Scarlett Johansson’s Rep: ‘My Client is the Victim of Angles and Weird Shirts’

April 13th, 2011 // 105 Comments

Because I’m brave enough to not know the difference between pregnancy and a beer gut, I speculated yesterday that Scarlett Johansson might be pregnant with Sean Penn‘s child after seeing photos of them jogging together. Turns out the person Scarlett pays to make her look good took particular exception with that and ran to People with the following excuses:

But a rep for Johansson warns not to jump to conclusions, and reveals a few common missteps that make up the anatomy of a pregnancy rumor:
Step 1: Catch the celebrity at an awkward angle
“She’s outside running and it’s simply the placement of her shirt that is misleading,” her rep, Marcel Pariseau, tells PEOPLE of Johansson.
Step 2: Single out the one photo that portrays her as a mere mortal
“She was followed and photographed for over 20 minutes and I’m sure there are other photos in the series that show and prove that she is not pregnant,” the rep points out.
Step 3: Set the record straight
“Scarlett is not pregnant,” Pariseau says, adding for good measure. “She’s been training for The Avengers for over four months and is in the best shape of her life.”

Two things:

1. I went ahead and reposted the eight images – uncropped – from the agency I purchased them from (There were more, but I’m a cheap bastard.) and there’s definitely more than just “one photo” where people went, “Hmm. I wonder where she’s registered…”
2. “The placement of her shirt is misleading.” She wears shirts on her ass?

But in all seriousness, instead of saying, “My client is a world-class athlete victimized by the weird shirt and bad angles conglomerate,” it would’ve been much simpler if Scarlett’s rep just said, “Okay, she put on a couple pounds and is obviously trying to work them off.” Not only would this make me look like the asshole I am, but oh I dunno, it’s the truth. Then again, we’re not really in the truth business here, are we? Oh, no, we’re in the business of stealing ROBIN WRIGHT’S CHILDREN AND MAKING THEM SCARLETT’S OWN! Isn’t that right, Us Weekly?

Relocating from her temporary digs at a West Hollywood hotel, the recently divorced 26-year-old “has essentially moved in over the last few weeks,” the source says. And now that the actress and Penn, 50, share the same roof after months of furtive sightings at hotspots in Hollywood, Mexico and beyond, “they just stay home” whenever they can.
Among their fave homebody activities? Eating in and hanging out with Penn’s kids with ex-wife Robin Wright, who are mere years younger than Johansson: daughter Dylan, 20, and son Hopper, 17.

Tell me not to wildly speculate, will you? I’ll speculate all over this town! *slams briefcase shut* I rest my case, your honor.

Photos: AKM Images/Flynet

superficial

  1. jezzi

    I’d like to name a pub ‘The Angles and Weird Shirts’.

  2. CrunchyCheeseTwists

    I bet Kodak is regretting giving her that free hat now…

  3. This site is as bad as FOX news. Shame on you for editing quotations to serve your own purposes. The full quote is actually, “My client is the victim of angles and weird shirts and Sean Penn’s semen.”

  4. Bubba

    I’d still give her all two inches of Bubba’s Finest.. Ballllllllls deep.

  5. Scarlett Johansson Pregnant
    sabrinA
    Commented on this photo:

    I think she is just eating to damn much, her legs are huge too ! prenancy is more rounded smooth belly not a cellulite looking belly especially if its your first kid, and her boobs would be HUGE.

  6. ben

    Sean Penn is a fucking cunt for seducing and destroying this beautiful girl.
    Scarlett get back in the game and be once again be the sexy glamorous girl. We all love you !!

    • shane

      If she is low enough to fuck and suck an old man then leave her alone, looking at the condition she’s in she would not be much good for someone with a younger eye, my mom died in better shape than this

  7. Scarlett Johansson Pregnant
    Motorboat Captain
    Commented on this photo:

    Mmm mmm mmm. That is one sweet pooper.

  8. Me

    I think her shoes are extremly sexy! I love the feet glove look.

  9. Pete

    There is an antidote to the scourge of misleading shirt placement. It’s a little something I like to call beer. It fixes your retinas.

  10. skye

    really? REALLY? angles and bad shirts? how about , “my client needs to crap, and we are all very sorry about what she has on her feet. our bad. now if you will just refer a bit higher to her breast area, you will be compensated for your upset. thank you for your concerns.” how bout that? yeah, much better. try and play us for fools? no thank you ScarJo, no thank you.

  11. Satan's bitch

    What’d I tell you? Squishy.

    There’s trendy and there’s DUMBASS – fuck those dumbass ugly shoes.

  12. Scarlett Johansson Pregnant
    Crabby Old Guy
    Commented on this photo:

    Oprah? Is that you?

  13. Ed

    Now we know where she keeps her sack of potatoes.

  14. Racer X

    DAT ASS!

  15. Scarlett Johansson Pregnant
    B
    Commented on this photo:

    she just looks fat. Does her publicist think that we are stupid? They must, it’s not that she’s fat, its because her shirt makes her look fat…no, sorry…I think that her fat makes her look fat.

  16. Scarlett Johansson Pregnant
    Like a G6
    Commented on this photo:

    Good couple. Sean is still hot and she’s hot enough to snag him. I personally know he does piles of coke and smokes his ass silly so how is this dude even jogging a little?

    -Sausalito native

  17. reformed_druid

    She’s a victim of going out in public without looking in the mirror first.

  18. Diggy

    The only thing this chick is a victim of is sandwiches.

  19. Jo

    uhm ..no. your client is clearly victim of KrispyKreme. oink.

  20. It had to be said

    She was funny on Cheers, but now she’s just annoy . . . wait, who?

  21. Blow Me Down

    Damn it Sean! That is NOT what the kids mean when they say “I’d like to wreck that ass”!!!

  22. Panda Chan

    you know you’re in trouble when you’re known for having huge tits and now they are dwarfed by your gut

  23. Turd Ferguson

    I have running friends who wear those gay shoes, too. SHOCKER – they are also attention seeking twitter fucktards who document their whole life on the internet like anyone gives a shit.

    Trendy and GAY, I say.

  24. Jovy

    10 bucks says half of the people ripping on Scarlett are on the verge of being obese/already overweight.

  25. dudeatdudedotdude

    IP you me hoo hoo.

  26. Scarlett Johansson Pregnant
    Melrose
    Commented on this photo:

    What about the shoes Scarlett? How do you explain that?

  27. Scarlett Johansson Pregnant
    sarahsmash
    Commented on this photo:

    Why is she running so weird?

  28. The Critical Crassness

    She is in the best shape of her life in these photos? Fish,please, don’t ever post any of her in the worst shape of her life! Those photos would probably make the images of Ke$ha in a bikini look like a set from Playboy.

  29. JesseJimmy

    We all knew this time would come, but ScarJo is clearly just growing into her boobs. It happens to the best of them. See, e.g., Simpson, Jessica.

  30. Scarlett Johansson Pregnant
    lulu82
    Commented on this photo:

    she just looks fat, not preggers

  31. She’d get around faster if she just stopped, dropped and rolled.

  32. BonitaEstupenda

    Ah, yes. The old “hire a professional excusemaker after wearing JJ Casuals fails to distract from your massive beer gut” strategy. This is one of Hollywood’s oldest gadget plays.

  33. “Round” is a pretty good shape. It’s a classic. Maybe that’s what he meant.

  34. Scarlett Johansson Pregnant
    Dali
    Commented on this photo:

    that’s not pregnant. that’s fat.

  35. Scarlett Johansson Pregnant
    Dali
    Commented on this photo:

    The Shoes, the gunt, all of it! Scarlett is doing what Kathleen Turner did after her hot days.

    That’s not pregnant, either… it’s fat.

  36. Scarlett Johansson Pregnant
    honeybadgerdontcare
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s been training for how long? She looks as flabby as I do, and I haven’t worked out since the 90′s. She needs to fire her trainer.

  37. Scarlett Johansson Pregnant
    Joe Mahma
    Commented on this photo:

    She needs a sports bra on her mid section.

  38. dudeatdudedotdude

    Go Penn. He is a shitty acttor unless a ass is needed.

  39. JDawg

    That’s my excuse when I get caught with boners except replace shirts with pants and angles with dangles

  40. LA Juice

    Why is anyone surprised that she turns out to be a short chunky troll? The girl made one effort to get into shape in her life for a stupid movie.

  41. dork

    I would still do her. Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.

  42. Liz

    I don’t think she’s prego either. I agree with other posters who says she’s always sort of had an odd shape. I noticed in “He’s Just Not That Into You” .. she sort of arches her back and sticks her stomach out and her butt up in the air and these people where Spanx all the time…I was more intrigued by her Fred Flinstone looking shoes anyway.

  43. VandaL

    So he’s saying she’s just a fat cunt?

  44. dan

    I think she is ugly an way overrated.

  45. “She’s outside running and it’s simply the placement of her shirt that is misleading,”

    I do have to agree that the placement of the shirt is the problem. Placing it on her fat gunt was clearly a mistake.
    Weird shirt=skin tight
    bad angle=facing her

  46. LJ

    She must be a customer of that Rhonda Shear Shapewear that they sell on HSN.

  47. dudeatdudedotdude

    She is crapalishious no matter. Will my fist fit in her hoo hoo. If not then I pee pee on her.

  48. Scarlett Johansson Pregnant
    d8tabyte
    Commented on this photo:

    Jesus weeps at these pictures.

  49. wrynoceros

    so the best shape of her life is “sack-full-of-oranges shape”. Nice.

  50. Scarlett Johansson Pregnant
    Jim
    Commented on this photo:

    …that explains why she has to lower her standards to Sean Penn.. sad.

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