Scarlett Johansson’s Rep: ‘My Client is the Victim of Angles and Weird Shirts’

Because I’m brave enough to not know the difference between pregnancy and a beer gut, I speculated yesterday that Scarlett Johansson might be pregnant with Sean Penn’s child after seeing photos of them jogging together. Turns out the person Scarlett pays to make her look good took particular exception with that and ran to People with the following excuses:

But a rep for Johansson warns not to jump to conclusions, and reveals a few common missteps that make up the anatomy of a pregnancy rumor:
Step 1: Catch the celebrity at an awkward angle
“She’s outside running and it’s simply the placement of her shirt that is misleading,” her rep, Marcel Pariseau, tells PEOPLE of Johansson.
Step 2: Single out the one photo that portrays her as a mere mortal
“She was followed and photographed for over 20 minutes and I’m sure there are other photos in the series that show and prove that she is not pregnant,” the rep points out.
Step 3: Set the record straight
“Scarlett is not pregnant,” Pariseau says, adding for good measure. “She’s been training for The Avengers for over four months and is in the best shape of her life.”

Two things:

1. I went ahead and reposted the eight images – uncropped – from the agency I purchased them from (There were more, but I’m a cheap bastard.) and there’s definitely more than just “one photo” where people went, “Hmm. I wonder where she’s registered…”
2. “The placement of her shirt is misleading.” She wears shirts on her ass?

But in all seriousness, instead of saying, “My client is a world-class athlete victimized by the weird shirt and bad angles conglomerate,” it would’ve been much simpler if Scarlett’s rep just said, “Okay, she put on a couple pounds and is obviously trying to work them off.” Not only would this make me look like the asshole I am, but oh I dunno, it’s the truth. Then again, we’re not really in the truth business here, are we? Oh, no, we’re in the business of stealing ROBIN WRIGHT’S CHILDREN AND MAKING THEM SCARLETT’S OWN! Isn’t that right, Us Weekly?

Relocating from her temporary digs at a West Hollywood hotel, the recently divorced 26-year-old “has essentially moved in over the last few weeks,” the source says. And now that the actress and Penn, 50, share the same roof after months of furtive sightings at hotspots in Hollywood, Mexico and beyond, “they just stay home” whenever they can.
Among their fave homebody activities? Eating in and hanging out with Penn’s kids with ex-wife Robin Wright, who are mere years younger than Johansson: daughter Dylan, 20, and son Hopper, 17.

Tell me not to wildly speculate, will you? I’ll speculate all over this town! *slams briefcase shut* I rest my case, your honor.

Photos: AKM Images/Flynet