Sarah Palin Isn’t Running For President? GTFO.

October 6th, 2011 // 78 Comments

I don’t want to tarnish Steve Jobs by saying here’s another thing absolutely everyone saw coming this morning, but Sarah Palin has finally announced she’s not going to run for president because God told her not to. So just assume it involved the words, “Bitch, I will shoot lightning bolts at you from a helicopter.” Via ABC News:

After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. As always, my family comes first and obviously Todd and I put great consideration into family life before making this decision. When we serve, we devote ourselves to God, family and country. My decision maintains this order.
My decision is based upon a review of what common sense Conservatives and Independents have accomplished, especially over the last year. I believe that at this time I can be more effective in a decisive role to help elect other true public servants to office – from the nation’s governors to Congressional seats and the Presidency. We need to continue to actively and aggressively help those who will stop the “fundamental transformation” of our nation and instead seek the restoration of our greatness, our goodness and our constitutional republic based on the rule of law.

And here’s the best part of this story. Just two weeks ago, Sarah Palin sent out a campaign letter asking for money to help her decide whether or not to run. No, really:

Alaska Republican Sarah Palin is “on the verge of making her decision of whether or not to run for office” – and her backers should write a check right away, a letter from her political action committee says.
The Sept. 20 letter from SarahPAC treasurer Tim Crawford says: “It’s one of the most difficult and important decisions of her life. And I want her to know that she has our support.”

I was just about to insult anyone stupid enough to send this dipshit grifter money, but then I realized you people probably saved America by lining her pockets with one last job. Seriously, if she couldn’t buy a solid gold hunting rifle – or an Alaska mountain cottage filled with free-donging chocolate mandangaloes – we might have had to hear her pretend to run right up until the Oct. 31 deadline. On that note, ring the bells! It’s safe to come out for Halloween, children! Huzzah!

Photos: Getty, Splash News


  1. Cock Dr

    Palin is a middling intellect money hustler.
    Why would she want to go back into public service? It’s HARD work and she ran from it as soon as her activities were given any scrutiny.

    • Dan

      I’m just glad we won’t have to listen to her completely annoying screech voice for another campaign cycle.

    • Parker

      ahahaha she’s not running for President? get out! Like what dummy hasn’t figured out she’s just an annoying interloper whose only original idea was to make a living off people who can tolerate the sound of her voice? I wouldn’t even pork her ass.

    • media whore

      After sifting through ALL of her emails from when she was in office, no smoking gun. Nothing of interest. It was a bust! Bet that really took the wind out of your sails, eh Cock Dr?
      What she ran from was a daily rectal exam, not just your garden variety scrutiny.
      And she continues to cash in, as long as the media gives her a voice. So, Fish is indirectly feeding the pig, as it were. Deliciously ironic!

    • Van Bones

      Obama is guilty of bestiality.

  2. Levi

    I don’t really blame this woman for doing what she does. If I had idiots sending me money for saying stupid ass shit on TV and the media talking about me non-stop I would take advantage of it too.. it is the American way.

  3. LJ

    Ed Rollins purchase of the Iowa Straw Poll for Bachman was worth every cent to the Republican Party.

  4. I’d rather send her money and consider myself derp oh, let’s say, 3, than camp out in front of Wall Street where the derp has clearly been turned up to 11.

  5. FingerFuckingSally

    THANK GOD!!!! There are enough fucking ignorant and annoying women in the public eye already!

  6. Dude of Dudes

    Does this mean Kanye can come out from under that blanket now? Might as well step out of the closet while he’s at it.

  7. She wouldn’t have won and the GOP needs a winner. Herman Cain is looking good. Sorry, Libs – your guy Obama is toast in ’12.

    • Foxhunter

      Uh, when the noreasters begin to blow up the skirts of the GOP electorate, they’ll have starbursts in their eyes for some other oddball candidate. It’s already been what, 3, 4, or 5 ‘contenders’ since the debates began? Yeah, keep on humping the pizza magnate.

      It will be Paulie Walnuts a/k/a Mittens Romney when all the huffing subsides and they realize that he’s the only one close to neutral on the sanity meter….he just can’t stake a position and hold it.

      • it’s no different with the dems. front runner glory boys (and girls) eventually fall back.

        Cain makes sense. He’s smart, he’s black (don’t pretend that isn’t a major plus) and the country is fed up with Obama.

      • Duke

        Yeah, Eric. Being a black repug is a plus, just ask Allan Keys.

    • After Hermain’s “black people are brainwashed” comment, I don’t think he’s winning any favours from the black community. Of all the Republicans, I think Jon Huntsman is the sanest and smartest, but he hasn’t got a shot in Hell.

  8. Rapsutin's Evil Twin

    While it makes Jon Stewart’s job harder, and ends Tina Fey’s side gig, it’s champagne for everyone! (Except for me – a second bottle of vodka will be fine.) Now, will she go back to her “job” at Faux Spews as a “commentator”,
    or do what most Alaskans want her to do – go off somewhere and die of shame?

  9. I can rough russia from ma basement

    Wait a minute! Those checks were sent for her to make up her mind and make a decision; it was not for her to run for the Presidency. This article is trying to make her seems like she mislead people. you atta be ashamed.

  10. Sarah Palin Not Running For President
    Commented on this photo:

    What has two thumbs, likes snorting coke off of an oil drum, and blowing NBA players? This gal!

  11. Foxhunter

    Holy shit, I didn’t know she had opposable thumbs.

    • media whore

      “57 states” – “navy corpse-men” – “8 miles a gallon” – “Jew/janitor” – calling terrorist detainees at Gitmo “folks” – “We’re the country that built the Intercontinental Railroad.” yeah Obama is a real brainiac!
      But you wouldn’t know since Letterman doesn’t bother. It’d be racist of him.

  12. I can rough russia from ma basement

    I did say misled right?

  13. This I know....

    she couldnt be any worse than obama

    • Any Guy

      sure, a quitter who couldn’t hack being mayor for more than two years would totally be able to run the country. god you’re fucking dumb. go cry into your empty wallet ultra-douche. you and your ilk got FLEECED by a bitch who has to write on her hand to remember talking points, and you all thought she was gonna run and ‘scare all the libs’. HAHAHAHA. FAILURE of EPIC proportions.

      • Inmate 12236969

        Governor you dumb ass she still had more experience than that fucking loser you put in the WH who can’t do a fucking thing but blame Bush for everything. So bend over and have BHO fuck you in your ass and he won’t even give you a reach around.

      • You Son

        Jeez Dad, stay off the internet. That reach around comment is so 1980′s and I know Mom is tired of hearing it when your talking to the dog.

      • Van Bones

        We could have actually had a female human in the white house.

    • Errr, ok

      In what respect, Charlie?

      • Inmate 12236969

        Yo son it still works so go cut the fucking grass before I put my foot up your ass and tell you mother to come here I need some head.

  14. Deacon Jones

    Maybe she was watching Bachmann on TV and thought to herself -

    “Whoa, this bitch is SMART. Better GTFO of Dodge…”

  15. Sarah Palin Not Running For President
    Commented on this photo:

    She has the sweetest tits. I’d love to bang them in her oval orifice

  16. forrest gump

    I personally think the united states of america aren’t ready for this yet.

    • “United States of America” is a singular noun, not a plural one, asshole. And you suck with the desperate, unrelenting energy of a coke-needy Vegas whore working for a fistful of $50,000 chips.

      Fuck off and die.

      • Any Guy

        arguing with a racist conservative is like trying to kick water uphill, or arguing with a severely retarded child. they just won’t get it. ‘fuck off and die’ is the only thing that rube will understand.

    • I loathe this tool not because he’s a racist conservative but because he ‘s moronic fuckwaffle. His comments are so incredibly lame that he must use Google Translate, and he can’t even manage to do that without fucking it up.

    • “dump” is more like it.

  17. Sarah Palin Not Running For President
    Ben Dover
    Commented on this photo:

    When we serve, we devote ourselves to MONEY FAME THEN MONEY AND FAME THEN MAYBE God, family and country. My decision maintains this order.
    AHHH her 15 mins are almost up, now please go away

  18. all conservatives aren’t racist, just as all liberals aren’t sandal wearing weenies. I thought you lbs were supposed to be the tolerant ones.

    Fuck off and read a book.

    • Eric, sweetie, no one characterized conservatives as racist, just that one, so go learn to read, yourself. If you feel enough of a kinship with forrest gump to want to defend him, ask why that is.

      Secondly, “tolerance” means that “liberals” will listen while you spout whatever intolerant insults, “like sandal-wearing weenies”, that you want to until you’re empty. See, “liberals” are on the side that’s all for diversity – because we don’t want you to be denied any rights we have. We’re the guys who will defend to the death your right to make an ass of yourself and spew whatever hate-filled sewage your narrow mind can generate. We will not censor you and we will be goddamn inclusive because we won’t hunt you down and kill you or demand your pouty whining ass be stripped of the rights you want to deny others because we don’t like how you roll. But no power on earth can compel us to will smile politely and agree with you, or thank and bless you for your intolerance, bigotry, ignorance, malice, hate and outright stupidity, or give you a cookie for speaking your tiny mind.

      And if you think they go hand in hand, you’re a fucking infant.

      Now fuck off and learn to post underneath the relevant comment.

    • There’s condescending, and then here’s gay. One of these days you may know the differenence, but until you do, shut your pie hole in bars when there are no women patrons so you don’t let everyone know right away how much of a tool you are. Now run along and play in traffic, you fucking nimrod.

      • dude!

        You are just a condescending asswipe gay sounding puke. . Suck it. That is the way it is, and by the way, it is justifiable. Ha ha ha.

    • gyromancer

      Interesting how you assume justifiable is a guy – don’t any women speak up where you’re from? I call slow people who don’t get it “sweetie” all the time, it makes them smile and keeps me from ripping their heads off when I have to explain things for the 10th time.

  19. Sarah Palin Not Running For President
    Sweet Sarah
    Commented on this photo:

    “You know where this thumbs been? Yea, that’s right, in Glen Rice’s ass-that’s where.”

  20. it had to be said

    Sarah, seems like that was a hard decision. Give me a call and we’ll “talk” about it. Love, Glen Rice.

    P.S. leave your husband at home. Unless he’s into that watching-my-wife-get-banged-by-a-black-man thing. Anyway, give me a call.

  21. Sarah Palin Not Running For President
    Commented on this photo:

    “It’s always nice to see someone begging me for something. Other than Todd, I mean.”

  22. lolz

    You Americans and you’re weird weird ways.

  23. Sarah Palin Not Running For President
    Commented on this photo:

    “See? I know how to dress for the Jew districts.”

  24. cc

    Everyone who supported her is a stupid sucker. She left it to the last minute so dumb sheep would keep throwing money into SarahPAC. Now she’s left them twisting in the wind. Idiots.

  25. TomFrank

    1. You might want to fix the tag labelled “Politicis,” even though, let’s face it, no one comes here for politics and will use that tag, let alone feel deprived if they ever found out that one such post was omitted due to a misspelling.

    2. You might want to delete this comment after fixing the tag, because really, who else would give a shit.

  26. Sarah Palin Not Running For President
    Commented on this photo:

    ” ‘Have Willow call you when she turns 18′? Did you…did you just wink at me?”

  27. Sarah Palin Not Running For President
    God is Black
    Commented on this photo:

    “Lady, Why is your skin melting? Did someone pour water on you like the Wicked Witch of the West ?”

  28. Sarah Palin Not Running For President
    Commented on this photo:

    One word … MILF! ….. (Wait, is that one word or four?)

  29. GeorgeWBush

    To bad; was looking forward to a Palin/Quayle 2012 ticket

  30. Toy4Paco

    All I have to say is…. Thank God! Bitch should just go away!

  31. Aja

    Uh-oh, looks like she’s starting to hit the wall.

  32. Blech

    Sarah Palin run for president? Not by the hairs of her chinny chin chins!

  33. Cracker

    I love how she seems to think she is so important when in the last elections, more than half (but barely more) of those she endorsed lost.

    (To undermine my whole point, I’m not going to take the time to track down the actual numbers, but it is true. Come what may…)

  34. “Anybody for a game of Heads Up Seven up?”

  35. God

    As the resident God on thesuperficial since I created this reality over 2 years ago out of an outbranch of another reality near identical to this. I can confidently say that I, GOD, gave her no advice.

    Although if I were to give her advice: Bitch, I will shoot lightning bolts at you from a helicopter. Would not be far off from my “knee-jerk liberal reactions”. But then again, I am not a “knee-jerk liberal idiot” when it comes to my responses. I like people to hang themselves with as much rope as can be supplied. The one person hounded to run was Chris Christie, when he said no, she tried to stomp it with her, oh yeah me too. As if anyone with a half a brain cell wanted her to run.

    As a sidenote, Ive decided to cure alcoholism and obesity and decrease cancers by 50%> Thats why I havent been on the superficial for awhile. 3 months tops, my angels are working on it

  36. Sarah Palin Not Running For President
    Mama Pinkus
    Commented on this photo:

    because whoring for money as a repuke failure is much more lucrative

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