Ryan Seacrest’s knife-wielding stalker who was arrested at E! Studios Friday is apparently a highly trained killing machine for the Army which issued a public apology to the radio host today. TMZ reports:
TMZ just spoke with Lt. Col. Nathan Banks, an Army spokesperson, who told us: “We apologize to Ryan Seacrest. Pending the outcome of the local investigation, the Army will decide what further action to take. We take all matters of our personnel seriously.”
As TMZ first reported, Chidi Uzomah is currently a member of the U.S. Army reserves — and is assigned to a special forces unit. Translation — he’s a very dangerous man.
Obviously this proves the Pentagon is engaged in a vendetta against Ryan Seacrest for producing Keeping Up with the Kardashians and, of course, they found a way to fuck it all up. So listen up, Washington, I don’t pay taxes for pansy stealth operations, I pay taxes for people to use tanks. Now let’s finish this thing and get our boys home. USA! USA! USA!