would like a little ATM.

  26. fuck you

    What’s up with the fish and messing with the bible lately?……….geeze lay off already!

  27. I laugh at you.
    Horse face or no, she would be sodomized.
    She has that classy hotness which makes you just know she’s cry as the poop chute was rammed.

  28. chilichz

    Super Fish….you’re hella funny when you bag on the celebs…but stop raggin on God and Christianity…..please.

  29. Mike

    Damn Ted, you missed out. You could have bid on Larry the Cable guy. I am sure he has a little peanut butter for you to lick off.

  30. Ted from LA

    Listen you goat fucker, that is your trick, not mine. Isn’t it funny, you pound one nail and nobody calls you a carpenter, yet you fuck one goat and you’re a goat fucker for life.

  31. Mike

    @30 And you let your dog lick peanut butter off your dick and you are a fag for life. Well, you were a fag long before you let your dog lick your balls.

    Ted, I think it is time for you to turn that $19 special chair you got from Big Lots around, give your dog a little tongue and get out of the house for a few hours. Go down to the home bar you hang out at and show them how a real man does ATM.

  32. @30, Sorry Ted that everyone call you the goat fucker.

  33. Don't like this chick

    She’s ugly. Oh well, ugly compared to other famous people, average compared to people on the streets. Definitely there’s nothing pretty or hot about this chick. If I saw her in person I wouldn’t notice her, less would I turn my head to look twice at her if she wasn’t famous. She looks like every uglish-average boring white female you see everywhere in North America. And that tattoo on her arm is as ugly as herself and her dress. The girl’s tasteless.

    Now after seeing the Kim Kardashian post before this one, the more I love dark haired dark eyed exotic brunnettes and the less I like blondes. Scarlett looks like absolute shit compared to Kim Kardashian and any exotic dark eyed dark haired brunnette hottie. I think hot dark eyed exotic brunnettes are taking over the world, beware blondes, the sterotype is turning the opposite, I’ve yet to see a blonde chick as hot as hot dark eyed dark haired exotic brunnettes.

  34. Hey Ted, Have a good weekend you goat fucker!! I am off to fuck you mother. She told me she wanted a little ATM tonight (Ass to Ted’s Mouth). Don’t stay at the homo bar to late. Your mother worries about you.

  35. Fai

    Scarlett’s been looking a little rough on the red carpet lately, which is a shame because she generally cleans up nicely.

    The tattoo on her arm is positively abysmal.

  36. moobs

    no sex? then why even date?

    /oh i see, cause she’s famous with average looks.

  37. moobs

    no sex? then why even date?

    /oh i see, cause she’s famous with average looks.

  38. moobs


    /i guess “refresh” to check for a previous post doesn’t always work as planned.

  39. blp

    Oh shut up about her face guys, it;s good enough and look at the boobs. God please let me win the lottery tomorrow, it’s for charity! When she meets me there will be pity sex, she’d have to be evil not to offer it to a sad lonely virginal looking millionaire geek like me with an abnormally massive dong! (I’m a millionaire. I”l get penis injections)

  40. tina

    OMG, I saw her profile with photos on, where celebrities and wealthy singles hook up. She feels lonely, doesn’t she? Is she looking for a serious relationship or just for fun? Her ID there is …I’ll check it out again and keep you posted.

  41. Oh my god! I just realized that Lifetime Alcoholic Hair and WhoreHair are the SAME THING! Thanks, Scarlett Johannson!

  42. blp

    Oh fuck off u spammin cunts! When I win the lotto tomorrow I’ll pay u more than u earn from to not spam here.

  43. Ted

    I’d hit that. It would be the best 30 seconds of my sad miserable life, but I’d hit it.

  44. Skeps

    That’d be a pretty sweet title to carry around :

    The Wingman of BIBLICAL proportions.

    You would be knee deep in the ugly friends of all those shepherds daughters

  45. Sirus

    I’d bid if that eBay bid could be a tax write-off. Other than that I’m not paying money so I could spend a night wishing I had just bid on Tina, the only clap-free prostitute over on Delaney St.

  46. Chaturon Chupuppup Wattaporn

    Nice pearly yellows!

  47. Bettie

    Didn’t Robot Chicken do this as a sketch, with ScarJo providing her voice?

  48. Donkey Show

    Hey #40, I saw your profile on I bet you’re lonely, and by lonely I mean stump fucking stupid to think anyone thinks your posts are real. Here’s a thought: shove your hand up your asshole until you reach pancreas, then yank hard.

  49. Jesus

    Hey, bible-thumpers, chill out. I don’t give a fuck if somebody jokes about one fucking book. What, is that the only one you read? Fucking retard losers. And for the record, all of Nazareth knew that Mary gave the best ATM (no, not the Magdalene slut).

  50. I would TOTALY buy here JUST TO SUCK HER large BOOBS, lol!! and I’m a straght girl, I guess Natalie Portman and I have alot in common!!! Love HER BOOBs!!

Leave A Comment