The Palins Beat The Shit Out of An Entire Party

“I’ll goshdarn say it again, Moose Tang Clan ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.”

In Matthew 5:5 Jesus tells us, “Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth.” Later, in that same chapter, he expands on his message in verse 39: “If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.” Which brings us to the Christ-loving Palins who love the word of Jesus so hard, especially his birthday, that they got completely fuck-hammered in their stretch Hummer before beating the shit out of an entire party because some dude dumped Willow. Or something. The important thing is that they pissed a holy piss upon the graves of their enemies before flipping everyone off in the middle of the street. Okay, maybe just that last part happened. Gawker reports via Amanda Coyne and Wonkette who actually got a confirmation from the Anchorage Police that some sort of massive brawl involving the Palins went down Saturday night:

There’s some sort of unofficial birthday/Iron Dog-type/snowmachine party in Anchorage. A nice, mellow party, until the Palin’s show up. There’s beer, of course, and maybe other things.
Which is all fine, but just about the time when some people might have had one too many, a Track Palin stumbles out of a stretch Hummer, and immediately spots an ex-boyfriend of Willow’s. Track isn’t happy with this guy, the story goes. There’s words, and more.
The owner of the house gets involved, and he probably wished he hadn’t. At this point, he’s up against nearly the whole Palin tribe: Palin women screaming. Palin men thumping their chests. Word is that Bristol has a particularly strong right hook, which she employed repeatedly, and it’s something to hear when Sarah screams, “Don’t you know who I am!”
And it was particularly wonderful when someone in the crowd screamed back, “This isn’t some damned Hillbilly reality show!” No, it’s what happens when the former First Family of Alaska comes knocking.
As people were leaving in a cab, Track was seen on the street, shirtless, flipping people off, with Sarah right behind him, and Todd somewhere in the foreground, tending to his bloody nose.

Reportedly, the man who Bristol decked was the owner of the house and 2010 Iron Dog winner Chris Olds who Todd Palin may or may not have puffed his chest at and called a “cunt.” (But don’t say retarded, a dontcha know.) Which just adds to the rich tableau of what would’ve happened had this family actually made it to the White House and then God forbid John McCain died. And, no, we wouldn’t be “over there kickin’ Mooslim ASS,” we’d be settling petty squabbles with goddamn nukes. And by petty squabbles, I literally mean petty squabbles. Every Caribou Chili Cook-Off winner whose last name isn’t Palin would need a fucking bomb shelter. “That Helen thinks her crock pot’s so darn special. I smite thee in the name of Jesus, you bet!”

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