Scarlett Johansson Will Speak At DNC. Just Goddamnit.

September 6th, 2012 // 85 Comments
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Scarlett Johansson The Today Show
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Posted by Photo Boy

Scarlett Johansson once alluded (falsely) to having email exchanges with President Obama, then followed that up by claiming super-cute campaign tees would help him get re-elected. No, really. So, it’s no surprise that Democratic leadership has lined Scarlett up to say more dumb shit at this year’s DNC, because if there’s anything us liberals do well, it’s getting tantalizingly close to a goal line then fumbling when the corporate masters pull the strings (See: Act, The Patient Protection and Affordable Care). Mediaite reports:

In what some might read as a Democratic response to Clint Eastwood‘s “invisible chair” speech last week, the Democratic National Convention will feature a “surprise” speech Thursday evening from actresses Scarlett Johansson and Kerry Washington

Ok, so maybe it wasn’t actually special interest influence dicking up the works this time. Let’s blame the genius pairing of campaign strategists and marketers who undoubtedly had this conversation:

DNC CHAIRMAN: So, Republicans figured out what celeb most embodies the absolute worst parts of their platform and got him to ramble aimlessly at an empty chair. Is Sean Penn available?
DNC CHAIRMAN: What’s the closest thing to an empty chair we have laying around here?
MARKETING EXEC: Scarlett Johansson?
DNC CHAIRMAN: Perfect. Book it.

Photo: Splash News


  1. Emma Watson's Vagina

    well to be honest i would definitely want to look at a hot bimbo over a senile old guy any day.

  2. Sirjohnnyrotten

    her and natalie portman sucked sean penns dick… I gues they sucked all the communism out of his cock

  3. Kodos

    Tits or STFU

  4. Schmidtler

    Wow, so this person who has exercised such horrible judgment that she willingly let Sean Penn put his dick in her is now going to tell us we should elect the next leader of the free world because she thinks it’s a good idea? What happened, they couldn’t get Charlie Manson out of the pokey to give his endorsement, so they went with the next stupidest / craziest dimwit available?

    • Emma Watson's Vagina

      if a lot of Mormons are going against Romney and voting Democratic . instead of wanting to see a Mormon as president. you know it’s bad. Fox news also went against him(yes Hell froze over). So right now the democrats do not have to do much to win the election. so they can pull this off.

      • just say'n

        Don’t be a pussy or beat around the bush Emma; just say you like Barry O.

        PS – Sadly it doesn’t matter who wins, unless you’re part of the 1% you are going to get screwed.

      • Emma Watson's Vagina

        i’m actually neutral with Obama. but between him and Romney i choose the former. at least with him he is able to maintain rape is rape. and not some sort of BS Romney will site up.

    • Yuuuuup

      Obama’s got Putin’s endorsement. So there’s that.

  5. USDA Prime McBeef

    cleavage is a far better marketing tool than bibles or guns. unless you’re gay.

  6. Deacon Jones

    Clinton was great last night.

    They should have her suck him to completion on stage tonight. And then gladly smile back at him as she stands back up and walks off stage.

    • [img][/img]

    • Schmidtler

      and immediately after she’s done sucking his wang on stage, he can swear it never happened.
      what exactly has to happen before the demtards realize their heroes are all blatant liars and frauds?

  7. The Royal Penis

    Maybe they can have an empty chair like Clint but have her do a “Flashdance” type performance around it, ending with water being dumped all over her thin white t-shirt.

    Yea, I’d watch that. As long as they don’t have any words coming out of her mouth all is good.

  8. Bianca

    Yeahhhhh, this is not a good idea:

    ” People think I’m going to be some brazen harlot, but I’m not out there with every Tom, Dick and Harry or catching hepatitis.”

    “I get tested for HIV twice a year.”

    “It’s just a preconceived notion about women in general and particularly in this industry. It’s a very vain, vain industry.”

    I definitely believe in plastic surgery. I don’t want to be an old hag.

    “How come you get the really interesting existential question, and I get the like, “rabbit food” question?”

    “I hope they make a video game of me. At least I wouldn’t have any cellulite then.”

    • thespiral

      Yeah, she’s definitely a graduate of the Megan Fox/Shia LaBoeuf School of Babbling Stupid Bullshit Nonsense Out of Your Mouth-hole.

  9. Scarlett Johansson Bikini Cellulite
    Sid Viscous
    Commented on this photo:

    She could juggle my balls.

  10. USA

    these two bimbo’s dont have a brain, if they did they would be voting RR. since they are talking to morons at the DNC. they will probably leave even more stupid then then showed up.

  11. The Right

    Sometimes, when I’m all riled up right after the two minutes hate, I forget who is waging that War on Women.

  12. Devilish Diva

    I love how they have an ad for cellulite cream at the bottom of this Scarlett Johansson post. Still, hot chick over senile pepaw? No contest.

  13. Beaver Underground

    I’m not interested in her when she’s talking in movies. Why would I listen to her mumble for real?! Last time she was at a political rally she made more noise with Sean Penn than the speaker.

  14. Copen Hagen

    Just like “Boardwalk Empire “, The Dem’s should be giving “Blowjobs for Bama”. Scarlett would be my first pick , as long as she didn’t have any of Sean’s communist cooties still on her chin

  15. Smapdi

    Here’s actual Johansson quotes she can add into her speech:

    Economy: “You think that your life is going to be one way, and then, for various reasons or whatever, it doesn’t work out.”

    Unemployment: “I just want to work on things that are really hard, and when I’m not working on things that are really hard, I want to hang out with people I like to be with, and that’s it.”

    On conservative elitism: “I mean, it’s nice to get a dinner reservation ahead of other people, but when it comes down to it, the most important thing to me is the actual work.”

    Health insurance: “I have an obsessive character. I manicure my nails at three in the morning because nobody else can do it the right way. Maybe that`s the secret to my success.”

    Who to vote for: “Whose life would I like to step into for the day? The president`s. I could probably get some things done in the Oval Office.”

    • Joaquin ingles

      Haha…. I was ambivalent before, but I’m quickly starting to despise this empty-headed whore.

  16. Archie Leach

    Holy shit! Scarlett Johansson is a liberal democrat?

    What’s the next big revelation: the ku klux klan burns crosses?

  17. “A vote for Obama means a vote for boobs.” – Scarlett J.

    As a straight American male, I’ll be voting for boobs….I mean Obama.

  18. Cint talked to an invisible Omama in he chair. She’ll be sucking Clint’s invisible dick.

  19. cp3

    This should be almost as enlightening and relevant as Jenna Jameson endorsing Romney.

  20. kimmykimkim

    My cubemate who is usually a staunch republican, just informed me he’s voting for Obama this year. First time he’s ever voted democratic in his life. And he’s in his 60′s. Fucking awesomeness!

  21. Buck

    Liberals are very strange people. Scarlett Johannson? Eva Longoria? Natalie Portman? This isn’t a Hollywood awards show, we are finally in the process of getting a guy that can lead this country….at least we can all agree that this obama guy needs to go.

    • See Alice

      Yes I agree . If I was to wach them speak ,it would to watch
      Volume off

    • Funny how “this isn’t a Hollywood awards show” didn’t apply to Clint Eastwood, Janine Turner and Kid Rock at the Republican convention last week.

      “Yay! You tell ‘em, our celebrities!
      Boo, their celebrities! What are they even doing at a political event, anyway?”

      • Buck

        Eastwood was a mayor in California, Turnere founded a political outreach program entitled “Constituting America” , Taylor performed as between speakers. For Liberals politics are simply a popularity contest.

      • blargh

        “For Liberals politics are simply a popularity contest.”

        What does it take to be such a blinkered fucktard that you can make statements like that AS THOUGH IT’S ANY DIFFERENT for Republicans?

        Take Paul Ryan. What can you say about his speech at the convention except that HE MADE MOST OF THAT SHIT UP? Later, the fucking guy even lied about his marathon time–not by 20 minutes or even 40, but by over an hour!

        What is that if not a naked appeal to popularity? Please. Go back to your stupid little life and pray that they don’t send you off to war with Iran. Because that’s about as much as you can hope for.

      • I knew someone would point out that Clint was the mayor of Carmel-by-the-Sea some 25 years ago. Because that’s what qualified him to precede the Republican nominee on stage last week, not that whole Hollywood-star thing.

        Also, I would brush up on your reading comprehension. I said “Kid Rock,” not “Taylor Hicks.” And Kid Rock has actually been pretty tight with the Romney campaign all year, so you can’t say he was “just performing.”

    • blargh

      Obama is leading your country just fine–just remember who he’s leading it FOR, and you have no basis on which to disagree…

      The two branches of The Money Party are laughing at y’all all the way to the bank. You dumbshits voluntarily join the Red or Blue tribe and argue ’til you’re hoarse over minuscule differences like they’re fucking Everest, and while you’re busy throttling each other they’re selling out your country to the highest bidders.

      Ever seen the way Democratic and Republican lawmakers smile and wink at each other when they think nobody’s looking? THAT’s reality. What you see is just a show, a show to entertain you while they sell your jobs offshore and retire with the profit…


      • Joaquin ingles

        ^This. No one who’s lived long enough and paid any attention has any business voting for either one of these fuckers.

  22. Linda

    It’s maddening how many times we Democrats will fuck things up! We already have an uphill battle dealing with delusional racists and shitheel dumbasses who are pissed because Obama didn’t perform magic on the economy and poof it away. Whatever. Hopefully people with two neurons to rub together will get past this stupid shit and vote for the guy was not born with a silver spoon shoved way up his ass, who is not a bigot and doesn’t want to control a woman’s body. And oh yes, Obama happens to be a badass [see: Kill, Osama Bin Laden]

    • USDA Prime McBeef

      Not to interfere with you bonging that kool-aid, but BO’s role in killing OBL is about as badass as me playing Call of Duty.

    • qwerty

      It’s not that Obama failed to perform magic on the economy, it’s that he made it a lot worse.

      • [img][/img]

      • The Royal Penis

        You realize that the GDP is not an accurate measure of productivity and recovery, correct? For instance, the “G” part of the GDP equation(even adjusted for inflation, like your graph) could show growth or productivity where there is none simply by having gov’t spend newly created dollars.

        You know who else had a great GDP by your measure for a while? Zimbabwe.

      • Right. Because the 11,200,000% hyperinflation that happened in Zimbabwe is exactly what’s going on here in the United States.

        The assertion put forward was that President Obama made the economy worse than it was when he was sworn in. That is not the case, and even Mitt Romney admits that…now.

    • lily

      you’re an idiot. it not just the “delusional racists” (i assume you are referring to republicans) that are upset about the 5 trillion mr obama has spent in the past 4 years. no one expected him to poof anything away, but has has only made it worse. each job (mainly government ones) he has “created” cost over 6 million dollars, where is the return on investment for that one? The democrats will rip the big banks, but they paid back the bailout money years ago…when will GM pay back the money obama gave them? thats what I thought. The fact is, the man has NO idea how to handle the economy or run a county. Don’t get me wrong, I think Romney is a total douche, but all you dumb liberals enamored with Obama are morons, because he has done very little during his reign.

      • So the alternative is don’t vote at all? Romney and his ilk are absolute dicks who hate women, gays, racial minorities, the poor, senior citizens (of which I am one), immigrants, and anyone who has concerns about “the other guy.” I believe I’ll stick with Obama.

        You want to do away with civil rights for all of the above-noted groups? Then go ahead and vote for the Republicans.

      • qwerty

        Vito, you do realize that we’ve had Republican presidents before, right?

      • Devilish Diva

        @Qwerty: Yeah, Qwerty and the Republican presidents all sucked ’cause they tax middle class people like my family a ton while giving a free pass to their millionaire buddies.
        I’ve worked since I was 15 years old to build up my own business. I don’t want to be raped figuratively (or literally—as the Republicants parse words as to what is rape) by the rich.
        OBAMA 2012!

      • @Lily
        Utter bullshit.

  23. Chris

    Not that it makes it any less of a WTF moment, but that should be DNC Chairwoman, not Chairman.

  24. Not a bad idea as long as someone else writes their speech. Kerry is alright but ScarJo can fuck this up if she goes rogue.

  25. Noah

    “Scarlett Johansson Will Speak At DNC”

    Because nothing prepares you about the intricatces of public policy like being an over-paid actress.

  26. Scarlett Johansson Bikini Cellulite
    Commented on this photo:

    This is such a distortion. What actually happened was Bill Clinton said “You get that Scarlett Johansson in here, and I’ll clear off a place for her to sit” and then began brushing at his face giggling like a 14 year old boy.

  27. Skeeter

    I’d let Scarlett sit on my face right after I motorboat her tits and then I’d pound her glorious anus.

  28. Fukin ScarJo's ass

    Unemployment: “I just want to work on things that are really hard, and when I’m not working on things that are really hard, I want to hang out with people I like to be with, and that’s it.”
    Unemployment?, sounds more like a Porn Starlet-which she’d excel at-especially the figure four deepthroat leg lock

  29. Scarlett Johansson Bikini Cellulite
    Commented on this photo:

    It must be mistaken, this is Cellulite Johansson not Scarlett Johansson !

  30. Scarlett Johansson Bikini Cellulite
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s so gorgeous anyway. She has a face like a goddesss :)

  31. Scarlett Johansson Bikini Cellulite
    Commented on this photo:

    Whoever wrote this article is obviously a pre-pubescent boy with a pink pencil dick & a lot of insecurities. Ever get laid? Nope. I didn’t think so. Scarlett Johanssen is extremely hot… one of the hottest women in the world, in fact. So you keep whacking off to photoshopped pics in your daddy’s magazines and let adult men appreciate a beautiful woman without intervention from the peanut gallery. You are seriously a loser. I would love to see you in a bathing suit jerk. I need a good laugh!

  32. Scarlett Johansson Bikini Cellulite
    Commented on this photo:

    ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? every girl has cellulite. it’s how bodies work. ugh people like this disgust me. photoshopped girl in magazines have given you a unrealistic point of view, girls aren’t perfect, all girls have that type of stomach unless they don’t eat. which i won’t judge you for doing but is really unhealthy. you guys need to get a grip and realize that not all girls look like this and you are going to have to settle. this NEVER happens to guys. think about that

  33. Scarlett Johansson Bikini Cellulite
    An actual man's opinion
    Commented on this photo:

    coming from a MAN – chubby is better than anorexic…

  34. Scarlett Johansson Bikini Cellulite
    Commented on this photo:

    Hey scarlett i love you dear. i like to watch your all movies and in your movies i love your attitude that’s why i love you dear. :) :)

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