Sarah Jessica Parker is just plain ugly

September 25th, 2007 // 309 Comments

Mother of God, is it possible for someone to be less attractive? I don’t get how any man could find her the least bit arousing. Even if solid gold coins shot out of her ears during sex, there’s no way I’d go near Sarah Jessica Parker. Sure I’d be filthy rich, but my wang would never talk to me again. And it’s important for the two of us to maintain open lines of communication. I need to know when he’s got to pee, and he needs to know when I’m drunk. So he’s ready for some mystery spelunking. Will he be in a woman tonight or a bagel? Therein lies the mystery.


  1. michelle

    she has ALWAYS been ugly

  2. veggi

    Ted, Ha! Aren’t they all? I don’t mind listening to em, but I wish they they didn’t get sick all the time.

    wow. I went there, didn’t I…….

  3. large marge

    I think she’s lovely, and extremely charasmatic.
    Not a flattering picture, though!

  4. Jeffrey

    I think you guys are way off the mark with this one. I enjoy it as much as the next person when you pick on fallen stars but what’s up with SJP comments. She looks great, takes care of herself, has had a hit series, perfected her craft in the theatre, is never surrounded by drama, is happily married with kids. Come on you guys can do better than this.

  5. Reg Dunlop

    So Sarah Jessica Parker and a horse walk into a bar and the bartender says ” hey ,why the long face”?

    Beuller should have married Sloane

  6. FishReadersRUgly

    Fish readers are ugly Hemlock Queen. They know it and resent someone like you reminding them. Now excuse me. I just scored a kilo of blow. I’m going to snort half of it, look in a mirror, see that I’m pretty again and write something viscious, nasty, and witty about Sarah.

  7. hendero

    hey, can’t we just mole on from making fun of her. Quit being a-moles. Uh, moh. Holey Moley Batman, what’s up with that? Show me the Moley.

  8. Bam

    54, did you neglect to look at those photos? or any photo of her for that matter?

  9. combustion8

    yeah we’ve all pretty much known this since 1985.

  10. Lily

    SJP is beautiful! How typical that every person on here automatically agree with everything this poster says. You like to stroke his ego, eh? How original of you all. Really. Kudos.

  11. schack

    i don’t hate sjp, 54. in fact, i don’t even think she’s ugly. these days, it’s become obvious that what one lacks in a plain face can easily be made up for with excessive thinness, which is why she’s so thin, and…pretty.

    i just hate the show. i think the women on it are really sad, and the men are even sadder. britney spears has a better chance at happiness than these characters do. not sure why no one can see that.

  12. SheISGross

    I think Fish is fully capable of stroking his own ego, but not to pictures of her. Are you her sister?

  13. Boogie

    This is not news.

  14. steve

    sure, she’s ugly. Ask anyone.

    But on the lighter side, I’m just glad Paris Hilton hasn’t released a new sex tape. Or flashed the paparazzi her overworked vajayjay. I’m convinced the only reason she hasn’t is that if she did, you’d just see a smoking hole with flames shooting out of it, with volcanic eruptions all around it shooting smoking crabs out of puss lava craters.

  15. Wombatty

    #57, i just spewed diet dr. pepper everywhere!!! Moley mole….HA HA HA!!!!

  16. not before lunch

    #64, i just puked. A little bit.

  17. stop regressing

    I’m sorry, but are all of you in junior high? “OH MY GOSH, would you look at what she’s wearing???? OH MY GOSH, she is just so ugly!!”
    SJP may not live up to your expert opinions of what constitutes outward beauty, but I’m very sure that you don’t live up to her opinion of what constitutes intelligence and maturity.

  18. Ted from LA

    It is true that her father is Secretariat? I was trying to do the math, but I didn’t want to have to take off my shoes.

  19. veggi

    Ted, can’t your dick tell you the answer?

  20. adeliza


  21. sandi geoghegan

    Sarah Jessica Parker is not ugly, that was a bad shot..she isn’t the classic beauty, however, the whole package is really attractive, and she is extremely talented, and quite smart at marketing herself. her new fragrance COVET DRIVES MY HUSBAND CRAZY,,,, GO BUY A BOTTLE!!!!!

  22. Ted from LA

    My dick told me she can run a mile and a quarter in 1:59 and 2/5 seconds so you do the math.

    For all you debaters about whether she is pretty or not, who gives a shit? I thought this is supposed to be a humorous site. For the record I think she is lovely and barely resembles her famous father Big Red at all. I am just happy the Fish listened to me and brought in new blood. One more Kim Carcrashian story and I was out of here.

  23. Magoudiah

    I must say that she is beautiful in her own way. What is she 42? People take a GOOD look at your own mothers and then say she is ugly. Not so many over 40 year olds look as beautiful as she does. It is not right to compare Parker to 20 year old girls.

  24. Quinn

    I’ve always thought she was UGLY… she’s skinny yeah whoopy.
    Why are there a bunch of posters defending her?? WTF are you doing on this site? Unsuperficial comments should be deleted.

  25. shes wasn't HORRIBLE

    in the early 90′s she wasn’t as bad.

  26. curious

    I hear Matthew Broderick is going to be indicted for breaking bestiality laws.

  27. ShelCBell

    You guys are such LOSERS-sitting at your computer all day, racing to be the first to post comments on new celebrity pictures. Don’t you have jobs, or kids? You are all judging people you are jealous of, that’s why you say those mean things about people you DO NOT EVEN KNOW! The only decent person on here is “stop regressing”. Go get an education or something.

  28. too funny

    #72 Ted, you are cracking me up. I agree with Quinn at #74.

    Defenders of this horse faced whore…go curl up in a chat room and hug each other. And talk about High School Musical, or whatever it is your kind talk about.

  29. she reminds me of

    JENNIFER MANISTON. THEY ARE INTERCHANGEABLE to me. I’ve heard people confuse them before.

  30. TS

    All you “first,” “second,” etc…people are fucking idiots. I can’t handle it anymore. You have graduated from being just dorks to fucking idiots. Haul ass retards.

  31. ShelcBell's dad

    ShelCbell, i find your sassy attitude hot.

    But you sound like a total asshole.

    So that pretty much kills it for me.

  32. Alex

    She isn’t ugly, she’s just getting old. I find her quite glamorous and charming, a beauty of her own kind. I agree with an earlier poster who said you all constantly have to agree with The Superfish. I mean, come on. SJP is not ugly. If you want ugly, google “Beth Ditto”.

  33. #77

    im at work right now.

  34. SheIsGross

    @ 67 – Wow, that really hurt! Now I’M going to have to do a boatload of blow to make myself pretty when I look in the mirror…

  35. jrzmommy

    i’ve seen prettier heads on hammers.

  36. amy

    Sex in the City was an awesome show…and I only saw the reruns on TBS. They had such cool friendships and I think that’s why the show apealled to many women.

  37. LOL, #39 and #40 – classic.

    She does have pretty eyes, a lot of talent, a beautiful voice, and she’s rich – let us never forget that point.

    It’s just time for a better hairstyle.

  38. TS

    #’s 25 and 31, great call.

    And again, just to reitterate, #1 and #2, fucking idiots. Beat it.

  39. oh yeah those SITC chicks are whores

    She’s got lips like pedals. Not rose pedals. Bicycle pedals.

    YES i KNOW it’s rose petals. But it’s a print medium, ya gotta make it work.

  40. michael

    I’ve seen nicer legs on a table. Have you ever seen her HANDS?

    (shudders, penis crawls back up inside body, flips thru phone book for “Monastery”).

  41. Headcheese

    I’d like to see a giant metallic bee swoop down and try to suck nectar from her flower. It would get angry when it discovered it was actually filled with rancid snatch juice and pierce her body dozens of times with a three foot stinger.

    Of course, of course, she’d survive and write in her column about how she experienced unearthly pleasure… “Finally, I realize what I really needed was a violent piercing by a heavy metal wasp…”

    Hate her.

  42. ShelCbell

    I am hot. And educated. Wanna pic? Post your email, LOL. I am NOT an asshole, if I were, why would I be defending innocent people being attacked by others who have no foundations for their mean-spirited comments?

  43. adeliza

    I love being on a page where the word RETARD is not considered offensive!!!!

    The other day at work I said that a policy we have is retarded. I was almost handed my head on a plate. Not because of my disdain for the policy, but for saying retarded!

    I wonder if they would have a problem with fucktard?

  44. IWONKY

    dick on forehead = dickhead
    K-fed = dickface
    Britney = shitface
    SJP = horseface
    mole on face = herpes
    Do you really want my herpes?
    Do you really want these scabs like mine?

  45. okay, I'll take it

    Okay, ShelcBell. It’s

    Let’s see how hot.

    “Sassy is the new hotness”….

  46. biddy

    can someone help me out here…

    i’m a wealthy, good-looking woman in my 30′s, and i’m seeing like 5 different guys, which even with two young ones isn’t enough for my blossoming libido, and like, i can have sex and get off, and i have decent conversations about the best wines and esoteric movies, but i just can’t seem to fall in love. ultimately i don’t really care about any of them- like- they could just die and it would be like it happened on a t.v. show. i’d be sad for ten minutes, but then i would forget.

    i’ve tried online dating, i’ve tried bars, i’ve tried galleries, private parties, public parties, sex parties, colleagues, rich guys, poor guys, young guys, old guys, pretty guys, evil guys, quiet guys, buffoons, jokesters, poets, logicians, financiers, philosophers… i just CAN’T fall in LOVE.

    does anyone know what i’m doing wrong *shoots in the dark*?

  47. weener

    #71…her new perfume drives your husband crazy?

    Does he imagine he’s spelunking her butt while he’s doing you?


    I just don’t get a woman saying, “Hey! Smell between my tits! Hope this makes you think of Sarah jessica Parker!”

  48. veggi

    I hear ya adeliza! fucktard is one of my favorite words. AND I love to tell people they must have had one too many retard sammiches- what’s the world coming to?

  49. Oops, I crapped my pants!

    She’s not ugly, she’s just ugly boned.

  50. Headcheese

    @93 Try using “cunty” with the office… Like: “I can’t stand to work with R&D any more, they’re just to cunty.

    Or, “Sex & The City is way to cunty for me. I’d rather watch UFC.”

    Should warm them right up to you.

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