Ryan Seacrest’s stalker was Special Forces. Sweet!

November 2nd, 2009 // 33 Comments

Ryan Seacrest’s knife-wielding stalker who was arrested at E! Studios Friday is apparently a highly trained killing machine for the Army which issued a public apology to the radio host today. TMZ reports:

TMZ just spoke with Lt. Col. Nathan Banks, an Army spokesperson, who told us: “We apologize to Ryan Seacrest. Pending the outcome of the local investigation, the Army will decide what further action to take. We take all matters of our personnel seriously.”
As TMZ first reported, Chidi Uzomah is currently a member of the U.S. Army reserves — and is assigned to a special forces unit. Translation — he’s a very dangerous man.

Obviously this proves the Pentagon is engaged in a vendetta against Ryan Seacrest for producing Keeping Up with the Kardashians and, of course, they found a way to fuck it all up. So listen up, Washington, I don’t pay taxes for pansy stealth operations, I pay taxes for people to use tanks. Now let’s finish this thing and get our boys home. USA! USA! USA!

Photos: Getty
superficial

  1. hacksaw

    Giddyup

  2. meat fists

    Didn’t know that’s what the “special” in “special forces” meant.

  3. meat fists

    Didn’t know that’s what the “special” in “special forces” meant.

  4. Xenu

    There is something horribly horribly wrong in the universe when Ryan Seacrest’s face is on the same screen with Adrianne Curry’s ass. fucking ying and yang or the Apocalypse or some terrible next level shit about to happen…..

  5. Walter Cronkite

    Just because he’s assigned to a Special Forces unit doesn’t make him “Special Forces”. He could be, and likely is, involved with them in some sort of support role such as a driver.

  6. Molly

    Ryan Seacrest looks like a fucking cartoon character.

  7. Cristobal

    He is handsome.

  8. Very butch stalker. Surprising. If only he’d succeeded. ..

  9. Kadi

    Doubtful he is actually SF; more likely he is a paper-pusher. He’s a weekend warrior at that. Not that cool.

  10. small penis behind a screen

    [Deleted for using racial slurs towards African-American combat soldiers. Adorable. - The Superficial]

  11. Nameless

    Maybe Chidi Uzomah got Ryan Seacrest confused with Jon Gosselin whom he really wanted to kill. After all Ryan looks like he’s slowing morphing into Jon.

    A little bit more plastic surgery around the eyes and the transformation will be complete.

  12. America! F*** yeah! Here to save the mother f***ing day, yeah!

  13. He has some Special Sauce for Seacrest.

  14. He’s assigned to an SF unit…that does NOT make him Special Forces. He could be a cook and still be assigned to a special force unit.

  15. Stalker was part of delta force? Does this mean there’s gays in special forces? Now that’s really scary.

  16. dvd

    What is up with Special Forces personnel? One is out stalking prettyboys and another is stockpiling machine guns and plastic explosives for his own use. This bodes ill for any plans of a “surge”–I think we’re straining our recruiting opportunities already.

  17. ******KrazyHotKelli**********

    Rezponze to number 11. That iz why he haz a zmall peniz. Zeriouzly though, thiz zoldier waz defending my honor. Ryan doez not like beautiful girlz, becauze he cannot have me, even though he challengez the Jonaz Brotherz to duelz all the time….

  18. darkwing

    Stalking? Weapons? Why? All you need to catch the common douchebag is a pit filled with stakes and somebody chanting ‘free ed hardy shirts…’ on the other side. It’ll be filled with Jon Gosselin, Ryan Seacrest, Doug Reinhardt and Spencer within minutes. Hell, it’ll probably be overflowing.

  19. I must say this is a great article i enjoyed reading it keep the good work.

  20. mupp

    Waltercronkites right, this guy was most likely assigned in a non shooter role in an SF unit, comms guy or POGUE ect….he was no “Rambo”

  21. say good night to the Rough guy!

    How come nutcases only pick docile peeps to stalk. Impress me, go stalk Garry Busey for a change…

  22. ThisIsHELLARIOUS!

    Funniest shit I’ve read on Superfish in a long while.

    USA! USA! USA! ha!

  23. EricLR

    After this incident, how can anyone say that gays in the military don’t serve their country well?

  24. DoesNotCompute

    “Chidi Uzomah is currently a member of the U.S. Army reserves — and is assigned to a special forces unit.”

    So is he actually SF? Lots of soldiers “assigned to a Special Forces unit” are not SF themselves. Supply personel, pencil pushers, etc. It also states that he is a member of the U.S. Army Reserve. There are no SF groups in the Army Reserve. (Though there are 2 in the National Guard)

  25. MillaTime

    yeah he is prob admin for an sf unit so he hold the paper clips and Kad- just cuz they are weekend warriors doen’s mean they are any less”cool” cuz when they go to war there are no such things as weekends.. and if the guy was a true SpecOps soldier then little ryan wouldn’t have even known he was there

  26. Google is your friend

    Not special forces. Not really special at all…

    http://www.armytimes.com/news/2009/11/army_seacrest_TMZ_110209w/

  27. james

    Ryan has to stop running…. I have had you in bed and miss you dude

  28. He is handsome. I think every people like peace. And it is very important for people.

  29. Yes he Administrator SF for a unit problem, it’s paper clips and Kad-doen weekend warriors just cuz they are holding that they any less “cool” cuz there are weekends when they go to war .. As there are such things and even if the man was a true military SpecOps Ryan did not know it would be so little out there

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