Sarah Jessica Parker’s Feet Are The Next Step In Human Evolution

March 11th, 2013 // 32 Comments
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“I was told you have oats?”

We all like to make jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker being a horse and have a good laugh because it helps us cope with the harsh reality that she’ll eventually be shot in the head after breaking her leg. Which might be happening even sooner because apparently her feet can magically grow new bones that force her to reject cheap shoes or they’ll snap her goddamn femur. Via Daily Mail:

‘I wore beautiful shoes [on Sex and The City], and never complained. But then I did I Don’t Know How She Does It, and I was very thoughtful about my whole wardrobe and said you know, [my character, Kate Reddy] could not afford really good shoes, she would go to Nine West or Aldo. So I got shoes from there and the bottom of the shoes aren’t leather, they are plastic, so I slipped a couple times, twisted my ankle.
‘I went to a foot doctor and he said, ‘Your foot does things it shouldn’t be able to do. That bone there … You’ve created that bone. It doesn’t belong there.’
‘It’s sad, because my feet took me all over the world, but eventually they were like, ‘You know what, we are really tired, can you just stop – and don’t put cheap shoes on us?”

You know somewhere Gwyneth Patlrow’s reading this and losing her shit. “Conjuring bones to reject peasant shoes. THAT SHOULD’VE BEEN ME. Well, we’ll see about that, centaur… Thelonius! Pomegranate! Fetch mother a pewter bucket of cow’s milk. She requires calcium!”

Photo: Splash News

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  1. MoozBoy

    I’m just glad her face isn’t the next stage in human evolution. I might move to North Korea and begin worshipping the Dear Leader if that were the case.

  2. Holy, can you ever tell she’s a smoker by the “boiled shit” complexion. Ugh. It’s not helping the overall look in the least.

  3. inkydink

    My Little Pony is a snob. There’s nothing wrong with Nine West or Aldo shoes. Just because this bitch can’t walk in them. She is so ugly.

  4. Mark B

    I’m a little confused, was the bottom of the shoe plastic, the nails that hold them on, or both?

  5. So let me get this straight…the reason I can’t walk well in heels is because I don’t wear Manolos, and haven’t grown a bone?

  6. Sarah Jessica Parker Feet High Heels Blue Fur Coat
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    I do love her blue Cookie Monster coat.

  7. Her problem is she hasn’t been hanging her shoes on the wall right side up, so all the luck has been running out of them.

  8. Rob

    Her feet or her face? I always mix the two up

  9. cc

    ‘That bone there … You’ve created that bone. It doesn’t belong there.’

    He was actually looking at the bridge of her nose.

  10. Inner Retard

    So, does her foot get a carrot if it does well?

  11. You don’t get to wear those two colors together unless you’re Spiderman. Unless something else has formed your aesthetic sense …

    http://radoninc.com/images/classic-show-horse-sheet.png

  12. Well, there you go…her mistake? Not seeing a blacksmith to begin with. He would have set that little filly up with 4 new shoes and maybe even thrown in a few sugar cubes.

  13. Sarah Jessica Parker Feet High Heels Blue Fur Coat
    Toe Jam
    Commented on this photo:

    Blue fur to match her blue waffle. She’s such a trend setter.

  14. Fubar

    Usually the horse power is under the hood not in the backseat.

  15. Colin

    Didn’t we already know she was growing new bones? I mean, where do we think her muzzle came from?

  16. Accessory ossicles are actually quite common, at least in humans, and they are usually congenital, not something you “make” later in life. Not sure about horses.

    She’s probably complaining about os trigonum syndrome, which is a crunching a little bone that some people were born with when you walk on your tippy toes like a ballerina. Or like an old slut with heels.

  17. Oh great! So now I suppose Matthew Broderick will have to find a farrier who does custom work…???

  18. Sarah Jessica Parker Feet High Heels Blue Fur Coat
    Tiris
    Commented on this photo:

    Checkmate Creationists.

  19. SJP’s face is enough proof of evolution. No merciful God would have created that mess.

  20. maria

    it’s called middle age and bunions, SJP. squishing your feet into high heels for years will for some, if not most women, lead to lovely bunions..it doesn’t matter WHO made the shoes…..so lovely getting older.

    • Mama Pinkus

      we gals know it, Maria; we simply don’t have doctors who feed our egos by blaming our age-related woes on poor fashion choices

      • maria

        I’m about her age and have rarely if ever worn heels and have one forming… (thanks Grandma & genes…)…. funny how we all know about aging but when things suddenly happen, it’s surprising and a bit disconcerting. all my shoes now don’t fit so well. I once saw a show where a younger girl was bragging about these VERY pricey shoes she purchase, I’m talking thousands, and she was bragging she could wear them forever blah blah… I chuckled inside, she obviously didn’t realize that feet change as you age, no matter who you are.

  21. yeah sarah nice try.
    that “bone” in ur foot that you “created”-
    its called a horseshoe.

  22. JustWalkingMyUnicorn

    What a rucking big I’ve shopped at Nine West. Doe these assholes know how they sound to the real world? And I rea pd this bitch was poor as dirt when she was a kid I guess she forgot she used to buy Payless shoes.

  23. Sarah Jessica Parker Feet High Heels Blue Fur Coat
    Commented on this photo:

    “Nothing but the finest in Cookie Monster fur for me, thank you.”

  24. Sarah Jessica Parker Feet High Heels Blue Fur Coat
    Evilgeniusnz
    Commented on this photo:

    Apparently she’s being trying to shove her hooves into shoes… No wonder they got sore.

  25. bill

    Wow, the sacrifices she made for a film that no one saw or gave a shit about. Like everything she has ever done outside of gay dudes with Sex and the City.

  26. Sarah Jessica Parker Feet High Heels Blue Fur Coat
    Jentilly
    Commented on this photo:

    Where’s PETA when you need them? Muppet fur is murder

  27. Sarah Jessica Parker Feet High Heels Blue Fur Coat
    Princess
    Commented on this photo:

    Let’s hope to god she took a car service, cuz’ you know if hubby Matthew Broderick drove at least three children were run over before they got to the ballet.

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