The Complete Superficial Review of Sarah Palin’s Bullshit War on Christmas Book
Over Thanksgiving, I decided to write a review of Sarah Palin’s Christmas book Good Tidings And Great Joy because, as I slowly learned the further I read, I fucking hate myself. What I thought would be a quick, fun jaunt turned into a goddamn labor of love spanning four posts that devoured my entire holiday. So to hopefully make the time that I’ll never get back not a complete waste, here’s my review collected in in its entirety which I tried to bound in the finest of leathers, but apparently you can’t do that with websites. (Racism!) Anyway, enjoy and feel free to fill the comments with ego strokes so I’m turgid enough to open my presents with it. You owe me.
Happy Holidays, Queen Elkunt of The North! A Review of Sarah Palin’s Christmas Book (Pt. 1)
“They took Christ out of Christmas. We’re not shopping there.”
These were the words out of my mother’s mouth one December when I was around seven or eight as we passed a small family-owned grocery store off Route 611 near our house in Scotrun, PA. You see, the owners had committed the cardinal sin of writing “Merry Xmas” in their storefront window panes instead of the full, godly “Merry Christmas,” and therefore were clearly consorting with the devil to ruin Jesus’ birthday party. As I grew older, I noticed, “Wait. There were only 10 windows. How were they supposed- ah, fuck it,” then filed it away between the times my best friend/neighbor brought a demon into our house with his Metallica T-shirt, and Magic: The Gathering made me lure my little brother into witchcraft. (In her defense, she’s since apologized for getting rid of my He-Mans because God is the only Master of the Universe.) Careful readers of similar childhoods who researched the bullshit they waded out of, and promptly had their heads exploded, will also probably know that “Xmas” was an acceptable, religious abbreviation of Christmas for centuries until American Christians decided to lose their shit leading us into the post-911, nationalism-orgy when Bill O’Reilly stoked the flames into a full blown “War on Christmas.” Ironically, this happened as two actual, real live wars with thousands of actual, real no-longer-live casualties were going on by order of a president who was simply following orders from the birthday boy’s dad. Which is kind of funny if you think about it except, no, not at all. We suck. America sucks.
Which brings me exactly to Sarah Palin.
Two weeks ago, Sarah Palin released her new book Good Tidings and Great Joy which was originally titled “A Happy Holidays IS A Merry Christmas” because fuck you, Hanukkah. Here’s how her ghostwriter describes it on Sarah’s Facebook page:
This book is not about isolated trivialities. It’s not really just about gingerbread cookies, or stockings hung by the chimney with care, or the big fat man with the long white beard. It’s not about one holiday at all. It’s about that little baby wrapped in swaddling clothes who arrived long before hope and change became political manipulations. It’s about Christ and our ability to worship Him freely. It’s about America, and what liberty truly means in our day-to-day lives…
Except here’s the much shorter synopsis I would’ve written because my words are awesome and have been known to smell of frankincense and myrrh:
Celebrate Christmas the Christian conservative way, or the government will shoot you in the dick.
Yup, that’s right. Sarah Palin somehow filled 232 thankfully small pages by boiling the War on Christmas down to its purest, ideological liquid form and shooting it all over the face a government-funded Nativity scene. (Plus recipes!) And for those of you wondering why I’m even wasting my time writing about it, let alone reading it in the first place, when Sarah Palin is nothing more than a national punchline to Republicans as much as Democrats, it’s simple: There are an alarming amount of people who think exactly like her. They shut down the government just last month! On top of that, later today – assuming you’re reading this on Thanksgiving – some of you are going to be sitting at a dinner table trying not to fashion a shiv out of a turkey leg while eyeing up jugulars. And really that’s who this production is for along with satisfying my love of squeezing the moose-juice out of low-hanging fruit. Because, holy shit, the ridiculousness is palpable, so let’s get to it.
I’ve actually read Going Rogue, so I can safely say that if there’s one thing Sarah Palin loves more than stringing random words together in an attempt to form a coherent thought, it’s making her ghostwriter write about how much more awesome her life is than your because she lives in Alaska. So naturally she spends the introduction judging anyone not named Sarah Palin for the following things:
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”
Whoops, my bad. Those are commie verses from the book of Matthew. I don’t know how they got in there. Where was I? Oh, right, Sarah Palin judging some tits off:
Don’t have a white Christmas? JUDGED!
Live in a town that cancels school if it actually does snow? JUDGED!
Don’t bake from mid-November to New Year’s? JUDGED!
Drink coffee on Christmas morning instead of creating elaborate scavenger hunts every single year? JUDGED!
Eat non-moose-based chili from a crock pot that hasn’t been on for two weeks? JUDGED!
Receive gifts from your husband that aren’t lures, firearms, or chopped wood? JUDGED IN THE CLIT, SISTER!
And that last one is where it gets just – *kisses fingers* – c’est magnifique because here’s how Sarah describes finding her manly man of a husband Todd just the perfect present last Christmas. Christmas 2012:
Last year, however, I think I was able to pull off a good one for him. To combat the anti-gun chatter coming from Washington, I surprised him with a nice, needed, powerful gun. I then asked him for a metal gun holder for my four-wheeler. Not only was this small act of civil disobedience fun, it allowed me to finally live out one of my favorite lines from a country song: “He’s got the rifle, I got the rack.”
Gee, I wonder what could’ve happened just 11 days before Christmas last year to get everybody from both political parties all riled up about guns? It seems like they’re always getting their panties in a bunch about somet- Sandy Hook. It was Sandy Hook. An event where a mentally unstable Adam Lanza got a hold of his survivalist mom’s arsenal and killed her with it before making his way to an elementary school where he shot to death four teachers and 20 defenseless children then turned a gun on himself in the most shocking mass murder on American soil since 9/11. And what is Sarah Palin’s reaction to first graders being mowed down while their parents were at home wrapping their Christmas presents? “Yeehaw! Guns and tits.” This is the person’s who lecturing you on spirituality.
From there, it’s more talk about how Christmas is such a magical time for children because apparently now is when it’s time to “please, think of the children” and not when, oh I dunno, they’re being shot in the face before recess. They like that. Anyway, Christmas is wonderful and beautiful for everyone, so Sarah can’t understand why a few, if there’s even more than one, “thin-skinned, litigious” atheists want to ruin it for everybody by bringing up the Establishment Clause and effectively winning court cases with it because America kind of went crazy forgetting it existed during the Cold War. Which naturally dovetails into the age-old, white conservative trope of “people get offended too easily” that’s especially rich considering this entire book is Sarah Palin being offended that public institutions are following the Constitution and wanting big government to tell everyone which religion is awesome because it’s Christianity. Christianity is awesome. Because if it doesn’t, then this is just the “tip of the spear” of Christmas being illegal and everyone drinking eggnog under the cover of darkness. “What’s the password?” they’ll ask at the Candy Cane Speakeasy provided the Atheist Terminators don’t spot the Santa hat under your coat with their infrared sensors first. NO ONE IS SAFE.
1. ANGRY ATHEISTS WITH LAWYERS
Welcome to the first chapter in Good Tidings and Great Joy, a place few will make it to because I had to stop myself from lighting this book on fire and salting the earth where the ashes fall halfway through the introduction. What follows in this chapter is a passage I’ve included in it’s entirety at the end. (Dear HarperCollins lawyers, SPLADOW.) that proves Sarah Palin’s ghostwriter is either pulling the greatest troll in the history of publishing or is a fucking robot because no person alive could’ve wrote any of this seriously without shoving their face into a wolf’s mouth. Because essentially what it spells out is that Sarah Palin’s ideal America is small towns where everyone drives pickup trucks down strip mall-laden streets to a capitalist mecca, Walmart to you layfolk, where they’re free to smoke Marlboros inside before sending their children off to public school to be baptized in the Holy Spirit. It’s literally that ridiculous that it’s its own commentary which is why I transcribed the whole thing, and so I’m not the only one who’ll bet cash money that there’s an early draft where Joe McScrooge sees a pregnant woman and tries to abort her baby with a copy of The God Delusion.
It was too cold, the wind was too strong, and his rental car smelled vaguely of cigarette smoke. His plane had been thirty minutes late, and Joe McScrooge was angry. While he waited for his car to heat up, he turned on the satellite radio, which was thankfully already tuned to NPR. The host was interviewing a man who was helping underprivileged children overcome their religious superstition, intolerance, and bullying tendencies.
He glanced at the clock: 6:35. The airport was at least twenty minutes from Benjamin Franklin Elementary School, according to his GPS, so he had no time to waste to get to his son’s Winter program.
It was his first visit to this small Pennsylvania town since his ex-wife gained custody and moved almost two thousand miles away from the warm sands of New Mexico. He turned up the radio and listened to the host’s calming voice. He needed to hear some reasonable conversation before the forced sentimentality of the school program.
It was dusk, but he could still check out the town through the glass of his windshield. Shabby. Low-class. A strip mall here, a strip mall there—no apparent zoning rules or urban planning. And, of course, there it was, the inevitable Wal-Mart Supercenter. He snorted to himself as he passed a fast-food restaurant with a sign that read,
What the heck does religion have to do with french fries?
At a stop sign, a man walked his huge unpedigreed dog in front of Joe’s car into a small park that had a sign:
There, across the field, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a cross next to a statue of a soldier kneeling in prayer. His grip tightened on the steering wheel. “As if only Christians have died for their country,” he said to himself as he watched the sweaterless dog shake free of his master’s grip on the leash. “Our wars aren’t holy wars, our soldiers aren’t holy men, and that’s a government park.”
He pushed it from his mind as he drove into the center of town. Wreaths were hanging from every storefront. Christmas lights wrapped around the light poles were blinking relentlessly. Red ribbons flapped sloppily in the breeze, Joe noticed. The lights were multicolored and garish, and Joe was annoyed at their distraction. As he drove closer to the court square, however, his jaw dropped.
There, right next to the courthouse—between a metal newspaper box and a ridiculously oversized menorah—was the unmistakable outline of a Nativity scene. It included the baby Jesus, the “virgin” Mary, and her gullible fiancé, Joseph. The only miracle in that story was the fact that Joseph apparently fell for Mary’s story of a divine insemination.
The Bible’s no better than The Jerry Springer Show, Joe thought. How on earth do these people believe such drivel? He took the turn slowly, checking out the cheap plastic baby Jesus doll nestled in hay.
He could almost feel his blood pressure rise. The doctor had warned him. “Avoid stress,” he had said. “Stay away from difficult situations.” Joe actually laughed out loud as he remembered that conversation in the doctor’s office. He was going to see his son for the first time in six months, visit with his ex-wife, and meet her new boyfriend. That was stressful enough.
“Now I have to be reminded I’m an outsider in my own country?”
He took one last glance at the public display, and mumbled to himself, “Namaste,” as he drove through town.
The school parking lot was almost full, and he had to drive near the football stadium, weaving through minivans and SUVs. He parked between two pickup trucks, one sporting a red-and-gold Semper Fi window decal, the other a faded, peeling McCain/Palin ’08 bumper sticker. Joe audibly gagged. As he walked by the older buildings, he noticed the school wasn’t as new and shiny as the more modern Cesar Chavez School his son used to attend. Before his ex-wife got custody and moved to this dump of a town. The school’s sign read, in slightly crooked black letters:
“Do only Christians attend this school?” he asked the teenage girl handing out programs.
“Excuse me?” she asked, smiling through her braces and fumbling with her WELCOME. MY NAME IS: REBECCA name tag. Joe reminded himself that it wasn’t her fault. She was just a kid. He doubted that school even taught about the separation of church and state.
“Never mind,” he said, taking the program and hoping he wouldn’t run into his ex before the show started.”
“Merry Christmas,” Rebecca chirped as he walked away.
He stopped in his tracks, turned around slowly, and curtly respond, “A happy holiday to you, too.” She smiled and continued to hand out programs, completely oblivious to how insensitive she was acting. He found a seat in the back row and tried to relax. But when he opened the program and glanced over the songs, his hands began to tremble. Three of the ten songs were definitely religious carols: “Silent Night,” “Joy to the World,” and “Little Drummer Boy.” He exhaled to calm his nerves. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he was back in that old dusty church of his childhood. When the lights finally went down, the principal bounded up the steps and strode across the stage. She was slightly overweight, Joe couldn’t help but notice, and her goofy green reindeer-adorned sweater looked as shabby as the rest of the town.
“Merry Christmas, everyone,” she sang. “Thank you so much for coming out on this cold night for our program.” As soon as her religion-specific greeting faded from the echo of the cheap public-address system, children standing on bleachers began singing the most dreary of all songs: “Silent Night.” Joe plastered a smile on his face, and scanned the rows of children to find his son. They all looked the same from his back-row seat. Finally, his eyes focused on his boy, and he found himself scooting forward and waving and grinning at him in spite of his bad mood. His son looked taller than he remembered, and so handsome standing there in the second row, fifth young man from the left. Joe could tell his son was singing the words happily, not even realizing the offensive silliness of the whole production.
At that, all his joy faded.
Joe sighed, got out his iPhone, and tried to shield its glow with his hand. “You seriously won’t believe where I am,” he tapped out on his phone. He hadn’t talked to this lawyer since the divorce proceedings, but he knew he’d get a kick out of this one. “I’ve seen more constitutional violations with my own eyes in just the past hour than a prison guard at Abu Ghraib.” He pressed send, slid the phone into his pocket, and tried to focus. The children had thankfully transitioned to “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Still ridiculous, but not as … well, illegal. He couldn’t believe he’d come all this way just to be marginalized. He’d been marginalized in his family, and now he’d been marginalized by his country.
Just a few seconds later, his phone beeped. Joe ran his hands over the side to turn off the volume. The text was from his lawyer, and it simply said:
Seasons Greetings, Titty-Titty-Gun-Gun! A Review of Sarah Palin’s Christmas Book (Pt. 2)
Welcome back to The Superficial review of Sarah Palin’s new book Good Tidings and Great Joy where her ghostwriter details the quitting governor’s thoughts on The War on Christmas, and why good Christians should fight back against liberals who are making sure our government doesn’t advocate a national religion like The Constitution says it shouldn’t. (Everyone knows the only real amendment is the second one anyway, amirite?) So here are two more chapters from “The Establishment Clause? How Does It Work?” written by the rootin’ tootin’est protector of Christmas in America for to you enjoy in the midst of Black Friday shopping and/or nestled safe and sound in your basement where you won’t get beaten for 70% off Pyrex. On a clear day, I can get the news in my knees…
2. KNOWING THE END FROM THE BEGINNING
In this chapter, a leather boots-wearing Sarah Palin always makes sure the local government in Wasilla puts up a Nativity scene while during her time as mayor in the 90s. Much like Going Rogue, this includes exchanges with townfolk that sound too syrupy, saccharine good to be true that naturally there’s no way to verify whether they did or didn’t happen. It’s her signature writing style:
“I don’t know how much longer we’ll get to do this,” he confided. “Cities are getting sued left and right for acknowledging the true meaning of Christmas nowadays. And the local politicians with the guts to to stand up to the protests are caving in like an Alyeska avalanche.”
I’d already heard the preemptive defense some of our Rotarians had prepared in case they needed to counter any criticism. It had become the hip thing that year across America to force anyone and everyone to abort Christ from Christmas. “Let me fight for you, Mr. Newcomb,” I said. “Tradition and truth are on our side. What’s the worst that can happen? Some yahoo from outside Alaska gets wind of this and sues? Shoot, no one ‘outside’ has even heard of Wasilla. Let’s do this, and be assured I have your back. I know you have mine.”
Did you catch all that? No one even knows where Wasilla is, so it’s perfectly okay to say fuck the Constitution and non-Christians under our little rock where no one will ever find them, muahahahaha. Put that arrow in your Sarah Palin’s Guide to Circumventing Decency Quiver alongside this next gem: About to get sued for your Nativity scene? Throw some Rudolph in that shit and, BOOM, secular holiday display.. defeating all the words she already wrote and will write about how that’s bad. But whatevs! And if that doesn’t work, sue the bastards which flies in complete contradiction to the previous chapter where Sarah Palin complains about lawsuits. Although, she does have a point because there are okay odds that some circuit judge will not only let you keep your Nativity scene, but also won’t make you put up other religious symbols in a spirit of inclusion because, c’mon, Kwanzaa? That sounds made up.
As to the point of all this, if we don’t stop atheists now – and this is Sarah Palin’s actual, 100% point – America will become Soviet Russia because atheism always cause bad shit to happen while Christianity always causes good shit. There is absolutely zero historical evidence that can refute that. None. And don’t even bring up the Spanish Inquisition because Sarah Palin will tell you atheism’s track record makes it “seem like Disneyland.” The good part with all the rides, I’ll assume she means, and not Epcot with all the science and learning. That’s a recipe for Communist chili, you betcha.
3. THE REAL THING
I’ll give Sarah Palin(‘s ghostwriter) this. She knows how to paint the picture of a quintessential Christmas. I grew up in the woods of northeastern Pennsylvania, so whenever someone starts talking about snow-covered trees and pastries on Christmas morning I get a nostalgia boner. I’m not gonna lie. I had great Christmases as a kid even while being in every Christmas pageant at our church, and sitting through Christmas Eve service with my cousins just waiting to go back to my house to meet my grandparents (They went to a different Presbyterian church that they’d gone to for decades the next town over.) for meatballs and crab dip while going apeshit over what loot we might get the next morning. And as much as I enjoyed these Christmases, and still have fond memories of them and the traditions I’ll carry on with my own family, I would never even think to force someone to look at them and say this is the only good and right way to spend December because I grasp the concept that other cultures exist and am also not a dick.
Sarah Palin is a dick.
Because her Christmases are snow-covered Norman Rockwellian affairs steeped in Evangelical Christianity, why shouldn’t the government force everyone to observe the symbol of her religion in tax-funded schools and buildings? Have you tasted her cinnamon buns?! They’ll make you toss Hanukkah in an oven. (Poor choice of words.) Even worse than Sarah’s logic and lack of concern for other cultures who, by the why, she’ll point out are still free to “hum songs of gratitude to Mother Earth while taking turns hugging bark on December 25″ (actual quote) or whatever those “other” religions do, is her understanding of history. And here’s where you get to see the mental gymnastics involved in reconciling known, indisputable facts about the origins of Christianity with your worldview that its magic is totally real, you guys. Sarah Palin argues, if all those ancient Pagan myths and symbols were so great, why was it so easy for Christianity to steal them for Christmas and become the main religion of Rome? Clearly, real live supernatural forces triumphed here, and not, oh I dunno, the vast weight of empire that decided, “Hey, we’re doing this now and you’ll like it.” Or in Sarah Palin’s words:
Does that mean Christians won the “war on Saturnalia”? You bet.
Later, Ulysses S. Grant made Christmas a holiday because as Sarah points out:
In this country, our federal holiday does not honor the agricultural gods of Rome or the pagan rituals of the winter solstice.
Which sounds reasonable because she’s only mentioning those goofy pagans Christianity stole a bunch of their shit from and not say Islam, Buddhism, Judiasm, Sikhism, or any other religions that a vast amount of Americans subscribe to who she’s basically telling to eat a dick because, c’mon, Christmas is AWESOME. How can you not love it? Plus it’s totally based on history because there was a guy named Jesus who was born while his parents were traveling back to their hometown because of a census even though there’s no historical record of said census taking place, nor were people required to return to their origin of their birth during them because that makes no fucking sense. But magic powers beat the pagans! PEW PEW PEW!
From there, Sarah Palin points that since America has a federal holiday for Christmas, that makes it a genuine historical event that everyone has to get on board with and stop saying “Happy Holidays” starting with the private sector she loves so much who took until the mid-2000s realized, “Hey, wait a minute, other religions but shit, too?” and through the beauty of the free market that Sarah also loves, they stopped mentioning Christmas specifically in December. Including her beloved Walmart, where dontcha know, she once married a couple as mayor. And it’s amazing that she’s bringing this up because here’s what Sarah Palin wrote in the introduction:
The pundits like to pretend that anyone who belongs to the “Christmas with Christ” version is picking a fight over a nonexistent problem. They trivialize the topic by reducing the whole issue to whether the cashier at the grocery store wishes customers “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays.” They say it’s about whether the kids’ two weeks off in December is called Winter or Christmas break.
THIS IS EVERYTHING SHE BITCHES ABOUT IN THE WHOLE CHAPTER. Because by secularizing Christmas, you take out Jesus, and without Jesus, we’d all be assholes murdering each other in the streets because Christianity is the only way anyone in the history of the world has had a moral compass. Who’s to say what’s wrong without a book telling us it’s shellfish. Shellfish is wrong. What’s that shrimp is delicious? Okay, then just stick the one about gays. And part of that secularization involves commercialization which Sarah Palin rails against by pointing out the lack of the word of Christmas in holiday ads. Bad, commercialization, bad. Sarah Palin doesn’t like what you’re doing to the Baby Jesus.
Or does she and clearly has no idea what the hell’s even in this thing because she didn’t write it? From her TODAY appearance on November 11:
This morning, Palin, while hawking her book, told Matt Lauer, “I love the commercialization of Christmas, because it spreads the Christmas cheer.”
Nnnehhh… ggehhh… nnneennnnh…
F*ck Me In The Solstice, Why Did I Do This? A Review of Sarah Palin’s Christmas Book (Pt. 3)
We now return to our review of Good Tidings and Great Joy already in progress…
[Ed. Note: Because I hate myself, I’ve been spending four hours of writing for every one hour of reading, so this is all the intro you’re getting. Suck it. – SW]
4. TRUE GRIT
Chapter 4 is all about the genuine “grit” of true American Christians, and before I even wade into that horseshit, I need to point out the deliciously oblivious irony of Sarah Palin using the title of a John Wayne movie when The Duke once wrote a letter to Ronald Reagan, Sarah’s other personal Lord and Savior, chewing him out for deliberately lying about the Panama Canal Treaty. History is fun! Anyway, like every chapter in this book, it starts with Sarah describing another idyllic Alaskan Christmas, only this one has to be more rugged and full of simple, down-home character, so it talks about storing the Christmas decorations under her dad’s ammo reloading bench for next year. Doesn’t everybody store their tinsel next to the bullets? That’s just good, wholesome American values. Now, Bobby, fetch me them little angel ornaments and don’t be shootin’ your baby sister.
From there, Sarah Palin expresses her love for private businesses who “fearlessly” put up proper, Jesus-based Christmas decorations in December which is a bullshit assertion for two reasons: 1. Private businesses have the absolute right to be huge dicks about their faith, and not a single person is arguing against that because, try and follow me here, THEY’RE NOT THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT. 2. As Sarah Palin lays out her guidelines for other businesses to follow suit, one of her main points is that very little people will even have a problem with it, so by that logic, it’s really not that “fearless” than is it? Sad and depressing for anyone hoping to advance society by embracing science so we can get our Starfleet on and fuck aliens, yes, but fearless, not so much.
So here are Sarah Palin guidelines for being a good Christian business because only honoring Christmas, and not respecting those other bullshit religions, is “good for the community, makes financial sense, and is the right thing to do.” A golly gee you betcha.
1. “Your business can reflect your community’s values and traditions.”
Here Sarah Palin starts with a quote from Sam Walton because if she has a third Lord and Savior after Jesus and Reagan, it’s Walmart. Which is just a perfect example because not even a week ago they got caught accepting more food donations for its employees who it doesn’t pay enough and is making work on Thanksgiving instead of having a day off with their families thanks to the expansion of Black Friday. So wholesome “values and traditions” all around. Then again, Thanksgiving didn’t birth a baby messiah into the world, so it can eat a dick. In fact, all it does is give liberals another excuse to whine and complain about how we “stole” this country from Native Americans even though everyone knows they lost it to us fair and square in a card game because of their gambling problem. Also, their spirit animals probably should’ve came up with Manifest Destiny first which is just more proof that Jesus owns all y’all’s shit. USA!
2. “Realize there are actually very few haters and cranks.”
I touched on this before, but here Sarah Palin makes it a point that naturally everyone is going to jump on and ride the hard sweet Jesus power shooting out of your business, so there’s no point in focusing on the very, very few – probably not even real – “haters.” And then she drops another oblivious gem:
Don’t be intimidated by this tiny minority. Just because they’re loud, doesn’t mean they’re right.
3. “Serve your customers well, and they’ll stick with you when you stick to your principles.”
And now’s the part where Sarah Palin brings up the Chick-fil-A debacle from last summer which I’m not even going to rehash. But her entire point is that since Chick-fil-A is so polite and full of delicious chicken meats, it’s customers were happy to proudly display their shithead bigotry. Which is why your business shouldn’t be afraid to piss in the face of anyone who’s not a straight, Christian Republican because people are “starving for high-quality businesses that also honor the community’s values–and don’t retreat from a fight.” So basically hate. They’re hungry for deep-fried hate. With biscuits.
4. “The media speaks for itself and not the masses. Ignore it.”
Translation: “FOX News fired me, and fuck you, Katie Couric.”
5. BAD NEWS, GOOD NEWS
Amazingly, Sarah Palin doesn’t start this chapter with another Alaskan Christmas, but what she does have is more fictional scenarios of a dark, atheist future and another list. She’s really into lists now. This chapter starts out with Sarah speaking at Southeastern University because a fool and his money shall soon be parted. Anyway, she uses that to give herself credentials to pretend she knows anything about the Arab Spring and how democracy didn’t work in Egypt because Islam isn’t Jesus Magic™. Which dovetails into this absolutely rich quote if you know anything at all about the Christian conservative right in America:
A democracy without respect for individual liberty is just a tyranny of the majority.
From there, she starts complaining about schools not pushing Christianity on students which is only weakening our Republic with “Obamaphone vouchers.” Oh, yes, she definitely brought up Obamaphones, the most widely refuted bullshit right-wing talking point of the past four years that even Sarah Palin should’ve known better to use. (If you don’t know, Lifeline is a free phone service started under Reagan for income-eligible citizens. It was expanded to included cellphones under George W. Bush. Even better, IT’S PAID FOR BY THE PHONE COMPANIES.) But Sarah Palin has another list of wisdom to help America get back on track and restore such old-fashioned values as “respect for life” and “love thy neighbor.” Which is ironic for a woman who just spent the previous chapter blowing a chicken joint for hosting a nationwide Hate Thy Neighbor day. As for respect for life, Sarah Palin is pro-death penalty, pro-war, and anti-things that actually keep people alive like food stamps, the Affordable Care Act, diplomacy, and gun control. “Because once your born, fuck you,” as Jesus so often said.
1. “Voters don’t want to give power to someone who doesn’t believe he or she will someday have to answer to the ultimate authority.”
2. “Faith has been an amazing force for good in our culture.”
Here is where Sarah Palin literally tries to say American Christianity ended slavery and started the civil rights movement. So just a refresher:
Who preached slavery was God’s will because it’s in The Bible? White southern churches.
Who was against miscegenation? White southern churches.
Who was against desegregation? White southern churches.
Who’s voted Republican ever since Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act? White southern churches.
And just for fun, how did Sarah Palin’s denomination the Assemblies of God start? As a white southern church.
They sure know how to pick their issues. Say, how’s that whole marriage thing going?
3. “Liberals tend to believe people are good, and institutions like the church or the traditional family are actually oppressive. … By contrast, conservatives tend to believe that people aren’t that great to start with. And without faith and family to guide us and reinforce values that often go against our selfish desires, we’ll drift toward our destruction.”
First off, I want Sarah Palin to take a look at the list in the last point, and then tell me the church isn’t oppressive. Without saying gays don’t count! (Or black people which you can practically see ricocheting inside her empty head.) Second, she goes off on liberals for handing out condoms and abortion pills and word salad word salad word salad, which means we don’t necessarily think people are “bad,” we just understand biology. Then again, if you raise your kids in a home filled with traditional, old-fashioned values and God-fearing, Alaskan Christmases, they won’t need condoms or Plan B to begin with. When has that ever backfired?
IT’S JESUS’ BIRTHDAY OR ELSE MUSLIMS!!! A Review of Sarah Palin’s Christmas Book (Pt. 4)
Welcome to the final installment of The Superficial review of Good Tidings and Great Joy which, yes, I’m completely willing to accept may have played a part in Paul Walker’s death. This shit got way out of hand, and God only knows who it’ll claim next if I don’t put an end to it soon. Unless I can somehow aim it… *tries to point post at Chris Brown* No, no, there’s been enough bloodsheed… *tries one more time*
6. SEEING DOUBLE … STANDARDS
If I haven’t mentioned it yet, Sarah Palin fucking loves Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. She mentions it at least once a chapter and almost always in the context of the Christmas spirit transforming Ebenezer Scrooge into a kind, generous employer. And yet this is the same woman whose moose-knuckle turns into a fire hydrant at the mere mention of Walmart, a company that has probably looked into getting slavery back on the books more than once. So in the same vein as A Christmas Carol – and the completely ridiculous Joe McScrooge from chapter one – Sarah Palin takes us to the future of our world because she’s a Highlander now if Highlanders are terrified of diversity. “There can be only one — holiday in December!” *chops off Kwanzaa’s head with a katana*
“VISION OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME … IF THE MILITANT ATHEISTS AND SECULAR LIBERALS HAVE THEIR WAY”
Yup, that was a direct quote.
It’s December 2028, and Sarah Palin pays a surprise visit to her bastard grandson Tripp at University of Alaska Anchorage where he’s naturally there on a hockey scholarship because Palins are gosh darn athletes, Bahby, a dontcha know. While Tripp and his teammates duck out for practice, Sarah is left to wander the campus on our own where, gee golly wilikers, she can’t believe her own eyes. The campus is decorated beautifully with pinecones and candles and brass and silver, but there’s no “traditional” Christmas decorations like candy canes or a tiny little baby hovering above all the other religions vanquishing them with angel beams. Instead, there’s only… diversity! OH NO!
“As we approach the Winter Solstice season, which encompasses holidays celebrated by many faiths, keep in mind the University of Alaska Anchorage is a diverse community and diversity is one of our key educational values.”
“What the fuck is this shit?” thinks Future Sarah Palin. Then she reads a list of upcoming lectures in case, somehow, readers aren’t already freaked out by all the diversity talk. Which let’s be honest, they paid $24.99 for a book about The War on Christmas written by Sarah Palin. They are.
THE CHRISTMAS MYTH: REDISCOVERING THE
PAGAN ROOTS OF A HIJACKED HOLIDAY
FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND LOVE: CELEBRATING THE HOLIDAYS
WITHOUT INVITING THE GODS OF YESTERYEAR
SHOULD YOU TRUST YOUR PARENTS AGAIN?
RECOVERING FROM THE SANTA LIE
Holy fuck on a moose horn, now Future Sarah has to get some answers. Fortunately, she runs into Karly, the “Vice Dean of Respect and Inclusion.” YUP. The shit is on. Future Sarah sets it off by straight dropping the c-bomb on her new nemesis. And by c-bomb I mean Christmas which amazingly doesn’t result in a Sentinel emerging from behind a tree to plasma blast Future Sarah straight to Baby Jesus’ upstairs house.
“While we don’t actually have any ‘Christmas’ activities per se,” she says, “um, this is a very diverse community, I’m sure you’ll be able to find something you’ll enjoy. There’s the Winter Solstice gathering at seven o’clock tonight.”
“What is that exactly?” I ask. “Like, caroling?”
“Well, last year, solstice celebrators had a bonfire, they made a representation of a man out of sticks, and they tucked little pieces of paper into the man’s hand with regrets from the last year. Then they lit it on fire and watched it burn away their shame and guilt,” she says. “Then they had sausages, eggs, and lots of good traditional drink.”
“Oh,” I say. “Well, that sounds … interesting.”
Motherfucking witchcraft! Future Sarah knew it. But surely there has to be some sort of Christian group on campus except it turns out they all voluntarily opted out of participating in UAA’s “inclusive community” because they’d have to be nice to gays and other religions, so now they meet in the cover of darkness off campus. Some say they drink unicorn bloo- wait, wrong book. Now Future Sarah’s pissed because she just wants to hear some fucking carols and doesn’t have time to go off campus to look for non-diverse pillars of Christ, so she bitches at Karly because, as every woman knows, saying something out loud will immediately change a situation to exactly the way you think it should be:
“It used to be that Christmas events happened all over the campus.”
“Yes, but times change,” she says, looking at me with concern or pity. “We don’t have slavery anymore, either.”
What did Miss Karly just say? I inaudibly gulp.
Oh, fuck, they’re teaching college students that shit can change? Future Sarah has had enough. Take her to the multi-faith center. Take her there immediately! But, on the way, let’s stop by a bunch of atheist displays that happened in real life because, here’s some Shymalan shit, the future? It’s now. BRAAAAAAAHMMMMM.
1. A “Holiday” Tree Sale. Neil Degrasse Tyson, would you be so kind?
Holiday derives from Holy Day. So it's etymologically under-informed to assert that "Happy Holidays" does not reference God.
— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) December 20, 2012
2. A “natural nativity” scene.
3. A Santa crucifixion scene.
But we’ll soon learn that’s not the worst of it because it’s Muslims. Muslims are the worst of it which is why there are exactly as many Muslim examples as there are atheist ones.
“Our Muslim students partake in wudu, the ritual ablutions before the prayer sessions. They had a hard time washing their feet in the sinks, so adding foot-washing stations was part of our university renovations. Costly in terms of budget, sure, but here we believe inclusion is, well, priceless.”
I duck my head into the “state-of-the-art” commode and sure enough, along the wall, in the corner, are several “foot baths.”
“How many students uses this ‘priceless’ spigot?”
You spent money on a minority, bitch, how could you?!
2. A banner for Eid al-Adha that just happened to coincide with Thanksgiving during Future Sarah Palin’s visit. She doesn’t list a real word example for this one because it takes place a different time each year so this would never fucking happen, but it fits her theme of other religions being a pain in the ass to good, wholesome American ones where we murder each other on Black Friday for $39 plasmas.
3. Tripp returns to find Future Sarah, and tells her he didn’t get to practice because he was banned from the hockey rink until later in the evening because it was Muslim women exercise time which they don’t feel comfortable doing in front of men. A practice that Harvard made headlines for in 2008 because they want 9/11 to happen again, only this time the terrorists will use the inconvenienced bodies of white Christian men who had to wait an extra hour to use the elliptical machine.
After learning about all this Muslim business – and yeah, okay, whatever, the atheists – Future Sarah finally loses her shit:
“What abouy just your average Joe Six-Pack boring ol’ Christian student feeling welcome and honored?”
“Oh, please,” she says. “The dominant faith in our culture doesn’t need more of an advantage than it already enjoys.”
And then the story ends because, surely, Sarah’s readers are mollified at the thought of their seat of privilege not being hoisted upon with more privilege for, in the words of Jesus, “the demanders of more privilege shall inherit the earth.” Fortunately, Sarah has a better Christmas Yet To Come for you to hope for, and all it takes is no Muslims. Not a single Muslim. You think I’m exaggerating, but this version has carolers, candy cane decorations, Christians and atheists spiritedly debating each other with smiles on their faces because Christians don’t have to be “diverse” or “tolerant,” and not one goddamn Muslim in sight. This utopic future Christmas doesn’t mention them once. There are even Jews and Buddhists commingling with Christians, who will surely convert them with its most bitching holiday, but apparently the lynchpin of Sarah Palin’s ideal Christmas is no Muslims anywhere. Yet she bristles at the end of the chapter that universities, a.k.a. “the government,” has the nerve to teach students that The Bible has been used to justify racism, slavery and the subjugation of women. Which is what happens when you don’t say “Merry Christmas.” Kids learn facts. Real, provable facts. It’s fucking chaos.
7. WHO’D MAKE UP A STORY LIKE THAT?
The last chapter of Sarah Palin’s book is probably my favorite because it’s so completely pointless and random that there’s nothing for me to even write about. I honestly couldn’t tell you what the point of it is. There’s something about her dad getting food poisoning from canned fish and banging Todd every other Thursday – WHY?! – but barely anything that reinforces the theme of the book except a few sentences at the end where God is awesome and therefore so is his kid’s birthday by default. It’s just a bunch of bullshit strung together to get this thing past 200 pages so idiots will think it’s full of meaningful information. Which, now that I think about it, is the main theme of the book. Never mind.