Sarah Palin Isn’t Running For President? GTFO.

I don’t want to tarnish Steve Jobs by saying here’s another thing absolutely everyone saw coming this morning, but Sarah Palin has finally announced she’s not going to run for president because God told her not to. So just assume it involved the words, “Bitch, I will shoot lightning bolts at you from a helicopter.” Via ABC News:

After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. As always, my family comes first and obviously Todd and I put great consideration into family life before making this decision. When we serve, we devote ourselves to God, family and country. My decision maintains this order.
My decision is based upon a review of what common sense Conservatives and Independents have accomplished, especially over the last year. I believe that at this time I can be more effective in a decisive role to help elect other true public servants to office – from the nation’s governors to Congressional seats and the Presidency. We need to continue to actively and aggressively help those who will stop the “fundamental transformation” of our nation and instead seek the restoration of our greatness, our goodness and our constitutional republic based on the rule of law.

And here’s the best part of this story. Just two weeks ago, Sarah Palin sent out a campaign letter asking for money to help her decide whether or not to run. No, really:

Alaska Republican Sarah Palin is “on the verge of making her decision of whether or not to run for office” – and her backers should write a check right away, a letter from her political action committee says.
The Sept. 20 letter from SarahPAC treasurer Tim Crawford says: “It’s one of the most difficult and important decisions of her life. And I want her to know that she has our support.”

I was just about to insult anyone stupid enough to send this dipshit grifter money, but then I realized you people probably saved America by lining her pockets with one last job. Seriously, if she couldn’t buy a solid gold hunting rifle – or an Alaska mountain cottage filled with free-donging chocolate mandangaloes – we might have had to hear her pretend to run right up until the Oct. 31 deadline. On that note, ring the bells! It’s safe to come out for Halloween, children! Huzzah!

Photos: Getty, Splash News