Scarlett Johansson’s New Boyfriend Has A Testicle Face

“You ever see a picture of a bowling pin with porn star pubic hair?”
“Say no more fam…

Scarlett Johannson knows how to pick em’ and she’s proved it time and time again. Lately she’s been throwing us all for a loop with all those over the pants handies she was smearing onto Colin Jost around NYC – but now it’s official, she’s dating this dude… Kevin Yorn.

Kevin is a hot shot entertainment lawyer and he’s rich as hell so that’s cool I guess if you’re into money. He also rocks a mean soul patch and probably watches a lot of UFC undercard fights.

People has one of those “sources” again:

“They’ve known each other for a very, very long time and genuinely liked each other outside of their working relationship,” says the source. “Romantically, things developed organically. There’s always been an attraction there.”Over the last several weeks, the new couple have been spending plenty of quality time together and “literally talk all the time,” adds the source. They also have plenty in common aside from both working in the entertainment industry. Johansson, 32, is a loving mom to her 2-year-old daughter Rose Dorothy (with her ex Romain Dauriac), and Yorn, 51, has a daughter, Samantha, from a previous marriage.“Kevin’s always been really great with Scarlett’s daughter,” says the source. “He loves kids and she’s very family-oriented, so it goes without saying they are connected on that level.”

I don’t live in L.A. but I’ve been for extended periods of time and still have plenty of good friends that also drink Fresca and live there – all of us agree that entertainment lawyers are like kodiak cocaine bears who run through vagina like those things that chopped down the rainforest in FernGully. This guy seems like a textbook example: one marriage up in smoke, teenage daughter (probably resents him), cardigans in June, loose relationship with one of his hottest clients (very professional), looks like testicle-face Howie Mandel. Case closed. Scarlett will be with a Saudi oil baron by September and he’s going to chain her up in his palace so she can never leave him and we don’t have to follow who she’s dating anymore.

In other news ScarJo’s haircut is much too close to human Ken Doll, Rodrigo Alves.

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I’m just gonna leave this here…