Because I’m brave enough to not know the difference between pregnancy and a beer gut, I speculated yesterday that Scarlett Johansson might be pregnant with Sean Penn‘s child after seeing photos of them jogging together. Turns out the person Scarlett pays to make her look good took particular exception with that and ran to People with the following excuses:
But a rep for Johansson warns not to jump to conclusions, and reveals a few common missteps that make up the anatomy of a pregnancy rumor:
Step 1: Catch the celebrity at an awkward angle
“She’s outside running and it’s simply the placement of her shirt that is misleading,” her rep, Marcel Pariseau, tells PEOPLE of Johansson.
Step 2: Single out the one photo that portrays her as a mere mortal
“She was followed and photographed for over 20 minutes and I’m sure there are other photos in the series that show and prove that she is not pregnant,” the rep points out.
Step 3: Set the record straight
“Scarlett is not pregnant,” Pariseau says, adding for good measure. “She’s been training for The Avengers for over four months and is in the best shape of her life.”
Two things:
1. I went ahead and reposted the eight images – uncropped – from the agency I purchased them from (There were more, but I’m a cheap bastard.) and there’s definitely more than just “one photo” where people went, “Hmm. I wonder where she’s registered…”
2. “The placement of her shirt is misleading.” She wears shirts on her ass?
But in all seriousness, instead of saying, “My client is a world-class athlete victimized by the weird shirt and bad angles conglomerate,” it would’ve been much simpler if Scarlett’s rep just said, “Okay, she put on a couple pounds and is obviously trying to work them off.” Not only would this make me look like the asshole I am, but oh I dunno, it’s the truth. Then again, we’re not really in the truth business here, are we? Oh, no, we’re in the business of stealing ROBIN WRIGHT’S CHILDREN AND MAKING THEM SCARLETT’S OWN! Isn’t that right, Us Weekly?
Relocating from her temporary digs at a West Hollywood hotel, the recently divorced 26-year-old “has essentially moved in over the last few weeks,” the source says. And now that the actress and Penn, 50, share the same roof after months of furtive sightings at hotspots in Hollywood, Mexico and beyond, “they just stay home” whenever they can.
Among their fave homebody activities? Eating in and hanging out with Penn’s kids with ex-wife Robin Wright, who are mere years younger than Johansson: daughter Dylan, 20, and son Hopper, 17.
Tell me not to wildly speculate, will you? I’ll speculate all over this town! *slams briefcase shut* I rest my case, your honor.
Photos: AKM Images/Flynet
I’d like to name a pub ‘The Angles and Weird Shirts’.
Sorry, it’s already my band’s name.
I bet Kodak is regretting giving her that free hat now…
This site is as bad as FOX news. Shame on you for editing quotations to serve your own purposes. The full quote is actually, “My client is the victim of angles and weird shirts and Sean Penn’s semen.”
I’d still give her all two inches of Bubba’s Finest.. Ballllllllls deep.
I think she is just eating to damn much, her legs are huge too ! prenancy is more rounded smooth belly not a cellulite looking belly especially if its your first kid, and her boobs would be HUGE.
Sean Penn is a fucking cunt for seducing and destroying this beautiful girl.
Scarlett get back in the game and be once again be the sexy glamorous girl. We all love you !!
If she is low enough to fuck and suck an old man then leave her alone, looking at the condition she’s in she would not be much good for someone with a younger eye, my mom died in better shape than this
Mmm mmm mmm. That is one sweet pooper.
I think her shoes are extremly sexy! I love the feet glove look.
Someone craves attention…
dumbest. shoes. EVAR.
You know you got a pair in your closet bitch.
I have these too and I love them. It took me a while to get over the look of them,but the comfort makes me keep going back to them even when they don’t match the color of my work out gear.
There is an antidote to the scourge of misleading shirt placement. It’s a little something I like to call beer. It fixes your retinas.
really? REALLY? angles and bad shirts? how about , “my client needs to crap, and we are all very sorry about what she has on her feet. our bad. now if you will just refer a bit higher to her breast area, you will be compensated for your upset. thank you for your concerns.” how bout that? yeah, much better. try and play us for fools? no thank you ScarJo, no thank you.
What’d I tell you? Squishy.
There’s trendy and there’s DUMBASS – fuck those dumbass ugly shoes.
Oprah? Is that you?
Now we know where she keeps her sack of potatoes.
DAT ASS!
she just looks fat. Does her publicist think that we are stupid? They must, it’s not that she’s fat, its because her shirt makes her look fat…no, sorry…I think that her fat makes her look fat.
Good couple. Sean is still hot and she’s hot enough to snag him. I personally know he does piles of coke and smokes his ass silly so how is this dude even jogging a little?
-Sausalito native
The muscles visible on his legs don’t betray someone averse to exercise.
She’s a victim of going out in public without looking in the mirror first.
The only thing this chick is a victim of is sandwiches.
uhm ..no. your client is clearly victim of KrispyKreme. oink.
She was funny on Cheers, but now she’s just annoy . . . wait, who?
Somebody remembered me!!!!
They were talking about ME, you needy fame whore! Now go get me a hamburger with extra bacon.
Damn it Sean! That is NOT what the kids mean when they say “I’d like to wreck that ass”!!!
you know you’re in trouble when you’re known for having huge tits and now they are dwarfed by your gut
I have running friends who wear those gay shoes, too. SHOCKER – they are also attention seeking twitter fucktards who document their whole life on the internet like anyone gives a shit.
Trendy and GAY, I say.
10 bucks says half of the people ripping on Scarlett are on the verge of being obese/already overweight.
Nah, it’s just fun to make fun of famous people.
I bet 20. I prefer Scarlett thick like this anyway. But the shirt being weird? That is her stomach not shirt weirdness.
IP you me hoo hoo.
What about the shoes Scarlett? How do you explain that?
Haha. I was thinking the same thing.
Why is she running so weird?
She is in the best shape of her life in these photos? Fish,please, don’t ever post any of her in the worst shape of her life! Those photos would probably make the images of Ke$ha in a bikini look like a set from Playboy.
Thank you for bringing back that horrible memory.
We all knew this time would come, but ScarJo is clearly just growing into her boobs. It happens to the best of them. See, e.g., Simpson, Jessica.
she just looks fat, not preggers
She’d get around faster if she just stopped, dropped and rolled.
Ah, yes. The old “hire a professional excusemaker after wearing JJ Casuals fails to distract from your massive beer gut” strategy. This is one of Hollywood’s oldest gadget plays.
“Round” is a pretty good shape. It’s a classic. Maybe that’s what he meant.
that’s not pregnant. that’s fat.
The Shoes, the gunt, all of it! Scarlett is doing what Kathleen Turner did after her hot days.
That’s not pregnant, either… it’s fat.
She’s been training for how long? She looks as flabby as I do, and I haven’t worked out since the 90′s. She needs to fire her trainer.
hi dlisted reader!
She needs a sports bra on her mid section.
Go Penn. He is a shitty acttor unless a ass is needed.
That’s my excuse when I get caught with boners except replace shirts with pants and angles with dangles
Why is anyone surprised that she turns out to be a short chunky troll? The girl made one effort to get into shape in her life for a stupid movie.
I would still do her. Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.
I don’t think she’s prego either. I agree with other posters who says she’s always sort of had an odd shape. I noticed in “He’s Just Not That Into You” .. she sort of arches her back and sticks her stomach out and her butt up in the air and these people where Spanx all the time…I was more intrigued by her Fred Flinstone looking shoes anyway.
So he’s saying she’s just a fat cunt?
I think she is ugly an way overrated.
“She’s outside running and it’s simply the placement of her shirt that is misleading,”
I do have to agree that the placement of the shirt is the problem. Placing it on her fat gunt was clearly a mistake.
Weird shirt=skin tight
bad angle=facing her
She must be a customer of that Rhonda Shear Shapewear that they sell on HSN.
She is crapalishious no matter. Will my fist fit in her hoo hoo. If not then I pee pee on her.
Wipe poo on your face.
can you please find yourself a nice highway to play on?
Jesus weeps at these pictures.
so the best shape of her life is “sack-full-of-oranges shape”. Nice.
…that explains why she has to lower her standards to Sean Penn.. sad.